Hamster Power
Ways to get electric power from hamsters
- Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
- Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
- Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
- Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
- Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
- Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
- Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
- Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
- Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
- Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
- Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
- Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
- Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
- Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
- Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
- Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
- Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
- Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
- Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant.
- Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
- (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....
- Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
- a. Find a good genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)
- Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
- Crossbreed hamster with a Mothra (a giant rodant in India) and use resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power source.
- Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.
- Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
- Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamster fusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity.
- Throw in more hamsters to fusion idea above until the hamster star goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...
- Repeat with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
- Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
- Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
- Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy.
- Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy. -Eric
- It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation.
- Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricity.