Things To Do If You Are Bored
Abuse your patio furniture, again tell your dad the dog did it, annoy yourself, apologize to it, apply for a Unicorn Hunting License, argue with fundamentalists, ask stupid questions, avoid a sale that's too good to miss, balance a watermelon on your head, be a side effect, be a square root, be cherubic, be in the wrong place at the right time, be number six, be someone special, beg, belch, birdwatching, boil ice cream, boldly go where no man has gone before, bonsai grass, bonsai your neighbor's kids or pets, borrow pencils, braid your dog's hair, break other peoples things when they aren't looking, buff your cat, build a pyramid, butter someone up, buy Nelson's Column, call strangers and ask for advice, call strangers and give advice, calmly have a nervous breakdown, can some music, carry a lantern through the city searching for an honest man, carry a tune, carve your girl/boyfriends initials in a marshmallow, catch a falling star, cause a power failure, challenge the neighbor kid to duel, change a light bulb, change your mind, change your name...daily, chew every bite of food 100 times, clean and polish your belly button, climb a pavement, collect belly button lint, collect bibles from nuts, collect dust, collect sump nuts from cars, complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do, confess to a crime that you didn't commit, contemplate a cockroach, contribute to the population problem, converse with a flatworm, count all the sheets of toilet paper in a new roll to see if you got your money's worth, count all the words in the newspaper, count ants, count the cornflakes in a box, count to a million fast, crack your knuckles to music, crawl, crumble, crumple, cut the deck, debate politics with a fern, defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes, develop a complex, dial 999 and then breath heavily, dial-a-Prayer and argue with it, dig up your roots, do a good job, do a taste comparison on insects, do aerobics in your head, don't toss and turn, donate organs, donate your brother's body to science, draw on the window with grape jelly, dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group and surprise your grandmother, drive the speed your garage, drool, drop everything, drop something to see if it breaks, drop your cat from a high place to see if it really does land on all four feet and repeat the procedure until failure, duck, dust a tree, eat grass, eat only chocolate-colored foods for a week, exercise a ghost, exorcise a ghost, exist...existentially of course, factor your social security number, fill your jean pockets with hamster treats and drop your pet hamster down in there, find a witch, find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat, find out where all these cylinders graduated from, find the heat capacity of your chemistry lecturer, find yourself, finger paint with your toes, flash your goldfish, flirt with an evergreen, fly a brick, fold marshmellows, form a political party, found a cockroach stable and stud farm, freeze dry pets, get a dog to chase your car, get angry with yourself, get lost, giggle, give a lecture tour on the historical significance of cream cheese, give a Rorschach (ink blot) test to your gerbil, give your cat a mohawk, give your cat a the microwave, give your goldfish a perm, give your grandmother a raise and another week paid vacation, go back to square one, go bowling for small game, go for a walk in the attic, go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people, go to a funeral and tell rude jokes, hard boil all the eggs, have a proton fight, have your car painted plaid, have your cat bronzed, have your first statement of bankruptcy framed, hit the deck, hop to class or work on one foot, hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes, imagine there's no heaven, interview a cloud, ionize your new chemistry lecturer (remember you took the heat capacity of the first one), jump back, keep track of an ant for the entire afternoon, kick a cabbage, kickstart your TV, kickstop your TV, kiss and make up, knight yourself and some close friends, learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire, learn Greek, learn to read Sanskrit, learn to type with your toes, learn to write Sanskrit, lie to yourself, listen for Satanic messages, listen to a painting, look for ticks on the living room carpet, look forward to something, look in all the gratings for coins, loosen the wheel nuts on your dad's new car, make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed, make a drive in window at your local bank, make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins, make a schematic drawing of a rock, make rude noises with your armpits, measure all the toothpaste in the tubes of two competing brands, mow your carpet, mow your lawn with a Hoover, mug a give way sign, organize a Twister or limbo stick game at the office, paint a smile, paint faces on your fingernails and talk to them, paint stripes on a lake, paint your home day-glo orange, paint your teeth, paint your windows, paint, park your car with a friend, park your car with a group of friends, pay a bill with pennies, pay off the national debt with a bad cheque, perfect the internal combustion telephone, pinstripe your drive, place your cat in hyper-space, plant a shoe, play an instrument you've never seen before, play cards in your swimming pool, play dead, play dead in swimming pools, play hockey with your little cousin as the puck, play Houdini with one of your siblings, play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation, play solitaire for cash, play tag on the nearest motorway, play tiddly-winks...go for blood, play to lose, play with matches, play with your food, plot the overthrow of your local school governors, pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed, pretend to be an alien, pretend to be drunk or stoned, prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon, prove your own existence, purr, put legwarmers on all your furniture, put lighted Exit signs on all your closets, put out a fire, quiver, race turnips, raise professional racing ferrets, rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings), read every book in your local library, read Homer in the original Greek, read the entire phone book and check who in your area has a last name beginning with either "Aaaaa..." or "Zzzzz...", read the financial section of the newspaper to your plants, rearrange all the produce at the salad bar, rearrange political campaign signs, recite romantic poetry to your toaster, redecorate your garage, refuse to talk for three days, regress, revert, ride a loaf of bread, roll over, rotate your garden daily, run around in squares, run for Pope, sacrifice animals, sand a mushroom, scheme, search for buried treasure in Rutland, see how long you can hold your breath, see how many teaspoons of water your bath holds, see if you really can build a small nuclear device in your loft, send your goldfish to obedience school, set your hair on fire, shadow box with yourself until you win, sharpen your sleeping skills, sharpen your teeth, shave a shrub, shave your neighbor's children or pets, skydive to church, sleep on a bed of nails, smile, solve the population problem (i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x), speak in acronyms, speak nothing but three-letter words for a day, speak with a forked tongue, stand in front of a mirror and count your hair, stand on someone else's head, stand on the weight scale until you lose five pounds, stand on your head, staple, starch your shoes, start a cult, start an argument, steal hubcaps and put them on other cars, sterilize your stereo, stop speaking to yourself, subscribe people to magazines, sweat, take a picture, take apart all your major kitchen appliances, take your sofa for a walk, talk to homeless people, talk to yourself, taste household products and record toxicity, tell knock-knock jokes, test gravity, test thermodynamics, test thin ice with a pogo stick, think shallow thoughts, throw a political party, throw a tantrum, throw an armadillo, tickle a friend, tickle a policeman, tickle yourself, tie-dye a cat, translate Shakespeare into English, tree a goldfish, try homo/hetero-sexuality, turn your TV picture tube upside down, twitch, upholster a table, walk on water but DON'T get caught, walk under falling pianos, walk under ladders, wallpaper your bedroom with junk mail, wash a tree, watch a car rust, watch milk turn to yogurt, watch paint dry, watch the grass grow, watch the sun to see if it moves, water your dog to see if he grows, watch your toenails grow, wax the ceiling, wear a salad, wear your clothes inside out, whine, wonder, wriggle, write a book about a previous life, write a letter addressed to "Occupant" to every address your street, write a song for a push-button phone, write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st, yodel on the bus.