The Twelve Days of Christmas
December 14
Dear John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion, Agnes
December 15
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought you very sweet gift. Just imagine .... two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity ...... three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love, Agnes
December 17
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18
Dearest John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19
Dear John,
I opened my door today and there were actually six geese alaying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through this racket! Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20
Dear John,
What's with you and these **** birds? Seven swans a-swimming! What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with those **** birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21
OK, buster ..... I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and the maids, but they brought their damn cows. Lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
December 22
Hey, ****-head! What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing! And Christ do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over the birds, and the neighbours have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours, Agnes
December 23
You rotten *****. Now there's ten ladies dancing! I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you!
One who means it.
December 24
Listen, ****-head, what's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will neer walk again! The pipers ran through all the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three birds are dead. They got trampled in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have inflicted upon our client Agnes Mendolstein. The destruction was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Mendolstein at the Happy Dale Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. Please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Law Offices - Budger, Bender and Cahole.