A modern shaggy dog is one that tells an entertaining tale in its own right, and which ends in a ripping pun as the punchline. When done properly, there are clues given through the story that make trying to guess the punchline part of the pleasure and challenge. A special version of the shaggy dog story originated in a long-running series in the Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. This was "Through Time and Space with Ferdinand Feghoot". Typically, these would tell a science-fiction story that ended in a PUNchline. Such stories and their imitations became known as feghoots.
A marine biologist raised porpoises and found that when fed seagull they lived forever. Running out of seagulls, he went to England to collect some. To import them he had to put them in the ship's animal storage in crates attached to the tops of the lion cages. The lions were bound for a zoo owned by the state. The biologist was soon arrested for transporting gulls over state lions for immortal porpoises.
There was a firm called "Tate's" specializing in surveying instruments, including compasses. When they designed their compass, they didn't see why they should slavishly follow the Northern Hemisphere, so they made the little arrow on the southern end of the needle to point to the nearest pole. Unfortunately, they forgot to mention this in their handbook. Hence, the saying, "He who has a Tate's is lost."
A king ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
Sick of Hamburgers? Dress them up with this great new spread from Getty's, available at all Lincoln Supermarkets. Make hamburgers a real treat with Lincoln's Getty's Burger Dress.
When Noah commanded the animals to multiply, two snakes refused on the grounds that they were adders. Exercising his ingenuity, Noah placed them on a table that he had constructed from a small tree. "Even adders can multiply," he said, "on a log table."
I dislike the modern music they play on television.... saxophones with string accompaniment. I firmly believe there is already too much sax and violins on TV.
When they named a subspecies of Rook after ornithologist Milton J. Goode, he expressed fear that they would become extinct, because they themselves couldn't distinguish male from female. That's why worried zookeepers greet each other with, "Bred any Goode Rooks lately?"
The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands.
An elderly lady, renowned for her green thumb, planted some special fronds and anemones. The fronds flourished, but the anemones all died. The woman was crushed, but was comforted by a friend with these words, "With fronds like that, who needs anemones?"
An old Hawaiian proverb has been passed from generations of islanders to the next: "One man's meat is another man's poi, son."
A lady paused at the window of a pet shop displaying a large "Going out of Business" sign. She entered and asked the clerk if they had any small birds left. "You're in luck, Ma'am," he said. "All that twitters is not sold."
Our friend Percy Phancyphingers, plays the piano at local bars and is also known for his appreciation of feminine backsides. On his return from the United Kingdom when asked to play his favorite piece, we should have known he'd choose "Londonderry Air".
In England, I had filet of sole with Tartar Sauce. In France I had chicken in wine sauce, and in Italy I had asparagus with cheese. But I always come back home for Eggs Benedict. After all, there's no place like home for the hollandaise!
Rolls Royce announced a new limousine custom-built for Her Majesty with seats that reclined for comfort on long trips. The press release read, "New Brougham Sleeps Queen."
Colonel Sanders went to Sweden because he was interested in their pullet surprise.
An old Indian Chief who was feeling ill went to the Witch Doctor, who gave him a strip of leather and told him to chew on it: soon the illness would go away. A few months later the Chief met the Witch Doctor in the forest and the doctor asked how he felt. The Chief replied: "Well, Doc, the thong is gone, but the malady lingers on."
A diminuitive Czechoslovakian resistance leader fled from house to house, seeking sanctuary, but they turned him away when he asked, "Please, can you cache a small Czech?"
The claims of the Passamaquoddy and Penobscot Indians for Maine land and damages finally were settled, with tens of millions of dollars in cash and land going to the tribe. So endowed, every indian boy could afford to buy a sailboat and join the yacht club. And every proud indian father could sit back in the evening in his chair on the porch of his newly acquired lake house and say proudly, "At last I see Red sons in the sail set."
Father Justin Thyme was not only beloved by his flock, but was the best clock repairman in the diocese. So when the Bishop's fine old grandfather clock began to gain a few minutes per hour, it was only natural that he should send for Father Thyme. The trouble was soon found to be that the weights were too heavy and needed to be replaced. But Father Thyme steadfastly refused to remove them. Why? Well, you see, Thyme untied weights for no man.
Madame Ferenc, a famous pianist, was about to make her American debut. The world renowned piano tuner Oppernockety was engaged to tune her piano. After he finished, she tried it out and declared it sounded splendid. Unfortunately, her manager believed that it was out of tune and hired the great Moluar to tune it again. When Madame Ferenc discovered this perfidy, she was enraged, and demanded that the piano once again be tuned by Oppernockety. But, alas, Oppernockety only tunes once.
Jack, the butcher's son, was sent to town to sell a fine liver sausage. On the way, he met a young bird-catching woman, who was selling the Terns she had entrapped that morning. She was so charming, and Jack was so entranced, that they swapped, and Jack took a Tern for the Wurst.
In New Orleans, mon ami, la delicacie incroyable is when ze Alligator Gar is in saison. Several sizes are sold in ze markaitplace to zese great chefs: Ze smallaist, Grade A, is ze gourmet item, broiled in ze flaky crouette. Next, ze larger Grade B, is diced into ze small cubes pour le gumbo et jambalaya. But ze largest is very tough meat, defying most chefs. In fact, you can only smoke a C Gar.
A farmer kept a horse in a field. Birds repeatedly built nests in the horse's mane. Their chirping drove the poor horse insane. So the farmer took the horse to the Veterinarian, who suggested putting yeast in the mane to keep the birds out. And it worked. After all, Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
The English Zoo at Mersey is famous for its collection of Koala bears. As you know, Koalas eat only eucalyptus leaves. But one day the painters working on the cages spilled paint on the leaves, and the Koalas refused to eat them. The painter finally found a solvent which removed the paint without killing the leaves, and reported proudly, "The Koala Tree of Mersey is not stained."
A gentleman gambler imported 25 Basques to teach Jai Alai at his training camp in Australia. One day, while they were all eating at the dining barracks, a fire broke out but there was panic, and many died trying to get out through the only door from the barracks. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.
Hiroshi visited many clinics in his homeland of Japan, because of a strange ailment, in which his flatulence came out with the sound, "honda, honda, honda". The car manufacturer of the same name was greatly embarrassed by this negative advertising, and offered to pay anyone a million yen if they could cure the afflicted fellow. Many physicians tried, and failed. Then arrived an elderly dentist, who examined Hiroshi from the opposite end of the alimentaly canal, spotted an abcessed tooth, extracted it, and effected a cure. In collecting his reward, he remarked, "Ah so, abcess make the fart go honda."
Three native American mothers sat around the campfire. One, seated on deer skin, boasted that her son weighed 140 pounds. A second, seated on her mountain lion skin, claimed that her son weighed 160 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus skin, said, "I don't have any sons, but I myself weigh 300 pounds." Which proves that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
Remember the bank scandals involving Burt Lance? Well, as happens to all of us, Burt one day found himself in front of the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter gave him his gossamer robe, silver wings, golden slipper and name tag. Strolling down the streets of heaven, he encountered Macbeth, fresh from a very long stretch in purgatory. But Macbeth blanched, shrieked, and fled trembling from Mr. Lance, who was mystified until someone pointed out that his name tag read, "Bank Woe's Ghost"
Sammy Stein was walking down a narrow alley late one night when a rapidly moving vehicle entered the alley. As the vehicle approached Sammy, it proceeded faster and faster. Sammy realized he could not outrun it, but found at the last moment a niche in the wall, backed into it, and was saved. "Thank heavens," he said, "A niche in time saved Stein."
The Planet Hootfeg, in the Bootes Section, is a beautiful world completely covered by water except for two large islands, on transverse sides of the planet, so that one is in darkness when the other has light. The first explorers of this planet named the two islands Night and Day. On mountainous Night island, the fierce, warlike tribe of Restels runs free. On Day island, live a peaceful, agrarian people called the Neverson. To avoid landing on the wrong island, tourists are warned that you will find the Neverson on Day, while Restels are native to Night.
Sam was wealthy, and could afford a Rolls Royce; but he preferred his wonderful little Datsun. When it broke one day, he was enraged to find that no one could replace the tiny cog in the transmission which had caused the problem. Sam could afford it, so he flew to Tokyo, and asked the manufacturer. But cogs were sold only in large lots, and he had to buy a thousand just to get the one he needed. On the way home, his private Learjet developed engine problems, and was in danger of crashing. Needing only one cog, he dumped the other 999 to reduce the plummeting plane's weight. Down below, a little boy looked at the sky and ran home shouting, "Come quick, it's raining Datsun cogs."
Then there was the young couple who lived at the shore. They fed some marijuana to a nest of terns that lived in their garden, and the terns with considerable grackling began to dance. It was a veritable ballet. Suddenly a brace of terns who had not had marijuana entered the garden and grunkled so loudly to the dancing terns that they all stopped. The disappointed couple declared, "Next time, we must LEAVE NO TERN UNSTONED"
Maritza was delighted to hear that auditions were going to be held for bellydancing with the employee' orchestra of the Acme Salami, Pastrami and Bologna Co. She showed up at the company auditorium with her gossamer outfit, bare midriff, bejeweled navel, and with finger cymbals chinging at every provocative step. To her astonishment she found she was the only one in the room so attired. The others were wearing ordinary street clothes and carrying scores of Handel's Messiah. The members of the orchestra put down their instruments to admire this display of pulchritude, but the irate conductor strode over to her and demanded, "Young woman, is that any way to dress for our Deli Band sing audition?"
A group of egotistical chess players gathered in the lobby of a fashionable hotel. Each was trying to tell the others, at the same time, how great he was. The manager finally threw them all out, explaining he was sick and tired of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
The bandido Joaquin Murrieta, who carried with him a pet flea, had jilted a lady friend named Tess. On one warm day, Tess stole into Joaquin's cabin, and awaited Joaquin with a loaded derringer, bent on revenge. Murrieta arrived after dark. A poem still recited by school children tells what happened next: "Murrieta lit a lamp. His flea says, "Why, Tess, No!"
Eskimos hunt their prey in thin-skinned boats called kayaks. Since the water is very cold, they freeze their nether regions frequently. However, they resist any forms of relief because, as they say, "You can't have your kayak and heat it too."