Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Condense soup, not books!
I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed...
Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light!
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Draft beer, not people.
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.
Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Half moon tonight. At least it's better than no moon at all.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension. -- in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways"
Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman...
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else.
Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.
Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
Read my new syntax. (nil)
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs."
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power, Arthur, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this program.
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know, only more so.
Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired."
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
Hindsight is an exact science.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
One planet is all you get.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better get used to it.
Be different: Conform.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50 it will.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Acid: Better living through chemistry.
There's no future in time travel.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
Paul's law: You can't fall off the floor.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn't enough.
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know you meant sloth.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
Walt Disney is not dead. He's in suspended animation.
What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
I haven't lost my mind; I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!
If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?
I've truncated, and I can't round up!
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet...
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
355/113: Not the famous irrational number Pi, but an incredible simulation!
Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"? A: The way it sounds.
The misanthrope's catastrophic apostrophe landed in the cantaloupe near the antelope's interloper.
If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
Seen on Pavlov's door: "Knock. Don't ring bell."
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger's Cat.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.
The speed of time is one second per second.
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Exercise - write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery......... "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?"
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
There was a young lady of Crewe whose limericks stopped at line two.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.
Knock Knock. Who's There? Recursion. Recursion who? Knock Knock...
In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it's exactly the opposite.
Wisdom is like an open oven: The food is gone, but the heat remains.
Cold hands, warm feet.
Bend a carrot if you will, but a turnip will never bend.
Neither a panhandler nor a Laplander be.
Do not remove a fly from a friend's forehead with a chopstick.
Elephants never forget, but you seldom see a kangaroo with a zipper.
A dog may bark, but his legs will never grow longer.
A thrifty housewife always peels potatoes twice.
Even the most wrinkled prune has a pit.
Look not to the windmill's turning while the ant still burrows.