Pearls of Wisdom
- Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
- In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're not.
- The sum intelligence in the world is a constant. The population is growing.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- Usenet is the delusion that all subjects can be classified in a neat hierarchy.
- Common sense and conscience are like a muscle. If you don't use a muscle it gets weaker and weaker.
- If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand, we would still be so stupid that we couldn't understand it.
- "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
- There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
- The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
- Romance is like a game of chess - one false move and you're mated.
- If you have tried your hand at something and failed, the next best thing is to try your head.
- As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point your way.
- A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.
- A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.
- They tell us courtesy is contagious. So why not start an epidemic.
- Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement!
- It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.
- Children disgrace us in public by behaving just like we do at home.
- Often the same thing that makes one person bitter makes another better.
- Love looks through a telescope; envy looks through a microscope.
- If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
- A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- A modern murderer is supposed to be innocent until he/she is proven insane.
- Science has found that insanity is hereditary...parents get it from their children.
- Lecturing has been described as the passing of information from the lecturer's notes to the students' notes without passing through the brain of either.
- Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
- Mathematicians are a species of Frenchman: if you say something to them, they translate it into their own language and presto! it is something completely different.
- Scientists animated by the purpose of proving that they are purposeless are an interesting object of study.
- The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them.
- Don't be a carbon copy of something. Make your own impressions.
- To really know a man, observe his behaviour with a woman, a flat tyre, and a child.
- No matter what you do, someone always knew you would.
- Have you noticed that an optimist is always able to see the bright side of other people's troubles?
- Just why do men lie about each other when the plain truth would be bad enough?
- Ideas are like children: no matter how much you like other people's, you can't help thinking your own are the best.
- Intimacy has been defined as 'what you can scratch, in front of whom, and whose it is'.
- Human history is a drama in which the stories stay the same, the scripts of those stories change slowly with evolving cultures, and the stage settings change all the time.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Programming is like sex; one mistake and you support it for a lifetime
- It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
- A jury is a group of twelve men and women of average ignorance.
- A psychologist says kissing is where two people get so close together they can't see anything wrong with each other.
- Foreign dictators are difficult to understand. You can never tell whether they are smart men bluffing, or imbeciles who meant it.
- Summer has set in with its usual severity.
- Judge each day, not by the harvest, but by the seeds you plant.
- The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
- If you have an unpleasant neighbour, the odds are that he does too.
- Hospitality meets its greatest test when a new idea drops by uninvited.
- Many a man's expenditure of speech exceeds his income of ideas.
- Envy provides the mud that failure throws at success.
- It's a well known fact that the older a man gets, the faster he could run as a boy.
- A man who goes out to meet trouble will have a short walk.
- Nothing depreciates a car faster than a neighbour buying a new one.
- The road to failure is greased with the slime of indifference.
- If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep increasing the price of postage?
- Modesty is the art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
- A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
- For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
- 'Anger' is just one letter short of danger.
- An angry man is seldom reasonable; a reasonable man is seldom angry.
- Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
- Psychiatrists say that one of four people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
- The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
- A neurotic builds castles in the air.
- A psychotic lives in castles in the air.
- And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.
- It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained in Heaven and Earth to keep her that way.
- Pessimists are the world's happiest people. Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.
- Is it bad luck for a black cat to walk behind you? That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.
- A nurse is a girl who holds your hand and expects your temperature to go down.
- I think every girl should hold on to her youth, except when he's driving.
- If the doctor cures, the sun sees it; but if he kills, the earth hides it.
- Charity begins at home and generally dies from lack of out-of-door exercise; sympathy travels abroad extensively.
- A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.
- Enthusiasm breakfasts on obstacles, lunches on objections, and dines on competition.
- Life not only begins at forty - it begins to show.
- The best way to get rid of a hothead is to give him the cold shoulder.
- The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
- Many a man creates his own lack of opportunity.
- If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?
- Compromise is always wrong when it means sacrificing a principle.
- A successful politician is one who can stay in the public eye without irritating it.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
- A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
- Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
- I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
- Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
- Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
- Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
- Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Do witches run spell checkers?
- Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
- Dain bramaged.
- Department of Redundancy Department
- Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
- Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
- I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Double your drive space - delete Windows!
- What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
- All generalizations are false, including this one.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
- The further an experiment is from theory, the closer it is to the Nobel prize.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission
- Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
- Liberty is fragile. If it is lost for one it is lost for all.
- It's amazing how many people use "you only live once" as an excuse to throw their life away.
- For sale: Klein bottle. Enquire within.
- God created man and learned from her mistake.
- What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
- What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
- What's brown and sticky? A stick.
- What's shorter than a weekend? A vacation!
- What's the speed of dark?
- When all else fails, call Bill Gates at home.
- When all else fails, read the manual.
- When all is said and done, more is said than done.
- When an old person dies, a library burns down.
- When I want your advice, I'll give it to you!
- When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
- When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
- When in doubt, tell the truth.
- When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
- When liberals grow up they want to be conservatives.
- When money speaks, truth keeps silent.
- When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
- When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
- When vultures fly they're allowed carrion luggage.
- When you see a snake, never mind where it came from.
- When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
- When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
- When you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
- When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
- When your IQ hits 28, sell!
- Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes.
- Where can I find a synonym for thesaurus?
- Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
- Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
- Where is everything? All I typed was format c:.
- Where law ends, tyranny begins.
- Where there's a will there's a beneficiary.
- Where there's a will there's an attorney.
- Where there's a will there's a wail.
- Where there's a will there's a won't.
- Where there's smoke, there's toast.
- Where you've been means much less than where you're going.
- Wherever you came from, you're not there now.
- Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
- Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? (I don't know, and I don't care!)
- Which one is the fatherboard?
- Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
- Who should I call to exorcise software?
- Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
- Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
- Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
- Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Let not the pot call the kettle an aardvark.
- I don't mean to be catty, but "miaow".
- What does occasional furniture do the rest of the time?
- Do the people in Tipperary realise they're a long way away?
- Why do clairvoyants have front door bells?
- Imitation is the sincerest form of blandish meat.
- The dog ate my car keys. I'll have to hitch-hike to the vet.
- My stigmata is playing up on me.
- I've used up all my sick days - so I'm calling in dead.
- Dolphins find people amusing, but they don't want to talk to them
- Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.
- A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
- When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
- The cost of living had not affected its popularity.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
- Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. - Mae West
- Deja moo: the strange feeling that you've milked this cow before.
- Idling is most fun when there is plenty of work to do.
- Politics consists of two sides and a fence.
- If money is the root of all evil, why has no student been canonised?
- eschew obfuscation
- Another Month Ends - All Targets Met - All Systems Working - All Customers Satisfied - All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic - All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly