Steve Wright-isms

---

• A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
• A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
• A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
• A metaphor is like a simile.
• A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks.
• After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
• All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
• All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
• Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
• Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.
• Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
• Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors.
• Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
• Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
• Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
• Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
• Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
• For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
• Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
• He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
• He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
• Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
• How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
• How young can you die of old age?
• I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
• I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
• I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
• I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
• I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
• I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
• I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
• I can't stop thinking like this.
• I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
• I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.
• I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
• I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
• I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
• I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
• I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
• I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
• I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
• I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
• I had amnesia once or twice.
• I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
• I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.
• I had my coathangers spayed.
• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
• I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
• I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
• I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
• I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
• I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
• I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
• I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
• I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
• I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
• I invented the cordless extension cord.
• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
• I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
• I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
• I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...
• I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
• I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
• I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside.
• I lost a button hole today.
• I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
• I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
• I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
• I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
• I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
• I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
• I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
• I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
• I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
• I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
• I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
• I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
• I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
• I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
• I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
• I was in Macy's store in New York, putting slinkies on the escalators.
• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
• I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
• I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
• I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
• I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
• I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
• I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
• I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
• I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
• I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
• I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
• I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
• I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
• I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
• I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
• I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
• I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
• I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
• I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
• I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
• I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
• I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
• If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
• If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
• If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
• In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
• In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
• Is "tired old cliche" one?
• Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
• It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
• It's a fine night to have an evening.
• It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
• Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.
• My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
• My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
• My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
• My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
• My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
• My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
• My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
• My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
• My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
• My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
• My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
• My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
• My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
• One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
• One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
• One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
• One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
• Referring to a glass of water: - I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
• Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
• She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.
• Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
• So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
• So, do you live around here often?
• Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
• The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
• The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
• The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.
• The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica...
• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
• The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
• The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
• The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
• The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
• There aren't enough days in the weekend.
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
• There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
• They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
• This isn't all true.
• Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
• Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
• Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
• Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
• What are imitation rhinestones?
• What do batteries run on?
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
• When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
• When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
• When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
• When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
• When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
• When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
• When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
• When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
• Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...
• Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
• Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...
• Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
• Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
• Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
• You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
• You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.