The Trailing Edge Catalog: Products You CAN Live Without
- Electric Shocking Pager - Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful reminders strapped to their bodies. This unbreakable device delivers a painful electric shock to notify them of pending appointments and approaching deadlines. Not legal for use on livestock.
- The Magical Mystery Mixture - An enchanting assortment of broken glass, dead beetles, and soiled, bloody medical waste. Available in 5, 20, or 100 pound bags, or choose the two-ton economy pack, dumped directly in your living room free of charge.
- Drink the Spittoon - The juicy new game for kids! If you get a Hawker, Loogie, or Gob Card, it's time to ante up, with the electronic scoring spittoon judging your range and accuracy. But draw the dreaded Purple Lunger Card and it's time to Drink the Spittoon! Now available: Adventures in Excretia Expander Pack, for adults only.
- The Game of Life, California Edition - The whole family will enjoy golden times in the Golden State with this fast-paced new boardgame. Starting out as a Laid-off Defense Worker, Crack-addicted Runaway, Young Vice Lord, or Impoverished Migrant Worker, can you achieve riches on the Gridlocked Freeway of Success? Collect points by landing on Senseless Litigation, Check Kiting, and Insurance Fraud squares. Draw a Red Card and roll the dice to order a Driveby Shooting, or draw a Green Card to avoid the Deportation Square. But don't draw Earthquake, Flood, or Fire cards, and watch out for the Fault Zone!
- Dead Rat in an Old Buick Hubcap - Pretty much self explanatory. A great alternative to pot-pourri. Color may vary.
- Shrieking Sonic Mind Mangler - Put on this sleek "virtual reality" helmet and you're guaranteed a splitting headache in under a minute! Blinding strobe lights and screeching stereophonic sirens will overwhelm your senses in a cacaphony of stimuli. Requires ten "D" cell batteries, not included.
- Acme Artificial Mucous - Just like the real thing! Now in the two-liter Economy Jug, with the new EZ-Pour spout.
- Stress Enhancement Tapes - Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with the sound of ocean waves and forest breezes; pop these jarring cassettes in your WalkPerson and keep your edge! Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley cars, jackhammers, and low-flying jets assaults your ears on the Urban Rhythms tape. Thrill to the natural sounds of hyenas in their death-agony and screeching howler monkeys defending their territory on Shrieks of Nature! Forty-seven tapes in all.
- Ticking Bomb - Where'd it come from? Is it real? Should I open it? These mysteries and more are yours to unravel when you order this ominous-looking device. Makes a great gift.
- Dr. Dullard's Cough Syrup - The only cough syrup designed to make you cough *more*! You'll be rasping, wheezing, and convulsively hacking up bits of lung scant moments after consuming the Doctor's potent mixture.
- Young Investigator Kits - Now your children can explore the wonders of nature with these exciting Activity Kits:
Mutation Exploration - Discover the Miracle of Life as you trace the development of small creatures exposed to the Big Lump O' Cesium. Lead shielding not included.
Scorpion Hatchery - Leave the eggs in a cool, dry place such as a coat closet or dresser, and experience the thrill as dozens of young hatch in the coming weeks.
Giga Glue - Mix the chemicals in a well ventilated area to produce a pungent mixture that will permanently adhere to virtually any form of solid matter.
Electric Tower of Power - An exciting new kit that lets you turn any high tension wire tower into a glowing, spark-shooting Tower of Power! May disrupt television reception in surrounding counties.
- Little Tykes Musical Maelstrom - Everything a budding young musician needs for a really BIG sound! Includes a trumpet, a slide trombone, a ten-piece drum kit, blasting caps, an air-raid siren, and a 500 watt amplifier! Act now and receive a free ten-pound bag of raw sugar that'll give them the energy to play on through the night. The perfect gift for children of parents you hate.
- The Enchanted Chalkboard - Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite tunes on this four album collection. Every hair on your body will stand on end during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River. Be moved to tears by his masterful two-handed interpretation of Chariots of Fire. Perfect for the office!
- Staring Escort Service - Receive total attention from our Staring Escorts! Trained members of our staff will follow your every move closely for days on end, silently fixing you with a piercing, unwavering stare through all your activities. There's no need to feel ignored with Staring Escorts on call! Surprise that special someone now.
- Anything's Possible! - Why let your children be unnecessarily constrained by boring old facts? Expand their horizons and give them lots to think about with these dynamic new educational videos. Maybe two plus two is negative seventy-three. Maybe George Washington fought Eskimo raiders in the Franco-Prussian War of 1066. Maybe ice melts because of sunspots and evil spirits. Or maybe not. After all, Anything's Possible in this exciting series that will profoundly influence your child's educational progress for years to come.
- Home Biscuit Baker - Just mix the twenty-three special ingredients in the precise order, kneed vigorously for a few hours, pop the dough in the Biscuit Baker, let sit in a dark, sound-proof room in a seismically stable region for a few weeks, and Presto! Your homemade biscuit is ready. It's that easy! Not safe for children under 18. Not intended for actual human consumption.
- Own Your Very Own Soviet Oil Refinery! - We've made a Special Deal, and for a limited time only you can live the dream of owning your very own Authentic Soviet Oil Refinery, for a lot less than you might expect! Constructed in the romantic years of the 1950-1955 Five Year Economic Plan, these plants have been painstakingly disassembled with powerful explosives for easy transport. Won't the neighbors be green with envy when three hundred semi trailers arrive with the pieces of *your* refinery! Its rusted, blackened shards of towering scrap metal will be the talk of the town. May violate zoning ordinances in some areas. Extensive assembly required.
- FlossTracker - How many times has this happened to you: you've just gorged yourself on roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're completely out of dental floss! Well, you'll never be without floss again with FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare. Record your hourly flossing activity in the FlossTracker Spreadsheet Module to generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss consumption, complete with three-dimensional distribution plots and histograms. FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss inventory, projecting your floss needs for the coming weeks and automatically ordering additional floss as necessary from the nearest FlossWare Regional Distribution Center. You can calculate optimal floss lengths for your personalized dental profile, and even add flavor with the optional Mint Module. FlossTracker requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of storage space, a Novell file server, an atomic clock, a Romulan cloaking device, and Windows 95.