From Genesis - Chapter 3, verse 9, and following
  1. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
  2. And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, and I hid myself among the trees of the garden, because I was naked; and I was in fear lest thou shouldst ask of me whether I had eaten of the Tree of Knowledge.
  3. And the Lord God spake unto him, saying; Never mind eating of the Tree of Knowledge, thou hast walked on the Grass of Knowledge for a start.
  4. And the man said, I thought it was alright to walk upon the Grass of Knowledge - I did not know that was any big deal.
  5. Whereat the Lord God waxed exceeding wroth, crying; There are signs up everywhere. As to thy being naked, thou art not naked at all - the Lord thy God hath eyes in his head. Thou and the woman that I made for thee have picked leaves to be a covering what dost thou think thou art playing at, picking at things? It`ll be the daffs next.
  6. And the man replied in thus wise, saying, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she hath done this. I was happy in my nakedness, it was not draughty, but the woman insisted, and I plucked of the tree two leaves, contrary to sub-section eight of the bye-laws, paragraph fourteen.
  7. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, the serpent beguiled me, saying it would be fashionable, a smart leaf.
  8. And the Lord God grew great in his anger, crying, It will be riding bloody bicycles on the foot-path next, it will be failing to put sweet wrappers in the receptacles provided. And he turned then to the man, saying, Hast thou a licence for this snake?
  9. And the man fell upon his knees in that place, shouting, It hath no legs, it doth not bark, it is not a dog, wherefore is it that I should have a licence?
  10. But the Lord God would not be assuaged, saying, I know it is not a dog - I the Lord God hath made it. It is not an elephant or a plaice either, and do not get clever with me. The fact is that it is a dangerous animal within the meaning of the Act - they can kill you, snakes, I speak as one that knoweth, and as such they require a licence, obtainable at any Post Office that I have made.
  11. and the man hung his head, saying, I did not realise.
  12. But the Lord God exculpated him not, saying, Ignorance of the law is no excuse. It is not even on a lead it could foul the footpath, and they are no joke, snake droppings. this is the Garden of Eden, not an adventure playground.
  13. Therefore the Lord God sent them forth from the Garden of Eden, and he placed at the east of the Garden of Eden Cherubims, in caps and armbands, and a flaming signboard with all the bye-laws writ large upon it, to keep the way of the Tree of Life.

Chapter 4

  1. And Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived, and bore Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord.
  2. Whereat the Lord God spake unto them, saying, I trust that thou hast registered this child, and that thou hast registered him once only - I do not want any Maternity Grant fiddles, I do not want him coming back when he is unemployed claiming two lots of Social Security. I give thee fair warning - that could well be a matter for thunderbolts.
  3. And she again conceived, and bore his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And it came to pass that in the course of time Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord.
  4. But the Lord God was greatly dipleased in that place where He was, saying, Call that a tomato? It is more like a red pea - hast thou no thought for the Weights and Measures Act that I have given thee, dost thou turn thy back on my Office of Fair Trading? What is it thou art trying to put over on the unfortunate public?
  5. And Cain replied in thus wise, saying, Public - what public? There is only I and thou in this place where we are, unfortunate or otherwise.
  6. And the Lord God gathered up the clouds and spake unto him in thunder, crying, Do not take that tone with me, I am the Lord thy legally constituted Local Authority, and a thing is not a tomato unless I say it is a tomato.
  7. And Cain went away in anger from that place, saying, It tasted alright - what difference doth it make if it was a bit undersized? How can you make a living if you don`t bend the rules a bit? And lo, he came upon his brother Abel in a field, and Abel had with him where he was a sheep that had found favour with the Lord in that it complied with all the Regulations concerning weight, quality, vaccination, smell, and all the rest. And Abel said unto his brother Cain, How didst thou get on with that titchy little tomato?
  8. And Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and slew him.
  9. And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel, thy brother? And Cain replied, I know not - am I my brother`s keeper?
  10. And the Lord replied in thus wise, saying, Thou art his next-of-kin, and it is therefore thy legal obligation to report his demise to the Authorities, especially in view of the fact that it is thou that hast demised him.
  11. And Cain said, he got up my nose.
  12. And the Lord God replied, saying, That is no excuse for failing to report his death. Coming on top of thy dreadful infringement of the Tomato Regulations, this is too much. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, reminding him of the serious penalties involved should he receive two further marks in a period of three years, under the totting-up procedure.
  13. And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
  14. And Cain knew his wife, and she conceived, and bore Enoch. And Cain builded a city, and named it after the name of his son, Enoch.
  15. And the Lord God waxed furious, crying, Didst thou get planning permission for a city? Look at it - it hath no proper drains, it hath high-rise blocks stuck up all over the place, it hath not a proper road from one end to the other, it is an eyesore and an affront.
  16. And Cain answered the Lord in some heat, crying, This is not Green Belt, this is bloody Nod - it is thou that hast stuckest me in this place where I am to be a developer, on account of not being able to follow my chosen profession, to whit tiller of ground. How am I to make an honest bob - all right, fairly honest?
  17. But the Lord would not countenance his appeal, and knocked the city down, that it be a lesson and a guide to all men.
  18. And Enoch - the son, not the city - begat Irad, and Irad begat Mehujael, and Mehujael begat Methusael, and Methusael begat Lamech.
  19. And Lamech took unto him two wives - the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the second was Zillah.
  20. And the Lord God waxed really spare this time, what with the multiplicity of spouses and the serious begetting explosion, for the infringements were beyond number, and the Lord was up to here with paperwork. And of the myriad thousands that now teemed the Earth, the majority did not make full and complete tax returns, nor did they return home from work without paperclips and rubbers that they had taken, saying, Who is it that will notice? Also they lived together in Council accomodation when they were not legally married, and they did not observe the yellow lines that the Lord their God had made for them, nay, not even the double yellow lines. And they smoked in those places where there were signs clearly exhorting them not to do so, and built on room-extensions in cedar-wood and sandal-wood without informing the Ratings Authority ... and they sang in those places that did not have a license for singing.

Chapter 5

  1. And God saw that the wickedness of men was great in the Earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil, continually.
  2. And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the Earth, for it repenteth me that I have made them. They cannot be left alone for a minute - I am losing a thousand gas-meters a day, never mind forged Cup Final tickets.
  3. But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord.
  4. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me, and behold, I will destroy them with the face of the Earth. Make thee an ark of gopher-wood. And this is the fashion that thou shalt make it of - the length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, and the height of it shall be thirty cubits.
  5. Thus Noah and his sons fashioned them an ark, and it was done.
  6. But when the Lord God looked upen where it was, he waxed practically out of his mind, crying, Is that the gopher wood that I commanded thee?
  7. And Noah replied in thus wise, saying, Not exactly, it`s more your actual chipboard. I was very lucky - it fell off the back of a cart, also no VAT, nudge nudge, catch my drift?
  8. And God caught his drift, saying, Nor is it the three hundred cubits in length that I bespoke unto thee.
  9. And Noah replied unto him, saying, Right, right, there are no flies on thee, O Lord. It is about, what, two hundred cubits, give or take, it was a pretty small cart if thou knowest what I mean - it looks like pretty bad news for the dinosaurs and the unicorns, one way and another.
  10. And the Lord God retreated into the cloud, and wept. And the tears became rain.