The Police Officer's Essential Dictionary

Introduction

There are many, many words in the English language but when struggling to find an adequate name for a particular type of person or event, one often finds oneself using a whole string of words when really only one is necessary. This is because there are many things which exist today for which we don't have an adequate name.

This is never more so than in police work; police officers come across and deal with all sorts of people and problems; how much easier it would be if we could refer to a single word and all understand at an instant just what is being described.

The Police Officer's Essential Dictionary goes some way to rectifying this problem. Armed with a whole new set of words it is now possible to cut down on all the fumbling with words and phrases when, with a little searching, the exact person or event is described here in precisely one word.

Glossary

(q.v.)a reference to another item in the dictionary
(n.)noun
(vb.)verb
(adj.)adjective
Actual Bodily Harm (ABH)an assault where injury is caused to a victim
Assault on Policean assault on a police officer, usually where no injury is caused
CBcitizens band radio
CIDCriminal Investigation Department; plain clothes detectives
CPSCrown Prosecution Service - the organisation of lawyers who prosecute police cases
Divisiona geographical and administrative area into which the police district is divided
Drumslang for 'house'
Factoryslang for 'police station'
HORT/1a ticket given to a driver for him to produce his licence etc. at a police station within 7 days
Jobany police officer is said to be 'in the job'
Lion Intoximetermachine used to measure amount of alcohol in the breath
Personal radioa radio carried by each officer on duty; direct line to his local police station
Probationerpolice officer in the first two years of service; rookie
Scenes of Crime Officer (SOCO)police photographer and scientific evidence gatherer
Spin his drumslang for searching someone's house
Suitslang for 'solicitor'
UniformCID slang for member of the uniform section
VHF radio system carried in each car; operates on VHF frequency and is direct line to HQ

THE DICTIONARY

Alban (n.)
The art of always being busy when a job comes up
Almshoe (vb.)
To search through the in and out trays of senior officers' desks whilst on night shift. Done in an attempt to find out something useful or some more gossip.
Amwell (n.)
A person, usually male and of no intelligence, who elicits some form of pleasure by ripping down litter bins and strewing the contents all over town centre streets. They may progress to pulling down and destroying decorative hanging baskets which shop owners put up in a forlorn attempt to make the town prettier. Each town will have at least thirty amwells, and some many more.
Anstey (n.)
A person who likes to appear carefree and nonchalant at the roadside. He will screw up the HORT/1 you've just issued him with and toss it onto the back seat of his car in an effort to show you that he doesn't care. He is characterised by then quickly driving home to carefully iron out the creases in the HORT/1 and sloping off to the police station to meekly produce his documents in the hope that you are now off duty and won't see him. He often forgets when he screws up the HORT/1 that his car doesn't have a valid MOT.
Arbury (n.)
The one car you see all day worth stopping. The arbury is invariably driving in the opposite direction. The harder you look, the rarer the arbury. (Q.v. bragbury)
Ardeley (adj.)
The affronted look you get from a motorist when you ask them to move their car and park it legally like everyone else.
Ashwell (n.)
A piece of paper of absolutely no importance what-so-ever used in gorhamburying (q.v.) There is no necessity to have anything written on the paper.
Aspenden (n. scientific)
A radio message in which, no matter how many times repeated, the crucial address or phrase is smothered by interference. Not to be confused with a whempstead (q.v.) in which none of the message is received.
Aston (n.)
Someone who ought top know his place but doesn't; often referred to as a 'probationer'.
Astwick (n.)
Any type of minor damage found on a police vehicle; everyone has seen it but no-one knows how it got there. The amount of fuss caused is in inverse proportion to the amount of damage caused. (Q.v. bygrave)
Ayot (vb.)
The act of refusing directions offered by control room to a street, driving there, finding you were wrong and realising that you actually have no idea of the proper location. You then spend the next two hours driving around looking rather than suffer the humiliation of having to ask the control room for directions.
Baldock (vb.)
To grimace; usually thinly disguised as a smile when you walk through a pub crowded with drunks all asking to see your helmet.
Barkway (n.)
The panic when you wake up in a police car and realise you should have been off duty two hours ago.
Barwick (vb.)
The act, by CPS, of dropping a charge of ABH on a police officer to a simple assault on police. As in "Your worships, after careful consideration of this case we feel it appropriate to barwick the charge". Usually done in an effort to 'cop a plea' to a lesser charge, rather than have an expensive trial.
Bayford (adj.)
That sinking feeling experienced at being given a shoplifter at ten minutes to the end of shift.
Beane (n.)
The officer who, for no apparent reason, seems to get moved from station to station with grim regularity. No one knows quite why although everyone has their own theory. Every station has at least one beane.
Bedmond (n.)
The one newspaper boy or postman you see per year actually pushing his bike on the footpath.
Bengeo (n.)
The broken and therefore unusable accident sign which is constantly put in for replacement but always mysteriously finds its way back into the boot of your patrol car.
Benington (n, vb.)
An act of being chastised for an incident you know the person doing the barracking has been guilty of himself. An example would be getting a right bollocking from a senior officer for 'going over the side', when you know he has been married three times and is currently seeing to the senior typist.
Bovingdon (n. medical)
The nodding dog syndrome of an observer falling asleep; extremely annoying for the driver who does not have the same opportunity. This is usually reserved for night shift but some observers are able to do a bovingdon at any time of day.
Bragbury (pl n.)
A collective name for the never ending stream of vehicles worth stopping and easily stoppable which, due to your current assignment or other factors, are totally impossible to stop. (q.v. arbury)
Bramfield (n.)
Any polite phrase such as 'thank you for your cooperation, drive safely and please bear in mind the advice I have given' which actually means ' now sod off you complete arsehole'.
Braughing (vb.)
The act of sellotaping a prawn to the back of the chief superintendent's desk drawer in the knowledge that it will take at least three weeks to discover where the smell is coming from. N.B. Can be done to any disliked senior officer.
Brent Pelham (n.)
A decision which is usually made by senior officers. It is characterised by the officer in question having to consult with as many other parties, interested and otherwise, as possible and should take far longer than necessary. It is invariable as far away from the common sense and most expediently practical version as it is possible to be.
Bricket (n.)
A policeman, usually traffic, who will not change a wheel for a female; but is happy to supervise while she does.
Brocket (adj.)
The confused look of a radio operator on hearing an ickleford (q.v.)
Brookmans (n.)
The inherent and inalienable right of a motorist to park his car wherever the hell he likes.
Broxbourne (n.)
The compulsion for a driver to put his hand on his shoulder or pretend to scratch his neck on seeing a police car. This is almost exclusively done in a misplaced hope of avoiding being seen without a seat belt, but, in fact, attracts more attention than if he had just driven past normally.
Buckland (n.)
An incessant collector of discarded pens who, when asked if he can lend you one, suddenly realises that he doesn't seem to have one spare at that particular moment.
Bulbourne (n.)
The panic that slowly overcomes you as you realise you have arrived at crown court as the star prosecution witness only to have left exhibit 'A' back at the police station 30 miles away. Bulbourne is particularly intense when it doesn't set in until you are halfway through the oath.
Burnham (n.)
A spelling mistake deliberately inserted into a report by the time it returns from the typing pool. The more important the paperwork, the more burnhams will have been slipped in. This necessitates the return of the work to the typists for correction, returning it to you with different burnhams, thus necessitating its return to the typing pool..... This process will continue ad infinitum until you get hauled in front of the superintendent for the late submission of paperwork.
Bygrave (vb.)
As in 'to bygrave a motor'. This is the act of repairing an astwick (q.v.) without anyone noticing the astwick or, indeed, the bygrave
Caldecote (n.)
A motorist who, on seeing 350 cones and 16 signs plus 6 police cars, 2 ambulances and a fire engine all with blue lights flashing, attending to 5 mangled and totally unrecognisable vehicles in the middle of the road, asks if there has been an accident. The noun is often prefixed by ' a complete' (q.v. eastwick, frogmore)
Chapmore End (n.)
An excuse for having an accident. Slippery roads, other mysterious vehicles, a variety of animals running across the road, a vast number of other unbelievable excuses; all are offered in place of the real reason that the person was just driving like a complete jerk.
Cheshunt (n.)
Similar to the ever-present bore who, whenever the opportunity arises, insists in recounting tedious details of when he was on duty during the miners' strike. A real cheshunt can, and will, talk about his time in the strikes of the firemen, ambulancemen, dustmen and prison officers; also the Pope's visit to Coventry and the Toxteth riots. Cheshunts will often seek out the company of new probationers who don't know any better than to listen to all his bullshit.
Chipperfield (n.)
A traffic cop's opening gambit. Well known chipperfields range from 'Good evening, sir, is this your car?', 'Where's the fire, sonny?' to 'what kind of arsehole are you anyway?' Non-verbal chipperfields include pulling the driver out of his car through the quarterlight.
Chiswell (n.)
A retired policeman who insists, despite the fact that you are up to your neck in mangled cars and injured bodies, on telling you he used to be in the job, he then proceeds to tell you how different it all was in 1953.
Clothall (n.)
A lie; usually told to a motorist in an effort to elicit some kind of agreement from him. E.g. 'The garage call out fee should only be about thirty or forty quid', knowing full well it will be nothing less than 142 plus VAT.
Codicote (n.)
The ability to pick the one radio out of fifty which doesn't work. The codicote will be a different radio every day.
Cockernhoe (vb.)
The act cleaning one's ears with the top of a job supplied Bic biro. Usually the biro is borrowed, cockernhoed and then returned to the owner who may then proceed to suck or chew the pen top in total oblivion.
Colney (n.)
The air of superiority emanating from civilian finance controllers.
Cottered (n.)
The incessant and totally unnecessary use of the radio airwaves by traffic officers talking to each other. Typical cottered consists of an elongated discourse on the subject of where and when they will eat their sandwiches.
Cromer (n.)
The impulsive desire to punch in the mouth the 401st motorist to ask if the road is closed.
Croxley (n.)
A heart-warming tale, told with fondness at a colleague's retirement 'do' by someone, usually senior to the person retiring, who never had a good word to say about him during the previous twenty years.
Cuffley (n.)
Someone who will go out of his way not to stop a datchworth (q.v.)
Datchworth (n.)
The type of vehicle which a traffic officer or probationer dreams about. It will have most, if not all, of the following: four bald tyres, blowing exhaust, defective lights, duff brakes, dangerous parts and no MOT. It will be driven by a raving alcoholic with no seatbelt who hasn't got a driving licence or insurance. True datchworths are rare and usually to be found going the opposite way on a dual carriageway.
Digswell (n.)
The radio battery which although indicating fully charged when tested is, in fact, as flat as a pancake when subsequently attached to a radio.
Eastwick (n.)
A motorist who, on seeing the same scene as described in caldecote (q.v.) asks if the road is closed. NB. Eastwicks should be aware of possible cromers (q.v. frogmore).
Elstree (adj.)
The feeling you get on reaching home after work only to discover the police car keys in your trousers pocket.
Enfield (n.)
A person of low intelligence who carries out an act which only they think very clever. An example would be a person who uses someone else's tax disc on his own car and changes the car number on the disc. This is often disguised with large wadges of tippex over the old number and the new number written over the top in biro. It is done in the hope of saving the 55.00 fee but actually ends up costing 650.00 in fines and back tax. Some police officers have a certain amount of sympathy for enfields; but they have a good laugh at them none-the-less.
Epping (vb.)
The act of demoting someone back into uniform whilst at the same time saying that moving into the uniform branch is not a demotion.
Essendon (n.)
The phenomenon whereby although absolutely nothing may have happened all day, or even all week, when the sudden death is reported you spookily find that you are the only one available to deal.
Flaunden (adj. medical)
The feeling of deep depression on hearing that whilst popping into the nick to write a quick report, your partner has been involved in a 26 mile high speed pursuit.
Flamstead (adj.)
The look peculiar to those motorists who, having locked their keys in the car, are told that the only way to retrieve them is to smash one of the windows.
Frogmore (n.)
A motorist who, on seeing the same scene as descried in caldecote (q.v.), demands to be allowed through because he only lives just up the road, he has to get to work, he is going to be late if he drives the long way or some other spurious excuse. The noun frogmore can, in extreme cases, be prefixed with another word beginning with 'f' (adj.). NB. In some cases a motorist can be a frogmore, a caldecote (q.v.) and an eastwick (q.v.) all at the same time.
Furneux Pelham (n.)
The tell tale signs on your face that you have been sleeping in the car whilst on patrol. This is usually apparent because you have red seatbelt lines on your cheek, dried dribble marks down the chin and neck (and the window of the car), or an imprint of the word 'Ford' spelled backwards on your forehead caused through falling forward on to the steering wheel.
Gade (n.)
A technical term for a crime which mysteriously appears on your workload and of which you know absolutely nothing. Some officers have been known to have up to fifteen gades at one time.
Gaddesden (n. medical)
A medical term for the motorist's sudden need to put the right foot on the brake; usually brought about by seeing a patrol car on the motorway bridge ahead.
Gilston (adj.)
The amount of overtime available to the uniform branch during a newnham (q.v.). this is usually in inverse proportion to that available to CID.
Goff (n.)
The silence from a control room radio operator after you have said something which you considered was particularly witty (q.v. harpenden).
Gorhambury (n.)
A well practiced form of always appearing busy by walking round the nick all day with the same piece of paper in the hand; hence to be in a state of gorhambury.
Gosmore (n.)
A buzzword; usually emanating from HQ. One of the characteristics of a gosmore is that it should have little or no meaning. Some recent gosmores include 'I know where you're coming from', 'I take that on board', 'downtime', 'my door is always open' and 'this is a consultative process'.
Gustard (n.)
An officer who takes part in leisure activities which are obviously far beyond their financial capabilities. They will spend a great deal of their working life expounding the joys of flying, jet skiing or power boat racing when, in fact, the truth is that they once bought a copy of 'Outdoor Pursuit' magazine.
Hadham (n.)
A CID officer who has spent the first part of his life as a civilian trying to get into the uniform and then, once accepted, spends the next thirty years trying to stay out of it.
Hadley (vb.)
The act of confusing by insisting on one method one week and a different one the next. A third method may be demanded or the original reverted to without any warning at an unspecified time later. It is particularly relevant to either paperwork or working practices; prosecutions inspectors and sergeants are experts in the field of hadleying.
Harpenden (n.)
This can apply to any sarcastic phrase said in rely to a control room radio operator after they have said something which they consider is particularly witty.
Hastoe (vb.)
To avoid looking at a police officer. This is usually done by a motorist who pulls out in front of a police car travelling at 90 miles per hour with sirens and blue lights switched on. (q.v. norton)
Hemel (n.)
The uncontrollable desire to choke the living shit out of a rabley (q.v.)
Hempstead (n.)
A driver who thinks it is incredibly flash to travel down the outside lane and 105 miles per hour. He is usually the only one on the entire road who doesn't realise that the car immediately behind him, travelling at 106, is a police car. Traffic cops love hempsteads.
Hexton (n.)
Also known as 'vehicle one' in accident reports. This is the vehicle which actually caused the accident. The main characteristic of the hexton is that it is usually the vehicle which comes off lightest.
Hinxworth (n.)
A briefcase, bag, or other item so left as to cause maximum concern and panic. Hinxworths are often left behind on trains or at bus stations. They are either opened by the first police officer to arrive and found to contain sandwiches or top secret government documents, or they are blown up by the Royal Army Ordnance Corps Bomb Disposal Squad and found to contain small pieces of toasted sandwich or tiny shreds of charred top secret government documents. A briefcase, bag, or other item which does contain explosives has another name; bomb.
Hitchin (adj.)
The embarrassed feeling after having found a hinxworth (q.v.) and treated it as a suspicious device. It is only found to be a hinxworth after having completed a full evacuation of the civilian population; called various CID, senior and scenes of crime officers; plus the bomb squad. Five hours later, when the hinxworth has been blown to bits by a controlled explosion. It transpires that the contents were a handful of British Rail sandwiches. You now have that hitchin feeling.
Hoddesdon (n.)
A maneuver in which a vehicle goes all the way around a roundabout in the wrong lane leaving chaos in its wake. It must be done without signaling once and the exit off the roundabout should be as sudden as possible.
Holwell (n.)
The smug feeling experienced when someone extremely obnoxious sends the green crystals shooting right past the yellow line on a breath test kit.
Hormead (n.)
An even smugger feeling when you first see the reading on the Lion Intoximeter is well in excess of 40.
Ikleford (n.)
The embarrassment felt, usually by probationers, on answering a radio call by saying 'go ahead' into the VHF handset when the original call was in fact, on the personal radio. The opposite way round is also termed an ickleford.
Icknield (n.)
A driver who waves at you in a friendly manner as you pass in opposite directions. You haven't got the slightest idea who the hell he is.
Ippolitt (n.)
A person, usually of supervisory rank, who tells you what to do and then proceeds to tell you exactly how to do it. The same person will then, at appraisal time, criticise you for lack of initiative.
Kelshall (n.)
A piece of paperwork or file which, no matter how much attention to detail you put in, always seems to return for more work to be done on it. Some officers rarely receive a kelshall while others have them coming out of their ears.
Langley (n.)
A female officer who blankly refuses to do anything which involves her feet leaving the ground; such as climbing over fences or in windows etc. This is due to the slightest possibility that a male colleague may be able to see whether or not she is wearing stockings.
Lemsford (n., vb.)
To respond to a police officer in a totally stunned and amazed fashion after he has caught you speeding. Examples of lemsfording range from 'Really?', 'Are you sure?', 'I most certainly was not' and 'But I always travel within the speed limits officer' to 'I want your name and number'. The noun lemsford applies to the actual word or phrase; hence, ' I caught this geezer doing 115 in a 30 and he came out with this cracking lemsford'.
Letchworth (n. medical)
The warm glow that overcomes one when seeing for the first time the compensation cheque from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board. Subsequent letchworths may also be experienced with each new look at the cheque.
Letty (n. medical)
That sick feeling when you reach down for your baton in a particularly nasty fight and realise that it is still propping open the greenhouse window.
Marston (n.)
The excuse given to a loved one for being in the bar when one should have been home hours ago. Really convincing marstons are often used by many people more than once.
Marsworth (n., vb.)
An act of attempted mental telepathy which you try across a courtroom in an effort to make the CPS solicitor ask the right questions of the defendant.
Meesden (n.)
Someone who can find amusement in any situation. Unfortunately they do not have the sense or social grace to know in which situation it is appropriate.
Mimms (n.)
The special velcro put on police reflective jackets which never enables it to be done up.
Mimram (n.)
The opposite of a langley (q.v.); much loved by all policemen.
Munden (n.)
A vehicle left totally abandoned so as to cause the maximum amount of danger and obstruction whilst the driver jumps out and walks across to a nearby police car to ask directions. A munden is compounded when the driver asks directions to the road in which he already is.
Nettledon (n.)
A pair of trousers that, no matter how soon after being dry cleaned, are worn in a style which always manages to make the wearer look like refugees from an Oxfam clearout. Some officers have a particular propensity to end up with nettledons.
Newnham (n.)
The annual period of money saving after realisation that the annual budget is rapidly running out. (The newnham usually starts seven months before the start of the next financial year). It occurs without fail and is usually recognised by the restriction of available overtime. (q.v. gilston)
Northaw (n.)
Someone without the slightest regard for any traffic law; but when someone parks across their drive they demand immediate action.
Norton (n. medical)
A biological term describing the reddening of the face, tightening of the neck muscles and whitening of the knuckles experienced on seeing a motorist pull out of a cul-de-sac into your path whilst you are doing 90 miles per hour with the blue lights and sirens switched on. (q.v. hastoe)
Nuthampstead (n.)
A person who, despite repeatedly stating he knows there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, insists on reporting it anyway.
Offley (n.)
The expletive, usually four letter, screamed out at another motorist while you are being overcome by a norton (q.v.)
Oxhey (n.)
A comment you wish you'd thought of earlier instead of when the opportunity to deliver the crushing oxhey has long since passed.
Pirton (n.)
The one newspaper boy or postman you see per year who actually has working lights displayed on his bicycle.
Preston (n. medical)
The let-down feeling when opening the pay-slip to find that the realisation of earnings hasn't met up with the expectations.
Puttenham (n.)
Someone who tells you to do something and when the shit hits the fan shows his backing and support for the troops by completely and categorically denying any knowledge of it.
Puckeridge (n.)
An ancient custom which demonstrates that the prettier the driver, the less likely she is to get prosecuted. Traffic officers rarely distribute puckeridge
Radlett (pl. n.)
The black marks along the bottom uniform shirt pockets caused by the continual use of cheap biros.
Radwell (n.)
The amazed look on a police officer's face when, despite a worse than useless presentation of the evidence by CPS, the magistrates still find someone guilty.
Redbourne (n.)
Someone who turns the speed restriction signs round causing drivers entering a busy street to accelerate up to 70 miles per hour because they think they have just entered a de-restricted zone. Such drivers are often found to be complete caldecotes (q.v.)
Roestock (n.)
A drugs raid in which everyone taking part, except the officer who actually planned the raid, knows that the only suspicious substances that will end up getting seized will be two oxo cubes and a suppository.
Royston (n.)
Someone who is out every night stealing car radios and then has the cheek to report it when his car gets broken into.
Rushden (n.)
A statement taken exclusively from a woman alleging assault on her by her husband. The difference between a rushden and a normal statement is that the officer taking the rushden knows full well that he will have to take a woodhall (q.v.) before the court date.
Sacombe (n.)
A conversation, usually between an officer of some service and a probationer, which starts 'Of course, in my day ...'
Sarratt (vb.)
Sarratting is a particular form of bullshitting; the participant tries to convince a police officer that the injuries inflicted on him so obviously with a fist, broken bottle, or knife, were caused by falling down some stairs or walking into a door.
Sawbridgeworth (n.)
The process by which your performance over the past year is appraised by someone who wouldn't know who the hell you were if you jumped out of their porridge.
Scratchwood (n.)
That guilty feeling experienced when being followed by a police vehicle.
Shenley (n.)
The sudden embarrassment of discovering, whilst on foot patrol, that the real reason everyone is smiling at you is that you are wearing your helmet back to front.
Sleaps-Hyde (n.)
A sense of urgency with which you decide to leave a house with a rotweiller hanging on to the backside of your uniform trousers.
Standon (n.)
The period of time taken for you to be given a decision. The standon may be further elongated the higher up the rank structure you go and is often in inverse proportion to the time it took you to make the same decision in the first place.
Stansted (n.)
A driver, usually female, who doesn't know how to change a wheel and gets a policeman to do it.
Stanstead Abbotts (n.)
A police officer who wants absolutely no part in listening to or repeating gossip. NB. Very rare.
Stocking Pelham (n.)
The excited yet secretive chatter encountered between groups of policemen when discussing whether so and so is wearing tights or stockings. The stocking pelham can be all the more intense when one of the group actually has evidence of the latter.
Stortford (n.)
A female driver who does know how to change a wheel but still gets a policeman to do it. A male equivalent is rare since the policeman will almost always tell him to do it himself
Tewin (n.)
The type of look given by someone on CID to a uniformed officer who has asked for a favour.
Therfield (n.)
The forced chuckle you give in reply to someone meeting you socially for the first time and finding out your occupation. After they bend at the knees and say 'Ev'nin' all' they then laugh out loud as if they weren't the 6,715th person ever to greet you that way.
Throcking (vb.)
The act of questioning a colleague about tax codes, overtime payments, and superannuation, in the hope of getting a look at his payslip to see how much he earned compared to you.
Thundridge (n., vb.)
A mysterious phenomenon whereby perfectly functioning keep-left bollards, which on first passing will be in order, will on a second visit be damaged, pushed over, or completely missing. This can be minutes or even seconds after seeing they were okay. No-one knows why they are damaged, where they went, or who did it.
Tonwell (n.)
A phrase used by CID officers. These include 'spin his drum', back at the factory', bring some uniform along' and 'get his suit down here'.
Ver (vb.)
To park in such a manner that two spaces instead of one are taken up, thus denying valuable parking space to other road users. It is usually impossible to take up three separate spaces, however, someone really skilled in verring may be successful.
Walden (n.)
A job created at headquarters for other headquarters staff. It is of no apparent use or importance to anyone; similar to a 'job for the boys' but a lot less of a mouthful.
Wallington (n.)
Someone who applies for a post at headquarters in the belief that being seen every day by the right people will increase their chances of promotion.
Watton (n.)
Someone practiced in the art of thundridging (q.v.); also, usually, a skilled rabley (q.v.)
Welham (n.)
No matter how many times you re-read and check a piece of paperwork, you will always fail to spot a blank space, or welham, where something should have been filled in. Usually, but not exclusively, done by probationers.
Westmill (n.)
Someone who promotes a wallington (q.v.)
Weston (n.)
A pair of boots which, despite the protestation of the wearer that they were only polished that morning, look like Chris Bonnington just descended Everest on a wet day in them.
Whempstead (n.)
The area in every town in which taxi radios, C.Bs, mobile phones, telecom bleepers and kiddies walkie-talkies operate, but in which every police radio consistently fails to work.
Whitwell (n.)
The embarrassed silence from the witness box when asked a particularly crucial question. You know it will have been asked of your colleague in the box before you. The silence helps you to think of an answer that he might have given in the hope that both will be the same.
Widford (n.)
A place to fall asleep on nights, e.g. Multi-storey car park, layby in the woods, or garage forecourt. Less embarrassment is caused if you succeed in waking up before the garage opens.
Wiggington (n.)
Someone who refuses to do enforced overtime but who is first in the queue for bank holiday working.
Willian (n.)
Someone who applies for a post as far away from headquarters as possible in the hope that not being seen every day by the right people will lead to a quiet life.
Woodhall (n.)
A technical term for the statement, exclusively made by a woman, which withdraws a complaint of assault on her by her boyfriend or husband (in some cases both); as in ' Can you take a quick woodhall from the lady at the desk'. A true woodhall can only be taken after a rushden (.qv.) has been obtained; the woman should have sworn blind that she would support a prosecution and would never try to withdraw it at a later date.
Woolmer (n.)
The name given to a policeman who, when attending a report of a disturbance at a Pizza Hut kiddies party, always seem to end up getting assaulted.
Wych (n. medical)
That sinking feeling when, on arrival at court, you realise the solicitor prosecuting your case is the same one who lost your last case; and that was on a guilty plea!
Wyddial (n.)
A feeling when, whilst on foot patrol and having checked around to make sure you are alone, you let out a rip-roaring fart only to realise that two middle-aged ladies are walking directly behind you.