SATICHE - 0112

Attributed Insults

A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead. - Alexander Pope
A cherub's face, a reptile all the rest. - Alexander Pope
A cross between an aardvark and an albino rat. - John Simon (about Barbra Streisand)
A dork is a dork is a dork. - Judy Markey
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. - Earl Long
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. - Louis Nizer
A great actress, from the waist down. - Dame Margaret Kendal
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits. - Edith Sitwell
A little emasculated mass of inanity. - Theodore Roosevelt (about Henry James)
A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post. - Tom Waits
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Winston Churchill
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - Mark Twain
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity. - Benjamin Disraeli
A triumph of the embalmer's art. - Gore Vidal (about Ronald Reagan)
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits. - Alexander Pope
A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it. - George Bernard Shaw
Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. - Al Capp
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness. - David Shipman
Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him. - F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)
An agile but unintelligent and abnormal German, possessed of the mania of grandeur. - Leo Tolstoy (about Friedrich Nietzsche)
An enchanting toad of a man. - Helen Hayes
Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep. - Dennis Healy
Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination. - Irving Layton (about Pierre Trudeau)
Differently clued. - Dave Clark
Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. - Donald Trump (to Larry King)
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. - Josh Billing
Don't be so humble, you're not that great. - Golda Meir
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. - Groucho Marx
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off. - Groucho Marx
End of season sale at the cerebral department. - Gareth Blackstock
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. - Oscar Levant
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. - Winston Churchill
Failure has gone to his head. - Wilson Mizner
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. - Jonathan Swift
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. - Neil Simon
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain
God was bored by him. - Victor Hugo
Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life. - Jeremy Thorpe
Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. - Mark Twain
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. - Fred Allen
Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale. - David Letterman
He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off. - Lyndon Baines Johnson (about Gerald Ford)
He's a trellis for varicose veins. - Wilson Mizner
He's completely unspoiled by failure. - Noel Coward
He's done everybody's act. He's a parrot with skin on. - Fred Allen (about Milton Berle)
He's liked, but he's not well liked. - Arthur Miller
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate. - Johnny Carson
He's so small, he's a waste of skin. - Fred Allen
He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code. - Earl Wilson
He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces. - Mae West
He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup. - Wilson Mizner
He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. - Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head. - Margot Asquith
He can't help it -
he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. - Ann Richards (about George Bush)
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln
He could never see a belt without hitting below it. - Margot Asquith
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. - Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)
He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face. - Johnny Carson (about Ronald Reagan)
He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating. - Ayn Rand
He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it. - T.S. Eliot (about Henry James)
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. - George C. Scott
He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill
He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty. - Thomas P. Gore
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) . . . Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde
He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair. - Theodore Roosevelt
He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. - David Lloyd George
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. - Robert Redford
He has the lucidity which is the by-product of a fundamentally sterile mind. - Aneurin Bevan (about Neville Chamberlain)
He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth. - Pauline Kael (about Robert Redford)
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him. - Eddie Cantor
He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. - Leonard Louis Levinson
He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him. - Herbert Beerbohm Tree
He is as good as his word - and his word is no good. - Seamus MacManus
He is brilliant - to the top of his boots. - David Lloyd George
He is just about the nastiest little man I've ever known. He struts sitting down. - Lillian Dykstra (about Thomas Dewey)
He is mad, bad and dangerous to know. - Lady Caroline Lamb
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. - H. H. Munro
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time. - Eugene Field
He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea. - John Steinbeck
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease. - Henry James
He is the very pineapple of politeness. - Richard Brinsley Sheridan
He is your typical smiling, brilliant, backstabbing, bull-shitting southern nut-cutter. - Lane Kirkland (about Jimmy Carter)
He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it. - Joseph Heller
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
He knows so little and knows it so fluently. - Ellen Glasgow
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. - Raymond Chandler
He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog. - John Simon
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Calvin Coolidge)
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker
He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds. - Percival Wilde
He makes a July's day short as December. - William Shakespeare
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously. - Oliver Goldsmith
He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own. - Margaret Halsey
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money. - Moliere
He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged. - Simone Signoret
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style. - Leo Tolstoy
He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one. - Earl of Rochester
He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop. - Sydney Smith
He strains his conversation through a cigar. - Hamilton Mabie
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. - John Ruskin
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination. - Andrew Lang
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp. - Kate Cruise O'Brien
He was a great friend of mine. Well, as much as you could be a friend of his, unless you were a fourteen-year-old nymphet. - Truman Capote (about Faulkner)
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trilogy. - Mark Twain
He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep. - Dorothy Eden
He was as great as a man can be without morality. - Alexis de Tocqueville
He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright. - Samuel Butler
He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong. - Benjamin Disraeli
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Victor Borge
He was humane but not human. - e e Cummings (about Ezra Pound)
He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met. - William Faulkner
He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them. - Charles Kingsley
He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin. - Dorothy L. Sayers
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. - Molly Ivins
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes. - Fred Allen
He was trying to save both his faces. - John Gunther
He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve. - George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)
He'd make a lovely corpse. - Charles Dickens
He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices. - Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)
Her body has gone to her head. - Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen
Her only flair is in her nostrils. - Pauline Kael
Her skin was white as leprosy. - S. T. Coleridge
Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed. - Ralph Novak
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. - Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
His face was filled with broken commandments. - John Masefield
His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. - Alan Brien
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. - Robin Williams
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. - Mark Twain
His ignorance is encyclopedic. - Abba Eban
His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. - F. H. Bradley
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. - Heywood Braun
His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap. - Irving Stone (about William Jennings Bryan)
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin. - John Philpot Curran
His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship. - Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with. - Charles Lamb
His writing is limited to songs for dead blondes. - Keith Richards (about Elton John) . . . I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago. - Elton John (about Keith Richards)
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. - Woody Allen
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. - Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb
I am reading Henry James...and feel myself as one entombed in a block of smooth amber. - Virginia Woolf
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. - Steve Martin
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. - Steven Pearl
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. - Mark Twain
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain
I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well. - Joan Crawford
I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot. - Oscar Wilde
I feel a little like Zsa Zsa Gabor's fifth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm not sure how to make it interesting. - Al Gore, when he was the 24th speaker at a political dinner
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. - Walter Matthau
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. - Groucho Marx
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I treasure every moment that I do not see her. - Oscar Levant
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located? - Ashleigh Brilliant
I will always love the false image I had of you. - Ashleigh Brilliant
I wish I'd known you when you were alive. - Leonard Louis Levinson
I worship the quicksand he walks in. - Art Buchwald
I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland. - Eugene McCarthy
If he were any dumber, he'd be a tree. - Barry Goldwater
If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog. - Joan Rivers
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? - Charles Pierce
In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear. - Gore Vidal (about Gertrude Stein)
In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority. - Ellen Glascow
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - Charles, Count Talleyrand
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat? - Dr. Gonzo
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey. - Jeff Foxworthy
It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy, proceed with arrogance, and finish with contempt. - Thomas Paine (about John Adams)
Like the little man on top of the wedding cake. - Harold Ickes
Little things affect little minds. - Benjamin Disraeli
Mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. - Heywood Braun
Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write. - A. E. Housman
Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache. - Alan Bennett
Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Douglas MacArthur)
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. - Van Jacobson
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers. - Rob Wagner
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast. - W. S. Gilbert
No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment. - Clifton Fadiman
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. - Oscar Wilde
Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. - Heinrich Heine
Please try not to be such a wiener-head. - Dave Barry
Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life. - Ivy Compton-Burnett
Shakespeare never has six lines together without a fault. - Samuel Johnson
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice. - Foghorn Leghorn
She's a vacuum with nipples. - Otto Preminger (about Marilyn Monroe)
She's been on more laps than a napkin. - Walter Winchell
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. - Gypsy Rose Lee
She's good, being gone. - William Shakespeare
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together. - John Cantu
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. - Joan Rivers
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong. - Mae West
She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their hunted expression. - C. S. Lewis
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did. - Ada Leverson
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit. - W. Somerset Maugham
She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache. - Noel Coward
She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day. - Cecil Beaton (about Katherine Hepburn)
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. - Robertson Davies
She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese. - Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)
She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age. - Oscar Levant
She is a peacock in everything but beauty. - Oscar Wilde
She is a water bug on the surface of life. - Gloria Steinem
She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit. - Joan Rivers (about Madonna)
She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else. - Elsa Lanchester
She looked like a huge ball of fur on two well-developed legs. - Nancy Mitford
She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater. - Louella Parsons
She looks like something that would eat its young. - Dorothy Parker
She must use Novocain lipstick. - Jack Paar (about Dorothy Kilgallen)
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. - Jean Webster
She never was really charming till she died. - Terence
She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens. - Michael Arlen
She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it. - Bob Fosse
She not only worships the golden calf, she barbecues it for lunch. - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious. - W. Somerset Maugham
She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen. - Odell Shepherd (about Louisa May Alcott)
She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends. - Harold Nicholson
She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. - Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)
She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin. - Heinrich Heine
She should get a divorce and settle down. - Jack Paar
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig. - Margot Asquith
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. - Margot Asquith
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered. - James Matthew Barrie
She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly. - Clifton Fadiman
She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts. - Raymond Chandler
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers. - Alexander Woollcott
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand. - Saul Bellow
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork. - Jonathan Swift
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. - Alan Bennett
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise. - Tobias George Smolett
Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others. - Kin Hubbard
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. - Joseph Heller "Catch-22"
Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. - William Dean Howells
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. - Ashleigh Brilliant
Stay with me; I want to be alone. - Joey Adams
Teflon brain (nothing sticks.) - Lily Tomlin
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. - - Moses Hadas
That's not writing, that's typing. - Truman Capote
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - Dorothy Parker
That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting. - Douglas Adams
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs. - Jackie Gleason
The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg. - Edmund Wilson
The finest woman that ever walked the streets. - Mae West
The gods too are fond of a joke. - Aristotle
The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread. - William Keegan
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. - Joseph Stilwell
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes. - William Shakespeare
The triumph of sugar over diabetes. - George Jean Nathan
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw
The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished. - Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan)
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard
There but for the grace of God, goes God. - Winston Churchill
There goes the famous good time that was had by all. - Bette Davis
They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. - Hunter S. Thompson
Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian. - William Shakespeare
Thou mammering half-faced measle. - William Shakespeare
Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw. - George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)
To err is Truman. - A popular joke in 1946
To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar. - John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)
Useless as a pulled tooth. - Mary Roberts Rinehart
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. - Ashleigh Brilliant
Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind. - John Ehrlichman
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement. - Fred Allen
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You! - from Murphy Brown
What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank. - Liberace
Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it. - Bosley Crowther (about Loretta Young)
When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes. - Josh Billings
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? - David Letterman
While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either. - James Thurber
While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you. - Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? - Don Rickles (to David Letterman on 02/95/96 "Late Show")
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? - Milton Berle
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. - P. G. Wodehouse
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? - Groucho Marx
Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday. - Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)
Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty. - Lillian Hellman
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. - Jim Samuels
You're a mouse studying to be a rat. - Wilson Mizner
You're a parasite for sore eyes. - Gregory Ratoff
You are so pure in mind and heart, / In aspect, too, so mild, / I wonder that you ever could / Implant your wife with child. - Martial
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. - Irvin S. Cobb
You had to stand in line to hate him. - Hedda Hopper
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. - Norm Papernick
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. - Aristophanes
You have delighted us long enough. - Jane Austen
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving. - David Letterman
You really have to get to know him to dislike him. - James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)
You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. - Joe Orton
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. - Groucho Marx
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. - Frederic Raphael