Creatures Of The World ... And Elsewhere…
Fascinating creatures are everywhere. So why not get to know as much about them as possible. Many species are friendly, but the rest are not. Knowing the difference can Save your life.

The Barnacle...

This fun loving, calcium encased creature of the deep, makes a great pet! That is to say, they make a better pet than meal. Most of the recipes I've found for baracles all seem to start with removing the shell. This can be a time consuming process, and there is very little meat on a barnacle. It is also difficult to not to snack on the little darlings while shucking them. But, at least it's easier than shucking a pound of coral meat.

The Spitting Box Turtle...

Unlike, his sedate, non-toxic brethren The Spitting Box Turtle is perhaps, One of natures most sublime killers. Stalking its prey with the stealth and grace of a Peregrine Falcon. The 'Spitter' can strike at a moments notice. It's effective spitting range is an impressive 30'. When the Spitter spots a potential victim he'll rear back on his Formidable, yet petite, haunches (The Spitting Box Turtle measures only 4 inches in diameter) and let loose with a powerful shrieking fury venomous, orally aspirated, spray that Would put to shame any of the most wicked of hell-spawned demons ever imagined my mortal men (with the possible exception of Phyllis Diller). This species of turtle is indigenous to the Mountains of Iowa and is migratory.
"... And with disdainful wave of his majestic hand, the lord set upon the Earth, a beast of unimaginable terror. May heaven help the creature who falls out of favor with the Spitting Box Turtle. - Audubon 4:27

The Crane...

Named after the popular piece of construction equipment, The Crane has little in common with its iron and steel counterpart. In fact, besides the use of titanium alloy in their beak's there in no metal at all in a crane. This subtle nuance is what makes the crane so hard to pick-up on radar. Their sleek bodies and lack of metal skeletal structure make the crane as lovely as they are deadly. Sometimes Cranes are confused for Terns. However, the Tern is composed nearly entirely of Iron and is no match for a Crane in battle. In fact, if in doubt during an attack, see if a magnet will stick to them. Another useful tip is to keep a compass handy, as while a flock of Terns are swarming a compass needle will spin wildly, BUT, during a Crane attack, the needle will hold steady on North. So let the needle pointing North remind you of your impending doom, otherwise relax and watch the beautiful Tern Swarm.

The Killer Marmoset...

This rare breed of marmoset is indigenous to New Hampshire, The average specimen weighs in at nearly 3 oz. with almost 2/3 of that being Tooth and Claws leaving a scant 1 oz for other organs such as Brain, Bones, Skin, Blood, Pancreas and muscle tissue. Though the Killer Marmoset has razor sharp teeth, it lacks the strength to open its mouth wide enough to bite. This is a lucky thing for the Grizzly Bear since the favorite prey of the Killer Marmoset is the Grizzly. In a typical hunting formation of Killer Marmosets consisting of 4 to 5 hundred thousand Bull Males and 15 juveniles a Grizzly is stalked, Linking elbows a strand of marmosets form a trip wire. The unsuspecting bear stumbles over the line and topples helplessly into the waiting jaws of the clan. With any luck the Grizzly is not angered by the action and allows the clan of marmosets to feast on its fur for several days. By this time the Grizzly tires of the ordeal and moves on, while the Killer Marmoset's that survived, congratulate each other in a 'High-Five' ritual that has been adopted by many sports fans in North America.

Killer Marmoset Serving instructions:
  1. Remove Teeth, Claws and Bones.
  2. Now that the animal is disarmed, you may interrogate the creature (otherwise continue cooking preparation).
  3. Batter-Dip and Deep Fry
  4. When a golden brown hue is achieved, remove from oil.
  5. Serve over a bed of white rice.
Strangely enough the favorite food of the Grizzly Bear is 'Deep Fried Killer Marmoset'! So invite a bear over for dinner and enjoy the feast.

The Woolly Mammoth...

Rarely in the animal kingdom is an animal named without actually having a real name. Typically, you'll encounter descriptive words followed the animal type as in: Silver Back Mountain Gorilla. The name of the thing is Gorilla, while Silver, Back and Mountain, describe, what it is made out of, where it stores its young, and the time zone where they live (respectively). In the case of the Woolly Mammoth there is no actual name... essentially, the creature could just as well be called a "Furry Big".
Though the name implies the presence of Wool the Mammoth is actually covered with a variety of grass that thrives in Icy conditions. During the Ice Age man would harvest this grass in a shearing process much like that used on modern day sheep. The tasty grass was collected and brewed into a fine tea, and shared among the clan. The Bald mammoth would be returned to the wild where the grass quickly grew back. Later it was discovered that the enormous tusks could be used to fashion musical instruments like the flute and banjo). At this point the Mammoth was hunted to near extinction. And today only a few specimens remain usually disguised as Museum exhibits. (if you watch long enough...they'll move)

The Mummy...

Though commonly mistaken for a "dead" person, Mummies are primarily arboreal. Indigenous to the more heavily forested part of the Giza Plateau. Mummy-young don't leave the nest until adolescence (typically 4-6 Months in age). At this time in the Mummies life, career opportunities are scarce, as humans in management positions have a primal fear of that which looks like a dried and long dead person. This unfortunate stereotype, only serves to foster the adolescents interest in crime and prostitution. Many Mummies adopt this life style while others join the ranks of professional wrestling, following the wrestling great known simply as La Mumia. La Mumia struck terror into the hearts of many an opponent. Famous for his unceasing stalk & copy, La Mumia could crush an opponent with a single blow. Needless to say this kind of charismatic role model, though not the best for a growing Mummy, it is preferable to life in the seedy underbelly the rest of the Mummy population is forced to endure.

The Rhinoceros...

The two main varieties of rhinoceros are the White and Black Rhino. Strangely enough, These species are NOT named for their color! A White rhino is actually, a Greyish-Tan and the Black rhino is Blue. Both of these majestic beasts are named for their discoverers; Col. Jessep Black and Sir Philip Write. You are probably asking yourself..."...Why isn't Mr. Writes rhino called a Write rhino?"... Well...It's like this: You see, Mr. Write was suffering from a severe case of Malaria at the time he discovered his rhino...And as a result, his penmanship was suffering horribly...when his New Animal Registration Form was received at the Beaurau Of New Animal Registry (BONAR), The Clerk mistook the "R" in Write for an "H" and entered that into the computer...6 to 8 weeks later when Mr. Write received his Confrimation Of New Animal Naming (CONAN) he was unable to read it, as he had died 2 weeks earlier (having succumbed to Malaria). So now we enjoy the 'Black' and 'White' Rhinos...And now only you and I (and a Clerk at BONAR) know the truth of this mis-named creature.

The Cat...

Very little is known about Cats. Except that have lots of fur and no brain. Here are some handy uses for cats!
  1. Arrange them in harmonic order and play songs by stepping on their tails. (This works best if they are still alive)
  2. Restring your fiddle.
  3. Take the 2 Marbles (cleverly named after their optical receptors)
  4. Some cultures consider Cat Feet to be good luck... Find one of these cultures and sell them the feet.
  5. Rub their fur and watch sparks jump from their nose to metal objects.
  6. Count the number of lives...(See if any actually have 9) You'll probably find the average is 1.
  7. Place them behind the tire of your car to keep it from rolling down hill.
  8. Oven Mitts.

The Space Man...

Though Space Men are not legally considered to be animals, They are more like animals than like non-animals. Though Space Men posses stunning knowledge (as evidenced by their ability to travel to Earth). They behave much like Oceanic Salmon. Like Salmon, Space Men are attracted to shinny objects, such as dangley ear rings and keys. And, Like Salmon they are a main source of food for Bears in North America. Space Man meat is Pink, just like salmon. In fact, the most noticeable difference between Salmon and Space Men is that (as you may have guessed) Space Men can't swim! The tall dorsal fin on Space Men is ornamental and is used to attract a mate (usually of the same sex). Space Men are usually pretty weak, only able to Bench about 20 pounds. which accounts for there failure to compete in the Olympics. And though most Space Men are criminals, very few have actually ever been convicted...Because, you see, besides being good at interstellar travel...They are also good attorneys!

The Dragon...

Only 6 species of Dragons are actually carnivorous. Though depicted in folklore as cold-blooded man-killers, only 13% of the entire dragon population ever actually consumed humans (on a regular basis). Most are actually, vegetarian or only eat small sheep. The carnivorous 'Red' Dragon is far more dominant than other species and can usually persuade the more peace loving 'Green', 'Howler', 'Pigmy' and 'Pot-Belly' dragons to eat a person or two, using peer pressure and the threat of violence. These benevolent dragon's would much rather knit you a rug than bite you, thus they typically live in guilt for a week or so after a hearty meal of human.
SAFETY TIPS - How To Identify A Dragon That WILL Eat You
  1. Predominantly Red in color and drooling when they look at you.
  2. Molars are more jagged than flat.
  3. They don't laugh if you tickle them.
  4. They look angry, even after you've complimented them.
  5. And If they strike at you with lightning speed, like a gigantic rattlesnake with mouth agape this should raise a 'red flag' that you are in danger. If this behavior persists.....move away.

The Caterpillar...

Despite its name the Catapillar is not a member of the Felinus (cat) Family. However, when it rears up on its haunches and assumes Attack posture...It does resemble a pillar. From their first day of life, The caterpillar will consume up to 27 times its weight in excess stomach acid. This voracious appetite is to allow the caterpillar to absorb enough nutrients so it can survive its Crystallis Phase ®. The caterpillar (when in its chrysalis form) has many predators, including the Walking Stick, Praying Mantis and Spotted Owl thankfully, the spotted owl is nearly extinct giving the beautiful butterfly a better chance at survival. Though the non-dormant caterpillar is more than a match for these opportunistic hunters, they are quite defenseless while in there metamorphic hibernation. This is where nature plays one of its dirtiest tricks... Scientists estimate that approximately 1 out of every 150 chrysalis yield not a colorful butterfly but rather a Fully grown 800 pound Saber-Tooth Tiger!!! (which ironically, IS a member of the felinus family...)
This Hell-begotten Beast will serve to protect the rest of the colony while they emerge and seek their fortunes. None of these Sabre-Tooth Cats has ever been found, leading experts to believe that there is an ancient Sabre-Tooth Cat Graveyard where ALL of these creatures march to die after the colony has emerged and their role as protector has ended.

The Dik-Dik...

Smallest member of the Antelope Family, the Dik-Dik is just about as cute as can be. But don't let there cuddly appearance deceive you, for this is the very feature that makes The Dik-Dik Natures Most perfect killer! Usually hunting in Packs of 30-40 the Dominant Bull Dik-Dik will set the trap for an unsuspecting Elephant or Lion. When the Lion catches sent of the helpless looking Dik-Dik, he'll come closer, lured in by the Crafty Dik-Diks method acting, (Usually portraying an injured fawn). When the time is right, The pack will move in and attack, in a fury rarely seen in the antelope family. Using their 4 razor sharp horns, the poor lion is no match for a hungry pride of Dik-Diks. The kill is quick but savage, within minutes the pride is gorged and the gleaming white Lion Skeleton, glistening in the sun is the only reminder that the Dik-Dik's were just in town. Usually after a large kill, the trophy pelt will be given to the eldest Male for use as a through rug or robe. A word to the wise...Next time you visit the Serengheti plain and you see a cute would-be pet. Think twice, if you value your skin.

The Poodle...

Though hunted to near extinction in the mid 1800's, The poodle lives today in vast numbers. Early settlers in North America saw Poodles as a disease carrying scourge of the prairie. Entire herds of the beasts were cut down in their tracks by sports hunters from passing train cars. Poodles are considered quite intelligent (by canine standards), they outperform most species of marmoset in both Mathematics and Written. Unfortunately, not all Poodles use there considerable intellect in the pursuit of good.
Considered to be the masterminds behind The Great Buffalo Takeover Of SmoothRock, Wyoming, Where a 60,000-strong heard of Buffalo marched into town seeking political asylum from range hunters. The Poodles convinced the dim buffalo that they deserved better treatment. However, the plot did not end here. The poodles accurately calculated the number weapons in town and assessed to total number of bullets. Realizing that there was substantially fewer bullets than 60,000, they knew that the march on city hall would be successful.
However, the Poodles had a far more sinister plot in mind. You see, while all the 'Men-folk' were busy squeezing off round-after-round to quell the invading masses... The Entire Purina® Gravy Train shipment was left unguarded! A small gang of poodles reportedly made off with nearly 3,000 pounds of the prized feed. Included close to 200 pounds of the coveted Beefy Chunks Dinner® Since that day the entire Poodle race has had to bear the burden of the crimes of a sad few.

The Marine Hyena...

This little understood creature shares many traits and habits with its land-locked counterpart... The Standard or Laughing hyena. Though, unlike the 'land' hyena, the 'marine' is a savage predator. Rather than wait for a meal to become available, the Marine Hyena stalks its prey in a fashion reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition. Feeding primarily on Sea Cucumbers and Sponges, The hunting technique is spectacular. Despite the fact that Sea Cucumbers and Sponges are slow moving and lethargic, when cornered they become ferocious. And can easily prove more than a match for many would-be assailants. The tenacious Marine Hyena is one of the few who can subdue this hostile prey and enjoy a well balanced meal. The main food groups for the Marine Hyena include "The Basic Two Food Groups"...Vegetable and Sponge... Part of the enigma of the Marine Hyena is that while the Land Hyena is indigenous to the African Continent. The Marine Hyena is an inhabitant of the Tropical Regions of South America.

The Salamander...

This amphibian comes in over 6,500 varieties including the Giant Salamander of Japan and The Texas Blind Salamander of Ireland. They range in size from approximately 2 centimeters to a whopping 4 Meters. The larger specimens are carnivorous and can carry away a small calf. While the smaller ones are usually timid and are used as snake food at pet shops. Still other species have venomous saliva and can kill with a lick. Though sometimes confused with lizards, Salamanders can be distinguished from the reptilian lizard by 1) the fact that Lizards are scaly and dry and Salamanders are smooth and slimy, more commonly 2) By their names. While lizards tend to prefer common American names like Joe or Frank. Salamanders stick with Biblical names like John, Peter, David, Job, Jesus, Noah or Moses. Many Salamanders are edible, but make sure not to eat the poisonous ones. This Simple Rhyme will help you remember which ones to avoid at supper time:

    Black, Brown and Yellow,
    Will Kill a Stout fellow.
    But, Green And White Stripes
    Are A Connoisseur's Delight.