LAWS (various)
Achilles' Biological Findings
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first-the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
Adam's Law
Women don't know what they want; they don't like what they have got. Men know very well what they want; having got it, they begin to lose interest.
Adler's Distinction
Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.
Advertising Rule
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.
Air Force Inertia Axiom
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
Alden's Laws
Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.
Always be backlit.
Sit down whenever possible.
Andrea's Admonition
Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Armstrong's Collection Law
If the check is truly in the mail, it is surely made out to someone else.
Bagdikian's Observation
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb
The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience
When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
When you finally buy pretty stationary to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture
Houses are for people to live in.
Gardens are for plants to live in.
There is no such thing as a house plant.
Bierman's Laws of Contracts
In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation
The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blutarsky's Axiom
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
Boucher's Observation
He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brogan's Constant
People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus.
Brooks' Philosophy
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Bunker's Admonition
You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
Bureau Termination, Law of
When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
Carson's Observation on Footwear
If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Chism's Law of Completion
The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cohen's Law
There is no bottom to worse.
Computer Programming, Laws of
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Confusious' Religious Thoughts
Jesus saves, Moses invests, But only Buddha pays dividends.
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability
If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.
Crinklaw's Observation
Nowadays the order of life is reversed
Sex is first enjoyed, marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
Davis' Law of Traffic Density
The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
Dill's Law
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Drakenberg's Discovery
If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
Einstein's Formula for Success
If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y plus Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.
Einstein's Proposal
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are not certain, they do not refer to reality.
Engineer's Education
Everything that mechanical engineers need to know
F = ma.
You can't push a rope.
Water doesn't go up a hill by itself.
Gabor's Belief
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
Garfield's Golden Rule
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be enough kittens.
Gibbon's Discovery
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of Granola; what ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
Gilbert's Discovery
Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
Glyme's Formula
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Gomme's Laws
A backscratcher will always find new itches.
Time accelerates.
The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries
When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
Haig's Lesson
Think twice before speaking, but don't say, think think, click click.
Hale Mail Rule, The
When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following
A pen or pencil or typewriter. Stationery. Postage stamp. The letter you are answering.
Hall's Laws of Politics
The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.
Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
Hanson's Treatment of Time
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
Harriet's Dining Observation
In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
Hawkeye's Conclusion
It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.
Hempstone's Question
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Hewett's Observation
The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged.
Hitchcock's Staple Principle
The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.
Hoffer's Discovery
The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
Immutability, Three Rules of
If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
If a teenager can go out, he will.
Jacob's Law
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
Jim Nasium's Law
In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to each other so that everybody is cramped.
Kennedy's Market Thereom
Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've got to go broke.
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness
Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
Kington's Law of Perforation
If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest part of the paper.
Kirkpatrick's Second Law of International Relations
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Kliban's First Law of Dining
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Knapp's Law's
It will be finished when it's done.
After lunch.
It's in the manual.
Let's put that pig up on the screen.
Kneivel's Law of Physic's
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lewis's Law of Travel
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
Magary's Principle
When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
Martin's First Law of Dentistry
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance
When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest.
Miller's Slogan
Lose a few, lose a few.
Mintel's Observation
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a complete unambiguous geometric representation is worth a thousand pictures.
Miorelli's Law of Life
He who dies with the most toys wins.
Miorelli's Pondering
Why do people drive on parkways and park in driveways?
Mix's Law
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
Mom's Law
When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
Mondale's Law of Politics
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
Murphy's Discovery
Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months you're in trouble!
Murphy's First Set of Technological Laws
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All's well that ends.
Murphy's Second Set of Technological Laws
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
Murphy's Third Set of Technological Laws
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is saidthan done.
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Murphy's Fourth Set of Technological Laws
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Murray's Rule
Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
Nadar's Belief
Pro is to con as progress is to congress.
Newlan's Truism
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Newman's Discovery
Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
Nixon's Realization
God gives us our relatives, thank goodness we can choose our friends.
Nusbaum's Rule
The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
O'Coin's Laws
The umbrella at home in your closet causes it to rain.
The prettiest girl in the bar will be a lesbian.
The more you care for a plant, the faster it will die.
The neighbor you hate most will live to be 120.
All songs you like are now considered oldies.
Any attempt to eat lunch on the beach will result in swallowing at least 1000 grains of sand.
Ozman's Laws
If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
Parker's Observation
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
Pecor's Health-Food Principle
Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
People's Action Rules
Some people who can, shouldn't.
Some people who should, won't.
Some people who shouldn't, will.
Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
Peterson's Rules
Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.
No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
Things that tick are not always clocks.
Suicide only works when you are bluffing.
Pickle's Law
If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
Pollyanna's Educational Constant
The hyperactive child is never absent.
Poorman's Rule
When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
Pryor's Observation
How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead.
Putt's Law of Technology
Technology is dominated by two types of people
those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
Quigley's Law
Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Renning's Maxim
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
Richover's Reasoning
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
Ritchie's Rule
Everything has some value-if you use the right currency.
Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
Search and ye shall find-but make sure it was lost.
Rudd's Discovery
You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can stay in Washington and make it there.
Sagan's Law of the Universe
Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.
Savage's Law of Expediency
You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine
Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
Slous' Contention
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
Spence's Admonition
Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
Steele's Philosophy
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
Telesco's Law of Nursing
There are two kinds of adhesive tape, the kind that won't go on and the kind that won't come off.
Tomlin's Tease
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life
If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
Twain's Observation
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Udall's Fourth Law
Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like.
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
Uncle Sam's Invitation
Join the Navy, see the world. Travel to exotic lands, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Walters' Rule
All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from the center of the terminal.
Nobody ever had a reservation on a plane that left Gate 1.
Weed's Axiom
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one in which you are least interested and say nothing about the other.
Wisdom from the Net
Too much of a good thing, is just fine.
Woody's Advice
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Yeager's Admonition
There are two kinds of aircraft - fighters and targets.
Zisla's Law
If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.