The Way It Is
[A simple summary of the universe.]
- In then beginning, there was nothing to begin with, so there was no beginning.
- After the non-existant beginning began, nothing had yet began to begin to be.
- But before anything could begin to begin to be, something had to begin to begin to be.
- So by and by, beginning to be had not yet began to be, so then beginning began to be before the beginning.
- But this was only the beginning because the beginning was only beginning to begin to be.
- Thus the beginning began to begin to be, and it began before the beginning of the end of the beginning.
- So after the beginning before the end began, time and space began to begin to be.
- But before this could begin, there had to be the beginning of the big bang.
- Thusly the big bang blew and the true beginning began before the beginning to come after this beginning.
- Once the big bang blew, the beginning of matter and energy began to begin to be.
- But behold! The beginning was only beginning to begin to be because this beginning began before the beginning of the end of the beginning began to be.
- And the beginning always begins to be before the beginning of the end begins to be because.... well, because nothing in particular.
- Then the new beginning began to be but only before the old beginning began to become dead.
- But the new beginning began after the beginning of the end of this beginning.
- But before the beginning could begin to end, the beginning of life had to begin to begin to be.
- But this did not begin to begin to be until near the beginning of the end.
- And these beginnings began before the big bang blew which was before the beginning of the end.
- Being before this was the beginning of big bubbles of matter called galaxies bouncing beautifully.
- But this was only the beginning because this was the beginning of the beginning before last.
- But the being of big bouncing bubbles brought the beginning of the end of the beginning of the big bang.
- But life had not yet began to begin to be. Thus the beginning began.
- But then, before the beginning of the end began, life began to begin to be, to be boring that is.
- But now, the beginning of the end began to be able to begin to be but life didn't want that.
- And all began to be good, but before this began the being of the beginning.
- But this was only the beginning because the beginning began by being a big bore before the beginning of the end began to be.
- Behold, the beginning of the beginning of the end began to begin to be before the big end!
- Thusly and verily did the beginning of the end beginning to begin to be became the biggest beginning before the end.
- Now the beginning began to begin to end at the ending of the beginning before the big end after the beginning of the beginning.
The universe consists of matter, energy, and forces (the forces deal with energy, but are seperate items). The subject we will address here is one force in particular, the one that holds nuclei of atoms together, the force that keeps solid objects in one peice, and that which keeps planets in orbit about their suns. It is the one ultimate binding force of the cosmos, you guessed it, Masking Tape.
After the big bang, matter was strewn about everywhere, and the only forces acting upon the plasma was it's own pressure and heat. Then strands of Masking tape began to form. Molecules and complex nuclei formed quickly, and soon it started to stick large clumps of gas together such that they may form stars and planets. Then larger strips of Masking tape became possible, and galaxies formed from the clusters of stars being drawn ever closer by this infinitely powerful adhesive force.
Then even more complex molecules began to form, as mini-tape strands clustered together. Thus came the advent of DNA and thereby, life. And the adhesive and attractive nature of Masking tape was not limited to just the physical and chemical components of the universe, but also affected the behavioral and emotional patterns of the living entities within it. Why else do you think male and female beings put up with each other? And why do you think you are still reading this? And why are you still on earth and not floating in space? And why is it that my car keeps hitting those little fuzzy things on the road? Masking tape, THAT is the answer.
- In the beginning, there was only darkness and chaos. Then verily did the advent of duck tape bring order and light to this earth! Unto thee I say, Hail oh great omnipotent source of adhesive power! All hail Masking Tape!
- After god brought forth the Masking tape, he than planted upon his fertile earth the first of men. And unto them he said "Unto thee I verily bestow the power of good and evil, the power of light and darkness, the power to keep your mates from running away, the power to keep your car from getting stolen, I bestow upon thee the power of Masking Tape! And from this point forward thou shalt always use it in remembrance of me." And with that he created Masking Tape in his own image.
- Afterwards, he said unto the people of earth, "These are my commandments:
- Thou shalt not kill (at least not with Masking tape)
- Thou shalt not steal (at least not with Masking tape)
- Thou shalt not worship any other adhesive material but me (especially not scotch tape).
- Thou shalt frown at insulating tape.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors tape.
- Thou shalt not commit tape-discarding.
- Thou shalt keep holy the Tape-Worship Day.
- Thou shalt not use glue or any other non-tape adhesive material.
- Thou shalt not harm any fuzzies.
- Thou shalt love Masking Tape as thou doth love thyself."
- Then verily unto man did fall the awesome responsibility of this power. But woe did he not prove worthy, for the Masking tape became his undoing. Unto thee I say woe!
- But then forth man did again arise. But without the Masking tape, and thusly no adhesive strength. But everything was honkey dorey. For man accomplished great things only a mother could be proud of, and Masking tape once again became his!
- Thusly and verily I say upon thee that this was the all holy and sacred progeny of our own people. Take note and beware the power of the all sacred Masking tape, and do not forsake thine destiny by performing such blasphemes as discarding the tape, for only in the tape wilst thou find true oneness with the divine being.
And now for a technical standpoint...
The universe is immensly vast (it's also very big). We already know that it is held together by Masking tape, so I won't discuss that further (well, maybe, but not now anyway). As you know the universe is quite big... oh yeh, already said that.. Ok.
Let's discuss the size. The universe is so big, that everything that exists inside it fits within it. Now how can this be? We all know that a baker's dozen is 13, and that a 10 gallon hat isn't really 10 gallons.
These are prime examples of things that contradict this theory. Yet on the same token, if not everything fit, where would it go? Oh nevermind, we all know very well that when something leaves the universe it goes to that giant septic tank in the sky, but then that hasn't been proven yet, so we must assume that my first statement was in error, and the universe is in fact too small to hold everything within it.
Now this leads us to our next sub-topic, black holes. They are like giant vaccuum cleaners that suck up everything in their path (I think they were built by Black & Decker, but it could have been Sears). And it's due to these little electrical disasters are what keeps the universe from imploding (which we will discuss later) by sucking up the excess matter. Unfortunately these things are pretty dark, and I wouldn't suggest stepping into one (trust me, it's bad). These infinitely dense balls of debris are not exactly a good choice for a vacation spot.
Speaking of infinity, that leads us to yet our main topic (I think I see a pattern emerging). Infinity can be described in the simple equation 1/0 (don't you love undefined numbers). You can get an infinite number any time you divide something by 0. An example of an undefined ratio would be my intelligence divided by Saddam Hussein's IQ (wow, a microcosm of the universe!!).
It took scientists decades to calculate the entire equation of the universe (and no, I haven't shifted topics yet). The entire equation is still infinity, but it has a very specific set of numbers within it. It is: 0^0/0. The hard part was the denominator, which also equates to the purpose of the universe (that's one of the reasons the specific numbers are so significant). It took those very same scientists several years to discover what "0 raised to the 0 power divided by 0" could really mean. Well, they put the question to a super-computer and it's response was "42-meter Masking Tape" (it took 42 minutes to calculate it as well). This was by far an immense discovery. After all, it takes a lot of guts to use up several decades only to find a conclusion that is utterly useless (because we already know about Masking tape). And fortunately for us, those scientists were fired before they could start work on the cosmic meaning of the number 42 (we later discovered that 42 is the number of young that are born at a time by a certain species of worm, which happens to be called a 'Tape' worm. It is also the standard size of herd of a certain species of man-eating cricket. And on top of that, it's the size of one company's economy-packs of Masking Tape).
Several years ago a study was funded with about 2 trillion dollars to find as many things as possible that deal with these numbers (now you know where the national debt came from). Unfortunately not much has become of it, most of the money went towards buying industrial strength Masking tape, which was later used to try to keep the San Andreas fault from causing any earth-quakes. (it wasn't my "fault", get it? Fault? Ha!).
Here is what has been discovered during the 21 year study.. (that which hasn't already been mentioned, at any rate):
42 = collective IQ of the world leaders.
3 = number of high school students that don't reproduce before they graduate
0 = number of intelligent decisions made by the government.
3 = number of megs left on my hard drive.
42 = the top speed of my neighbor's car.
30 = the original size of the first hard drive my BBS used.
0 = collective mass of the brains of the idiots who take this seriously.
0 = amount of light reflected from black things (to be discussed later).
3 = number of original copies of The Book of the Cosmos.
3 = number of young born to a single fuzzy during it's life span.
As mentioned briefly previously, implosion is a major factor in the universe. If there were too much stuff in the universe, (which there is) then it would instantly implode. (And the implosion force would be equal to the mass of the universe multiplied by the reciprocal of 0 (and for you non-techies, that would be infinitely large (and don't you just love these parenthetical statements?))). If it weren't for Masking tape, and small fuzzies, the universe would have imploded about 42 minutes ago.
That's why you don't go around killing fuzzies (Heh, oops). The fate of the universe depends on their survival, and I don't care how fun it is to watch them implode when they die! Just don't touch them, ok?
Why do the fuzzies play such a large role in universal implosion? Well, that's a question that has been pondered for about, oh, at least a minute or two. Actually, we're not sure about that either (but they have funded another study to look into that). One theory is that they actually invented Masking tape. But then, how can a little 1 centimeter thing that looks like a ball of fuzz with two eyes do anything with that level of significance? Well, the answer may lie within their colors. As we all know, fuzzies come in many colors, the most common of which are black, white or grey. Theory has it that blue ones are rather intelligent and green ones are almost mindless.
Did you ever notice that the black fuzzies are quite black in color? Well, that's because they are black. If they weren't black, then they would be a different color. But they ARE black. And since they are black, they reflect very little, if any, light. This is typical of what we scientists call a black thing. And black things play a large role in the cosmic scene as well. That's one reason black fuzzies are suspected to be very important. Some other black things that are significant are black holes (as previously discussed). And black things are quite significant in another fashion, the amount of light they reflect is 0, which of course is the universal denominator. Black holes in particular are quite significant in yet another way, they were once stars, but they imploded (there's that word again). More on this later (if I feel like it).
And now for a historical standpoint...
The earliest record we have of any human able to comprehend it's surroundings dates back about 2 million years. There are cave writings that show the types of animals they hunted, as well as some sort of strange black rectangular object/obelisk (there's that color again). But at that early stage there seemed to be no knowledge of how things really worked, no knowledge of science. That started only couple thousand years ago (which we will get to in a moment).
As time progressed, tools were invented, such as stone knives, bows, spears, then eventually swords, axes, boats, and an early form of glue. They still believed that everything had a supernatural origin (I'm not denying that there actually was, we don't know that for sure). Later (only a couple thousand years ago), people started building all sorts of things.. houses, sailing ships, wagons, guns, cannons, rockets,
and fuzzy corrals. Note that I mark the beginning of that period at a couple thousand years ago, and the later items on the list were as recent as a couple hundred years ago.
Then, such minds as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, George Washington, and a small select group of non-sentient comatose newborns made some astonishing discoveries (the least of which was the fact that one cannot possibly chop down a cherry tree and not tell a lie). They revolutionized the world. They discovered electricity and the fact that atoms cannot be broken (or else the world will implode). They also discovered that light gets bent around massive objects due to the gravity, and later discovered that that was an error and the real reason that light is bent is the change in density of the ether around those objects.
Most recently were such discoveries as that computer viruses and worms are actually alive, and it has become illegal to eradicate them because they are an endangered species. Trojans however can be blown to bits if the person so desires. Conversly, among the things deemed non-living were items like history teachers, the president's cabinet, and most types of bathroom tissue (though the debate still continues on that one).
However, advances in astronomy are slow in coming, mostly because the astronomers have been observing the wrong kind of heavenly body. But they have managed to build a telescope that can peer into your bedroom from orbit. One significant discovery made recently was the fact that the sun does actually cease to exist after sunset, and it is then reborn in the morning.
Plans to build a spacecraft to venture to Jupiter are underway. The idea of making a new 'Discovery' is quite tempting to some NASA theorists. One in particular (who is against the project) was interviewed; his response was simply, "What the HAL do they expect to find up there?"
Q & A time...
Q. Now that was a nice overview of technological progress, but when did the nature of the universe start to become known?
A. Well, as previously stated, prehistoric man started to discover the simplest of adhesives, glue. But tape wasn't developed/discovered until somewhere near the early part of the twentieth century. In the late 60's, work on the problem of mathematically expressing the universe began. And only now do we know the significance of certain numbers and sticky things. Fuzzies are still under investigation, and we will probably never know all of the things that deal with those special numbers discussed earlier. But at least we have better telescopes!
Q. What exactly do the fuzzies do?
A. Were you sleeping? We just said that's still under investigation! Geeeezzzz, some people! Please try to pay more attention.
Q. What is the single unified universal binding force of the cosmos?
A. This is a trick question, isn't it...
Q. What are Einstein's theories about? Especially relativity..
A. Welp, here's a toughie.. First of all, the relativity deals with the idea that somewhere within the same area of space in time, there will always be someone related to you. Basically you can't escape your relatives, even at the speed of light. That was his most important discovery. Among the less significant were things like thermonuclear energy, which is the energy given off in the form of heat as the nuclei of atoms fight to the death. Under an electron microscope we have actually seen entire atomic cities fall to dust in chain-reaction wars.
Q. How big is the universe?
A. Ask god. Ha! Seriously, we are working on that. We have located a star that is right on the edge of the universe (we know it's on the edge because we can see it's reflection). We have calculated it's distance from us. Now we only have yet to find another star in the other direction that is also on the edge. The present theory is that we are at the center, and thus the distance to that star is the radius of the universe. Of course there is one slight problem, we have spotted galaxies that are billions of times farther than that star. But scientists have officially stated that it is purely coincidental and unrelated (whatever that means).
Q. Which weighs more, the sears tower or the ancient pyramid of cheops?
A. Is that really relevant? Well, I will say this. Divide the mass of either one by your IQ and you'll get an undefined number. Hey, wait a minute, who's letting these people in here? Nevermind, next question...
Q. Why is the earth round? Why not square or triangular?
A. Good question. First of all, it's NOT round. It's a popular misconception that it is round. It's actually flat. We have already lost some ships off the edge. We still don't know what's on the other side, but we do know that under there is where the sun is destroyed and created each day. Everytime we send a satellite or a boat or a spaceship over there, they vanish. One theory is that the bermuda triangle extends downward into the earth, and comes out the other side. That would explain all the vanishings, and what happens to the sun.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from you. And that sounds very tempting at the present moment. Why else?
And now for a philosophical standpoint... [Hmmmm...]
What is the meaning of life? What is our purpose in the universe? How much time do we have left to exist? Is procrastination actually virtue? Can philosophers be considered living beings? These are questions that have been pondered for millenia. And we are only slightly closer to knowing the answers now than we were many centuries ago.
One man knew the answers, but unfortunately he died at birth. Others have had some of the answers, but they died in an airplane crash on the way to the place where they were going tell the world what they knew.
Well, not too much is known, but here is the present view of our leading scientists and philosophers:
The meaning of life is something that is quite impossible to pinpoint. However, one can look into several of it's infinite facets. One popular viewpoint is that we are all here to destroy one another and ourselves in the process. Mankind has demonstrated this throughout history, constant wars have plagued the planet.
The ultimate goal in life is to find bigger and better ways to obliterate each other. So far nuclear weapons are the best we've come up with. Just wait until we harness anti-matter!
The purpose of the universe is to implode, as it will inevitably do one of these days. All it takes is a mass death of fuzzies, or some other disaster that unbalances the space-time continuum. But never fear, we have millions of fuzzies that were bred and put in cryogenic stasis for just such an emergency (unfortunately we don't know how to unfreeze them without imploding them).
Procrastination IS a virtue. Most high school and college students will be found procrastinating on everything. It's normal, and it is a quality that should be embraced, and one should be proud of it.
Philosophers have been deemed unliving. Both the scientists and the philosophers will agree. Some of us are still skeptical, so tests have been scheduled. We plan to see if the philosophers meet the criteria for being considered living (such as excretion, reproduction, response to stimuli, etc, etc, etc). Those results won't be in for another month or so.
A return to the technical side of things, in other words, a science lesson...
Did you ever wonder why grass is green? Or how those people got inside that little box you call a TV? Or why the moon looks like swiss cheeze? Or perhaps how magnets work? Well, here we will try to explain some of these things in a format that your limited intellect can inderstand (oops, sorry), and perhaps a few other things as well.
White light is made up of several different colors of light all mashed together. Only the green is absorbed by the grass, that is why it is green. All the other colors are reflected away and only the green is left for us to see. Now why is the green absorbed? Well, theory has it that there is this substance called "Chlorophyl" in it, and that this stuff is what is left over after the grass feeds upon the fertilizer in the soil. Wouldn't you turn green if you had to eat fertilizer? Do you know what they put in that stuff?
The people in your TV are called "Actors". They were put there by the company that built your TV set. The reason they are called actors is because they can act like they are doing fine even though they are all cramped together inside your little TV. The electronics companies have refined the technology so well that they can fit a thousand people or so into a five inch set. So don't forget to feed the TV!
Despite popular belief, the moon is not actually made out of swiss cheeze, it only looks like it. It is actually made out of american cheeze. The holes are craters that were made by small colonies of mice. And how did the mice get there? Well, that's our fault, in the early days of space travel, we used to launch animals into orbit so that we could see if it were safe to go ourselves. But one of our ships went off course and cashed there.
Magnets are quite simple indeed. There are male magnets and female magnets. Also, there are bisexual magnets (the most common) that have a male end and a female end (more commonly called north and south, respectively). But that doesn't explain their attraction entirely. Well, there are these minute strands of Masking-tape that reach out and stick to certain types of metal. One type of metal is the type that is in the center of the moon and the earth as well. That is what keeps them in orbit.
Time for some more Q & A...
Q. Are black holes black?
A. Ok, ok, ok... You forced it out of me. Most of us say yes, but there are some who have a theory that they are actually a very dark shade of maroon. Some say that they are even a dark shade of lavender. But there is no proof as yet.
Q. Why do guns have recoil?
A. Ah, well, uh, let's see. Guns, like everything else, have reflexes and thus get startled when they hear a loud noise. So when they fire, they jump in surprise. Wouldn't you get startled or scared if you had a bullet flying through you?
Q. What did Benjamin Franklin contribute to the world of science?
A. Well, That's simple. He experimented with electricity using a kite, and later discovered the usefulness of it. Now most electronic devices are powered by electricity and have kites as components. Yes, believe it or not your hairdryer, computer, and even your TV have small kites in them. The kites are now refered to as "transistors" and "capacitors".
Q. Is it true that bumblebees are incapable of flight?
A. Yes. It has been mathematically proven that they cannot fly. Some people have been skeptical, simply because they DO fly. But what kind of reasoning is that? As it turns out, they fly simply because they don't know that they can't.
Q. I've heard the story a thousand times, as have most of us, but I still Don't know what "Eureka" means. Can you explain it?
A. The word originally comes from the ancient egyptian region. It dates back many thousands of years. The exact translation is, "I have discovered the workings of the entire universe and it is so simple that I can calculate anything I want with my eyes closed and none of you know what the hell I'm talking about because you are all dolts, so there, nyah!" (Not many have spoken this word and lived to tell about it).
Q. "To be or not to be"... That is the question.
A. "Huh? What?"... That is the answer.
Q. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
A. Well, wood chucks do chuck wood and they chuck a good amount of wood all the time. Unfortunately we have never actually witnessed a wood chuck chucking wood, but we think it could and would be a good way to remove all that unwanted facial hair.
Q. How big of an explosion would be created if a person were made out of antimatter and was set off by enough matter to annihilate him completely?
A. Well, it would be big, VERY big. Actually, [and this part is fairly true] the explosion would be about as powerful as all the nuclear warheads owned by both the USA and the USSR put together and combined at one place, detonated simultaneously. Now, what was the point in that question? Let me guess, is that why you are wearing that large magnetically contained suit? Or is it that you just want a chance to get away from it all?