The Not So Correct Dictionary
AARDVARKStrenuous labor
ABASHA great party
ACOUSTICInstrument used in billards.
ACTORSomeone who tries to be everything but himself.
ACURAAll Cars Usually Require Adjustment
 Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents
 Any Child Understands Real Automobiles
 Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents
 Awful, Crappy, Unreliable, Rusty Automobile
ACUTEThe Opposite of an ugly.
ADVILn. device used to hammer things on.
ADVICEn. the smallest current coin.
AELUROPHOBIAfear of cats
AFTER-MATHn. The period following algebra.
AIBOHPHOBIAFear of palindromes.
AIDSv. looking for love in all the wrong places
ALARM CLOCKn. machine that scares the daylights into you.
 adj. something that makes people rise and whine.
ALIMONY'Bye now, pay later.
ALTERNATING CURRENTBi-sexual electrons.
AN UDDER FAILURECow that doesn't give milk.
ANARCHYSuch a good idea, it should be the law.
ANNOYINGTwo people who go right on talking when you're interrupting
ANTIQUE SHOPn. A place where sale items are very old and the prices are very modern.
ANXIETYNature's way of getting you up mornings.
APPARENTn. A large, old, bossy person who tortures youths.
ARCHAEOLOGISTn. person whose career lies in ruins.
ARTERYStudy of fine paintings
ASPIRINHaving great ambitions
ASTRONOMERn. a night watchman
ATHEISMA non-prophet organisation.
ATOMIC BOMBn. thing that makes molehills out of mountains.
AUDIAccelerates Under Demonic Influence
BABY PHILOSOPHYif it stinks, change it.
BACHELORn. One who never makes the same mistake once.
 n. One who's footloose and fiance free.
BACTERIAn. Lunchroom for chiropractors.
 n. rear portion of a cafeteria.
BAD DAYA day when everyone loves your drivers license photo.
BANKERS' HOURSThat part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
BARIUMWhat doctors do when treatment fails.
BARNEY (BAR-NEE)n. Well known purple mutant eggplant from Hell.
 A Smurf on steroids.
BARNEY & FRIENDSAn adult's virtual reality trip through Jurassic Park
BEETLEBattered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine
BIGAMYOne wife too many. Monogamy: same idea.
BLACK CLOTHESIdeal tool for removing cat hair from furniture.
BMWBabbling Mechanical Wench
 Bastard Money Wielders
 Beastly Monstrous Wonder
 Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
 Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
 Big Money Waster
 Big Money Works
 Blasphemized Motorized Wreck
 Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
 Born Moderately Wealthy.
 Break My Windows
 Broken Money Waster
 Broken Monstrous Wonder
 Brutal Money Waster
 Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
 Bring Money Withyou
BOASTINGPitter patter of little feats.
BOEINGThe sound a plane makes when it hits the ground
BOREOne who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.
BORG CABLE COsubscriber's wishes are irrelevent
BORG COLAThe choice of the Next Generation
BORG TRIVIAL PURSUITAsimilating irrelevant information
BORG TVOne Channel. Anything else is irrelevant.
BOW TIEBig Over Weight Tired Impotent Engines
BOY SCOUTS, THELike the army with adult supervision.
BUICKBig Ugly Import Car Killer
 Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
 Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean
BUREAUCATa kitty who sleeps on your undies.
CAFFEINEThe fifth food group
 Everything you could want in a drink
CAMAROCan't America Make A Real One?
CAPITALISMMan exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse.
CAT (kat')n. Dog with an attitude problem.
 n. animal that tastes JUST like chicken
 n. Fast, psychotoc animal bred for target practice.
 n. A dog with an attitude problem
CAT GAMEFit into the smallest space available.
CAT TOYn. Any object on the ground.
CATACLYSMBible study classes for cats.
CATACOMBn. used for brushing cat hair.
CATALAN OPENINGStarting a local area network for cats.
CATASTROPHEAn award for the cat with the nicest buns.
CATATONICn. Italian beverage most preferred by cats.
CATGUTn. My dog got fleas but my catgut kittens.
CATHOLICn. A cat with a drinking problem.
CATOLICn. a religiously clean Cat.
CATSGod's way of saying your furniture is too nice.
 Good for dusting high places.
 proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
 proof that not everything in nature has a function.
CATS' FAVORITE GAMEHah - made you look!
CATSCANhi-tech device for examining cats.
CATSKILL MOUNTAINSMountain range with dangerous cats.
 The land of dead mice.
CENSORISM** * ****** *********
CHEVORLETCrappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time
 Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
CHEVYCharged Heavily
 Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet
CHICKENThe egg's way of making more eggs.
CHILDISH GAMEOne at which you cannot beat your spouse.
CHOCOLATEThe other major food group.
CHRYSLERCar Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs
 Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's
CITROENCrap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters
CLINTON/GOREthe Beavis and Butthead of politics
COBOL n.Crude Outdated Boring Obsolete Language
COMMITTEE12 people doing the work of one.
 A life form with six or more legs and no brain.
 A group that keeps the minutes but wastes the hours.
COMPUTERMachine that makes very fast, very accurate mistakes
COMPUTER USERSn. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
 Users are divided into three subgroups:
NOVICE USERS:People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
INTERMEDIATE USERS:People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
EXPERT USERS:People who break other people's computers.
CONCLUSIONWhere somebody got tired of thinking.
CONGRESSPolitical Asylum
CONSCIENCEThe inner voice warning you that somebody is looking.
CONSCIOUSNESSThat annoying time between naps.
COURAGEn. Fear extinguisher.
CREDIT CARDA way to increase ones yearning.
CYNICSomeone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
DATABASEadj. More information than you'll ever need.
DATSUNDetroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips
DEATHNature's way of telling you to slow down.
DELICATEA dainty kitten who likes kosher.
DIMEA dollar after taxes.
DIPLOMACYThe art of letting somebody have your way.
DODGEDead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
 Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
 Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
DOGFoot Warmer
DOGMATISMPuppyism come to full growth.
DOORsomething a cat wants to be on the other side of.
EARTHMostly Harmless
EGOTISTSomeone who talks much and thinks little.
ELASTICOprah's pants
EXPERIENCEWhat you get when you don't get what you want.
EXPERIMENTOne-legged cats are easier to throw.
 Cats without legs never land on all fours.
FELINIOUS ASSAULTStriking someone with a cat.
FIATFailure In Automotive Technology
 Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
 Fix It Again Tony
 Fix It All the Time
FINETax for doing wrong. Tax: fine for doing fine.
FLASHLIGHTA device used to store dead batteries.
FOOTA device for finding furniture in the dark.
FORD(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
 First On Recall Day
 First On Race Day
 Fix Or Repair Daily
 Found On Road Dead
 Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
FREEFlying lessons for your cat, off the Sears Tower
G.T.I.Got Tossers Inside
GMGeneral Mistake
 Grungy Merchandise
GMCGarage Man's Companion
 Generally Mediocre Cars
 Got Mechanic Coming
 Got More Crap
GODThe only one who really knows what he is talking about
GOLFEROne who yells "fore!", takes five and writes down three.
GUIGrab the User In-the-face
HANGOVERThe wrath of grapes.
HEALTHThe slowest possible rate of dying.
HEAVYadj. Seduced by the chocolate side of the force
HOBBYGetting exhausted on your own time.
HONDAHand Over Dollars to Asians
 Helping Out Nips Destroying America
 Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
HOMEMOANERn. One who complains about property taxes
HUHPrimary word of the teenage language.
HUMANn. Useful domestic animal, popular with cats.
IBMA non-service profit organization
ILLINOISNot as boring as you think.
INSANITYA Primary method of survival.
IRAQPast tense of Iran
JAGUARJews And Germans Usually Argue Retail
JEEPJinxed Engine has Extra Parts
 Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole.
 Jumps Everything Ever Parked
 Junk Eletrical and Emissions Parts
 Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts
 Just Eat Every Pickle.
JOBA really, really, really, bad joke.
JOURNALISMLiterature in a hurry
KARAOKEA Japanese word meaning Tone Deaf American.
KITTY LITTERThrowing cats out a car window.
KITTY WELLSwhere cats go to drink
LAPTOPwhere my kitties sleep.
LAWYERThe larval form of Politician
LIFESomething to do when you can't get to sleep.
 What happens to you while you are making other plans.
 Circus and all the clowns are in Washington.
 A first draft, with no rewrite.
 Series of rude awakenings.
 (In a Sentence): If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favor?
LSDVirtual Reality without all the fancy hardware.
MASON-DIXON LINELine that separates Y'all from the Youse Guys
MAZDAModel All Zoids Drive Aimlessly
 Making A Zillion Dollars Annually
MCAFEEPatron saint of paranoid computer users.
MEEEEEWhat Geronimo says when he jumps out of a plane.
MICE CRISPIESBreakfast of champion cats!
MODEMA deterrent to phone solicitors.
 n. Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine.
 How a southerner asks for seconds.
MODERATORn. Also known as god, dictator, egotist, oppressor
MOPARMitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars
 Most Often Passed At Races
 Mostly Old Paint And Rust
 Mostly Old Parts And Rust
MULTITASKINGScrewing up several things at once.
NAPANever Any Parts Available.
NERVOUSAsking which wine goes best with fingernails.
NISSANNasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon
NOSTALGIA BUFFOne who finds the past perfect and present tense.
NOWadv: A moment in time that has already passed.
NURSERYPlace where nurses are made.
OLDSMOBILEOld Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel
ONCE(wuns) adv: Enough.
ORGAN DONORA motorcyclist without a helmet
OXYMORONA compassionate Republican.
 A thinking liberal.
 Airline food
 Alone together.
 Artificial intelligence
 Athletic scholarships.
 Baby grand.
 Brave politician.
 Budget Resolution
 Bug free code.
 Business ethics.
 Capital Punishment.
 Chicken fingers
 Civil War.
 Classic Rock
 Cold fire.
 Completely Unfinished
 Computer security.
 Congressional ethics.
 Constant Change.
 Constant variable.
 Conventional wisdom.
 Criminal justice.
 Death benefits
 Dodge Ram.
 Down Escalator.
 Dream Reality
 Dry ice.
 Dry wine.
 Dull point.
 Educational Television.
 Elementary calculus.
 Even Odds.
 Fast idle.
 Final version.
 Finished buildings.
 Free love.
 Freezer burn.
OXYMORON (contd.)Fresh frozen.
 Friendly fire.
 Good Grief.
 Progressive Conservative.
PEANUTSn. my paycheck.
PESTn. A friend in need.
PHILOSOPHYA study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
PINTOPut In New Transmission Often
PIZZAThe fourth food group.
POLITICIANThe adult form of a lawyer
POLITICSPoly: many + Tics: blood sucking parasites
 The entertainment branch of industry.
PONTIACPoor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac
PORSCHEPhased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine
 Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
 Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions
POVERTYHaving too much month left at the end of the money.
PROFESSORSomeone who talks in somebody else's sleep.
PROGRESSOpposite of Congress
PRONOUNA noun that has lost it's amateur status
PROSTITUTEReceiver of swollen goods.
PURRThe sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness
PURRANOIAFear the cat is up to something..
PURRINGThe sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
RADIOACTIVE CATCat with 18 half lives.
REALITYn. Where the pizza dude comes from.
REDUNDANCYAn airbag in a politician's car
REJECTIONWhen your imaginary friends won't talk to you.
RENAULTRetarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash
RETIREMENTTwice as much husband, half as much money.
 When you stop living at work and start working at life
RINGItem used to explore the drain in one's sink
ROFLRolling On the Floor Laughing
ROTISSEREA ferris wheel for chickens
SAABSwedish Automobile - Always Broken
SCHOOLn. a learning prison
SKIERSomeone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
SLEEPA poor substitute for caffeine.
 That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
SOCIALISMMan exploiting man. Capitalism: The reverse.
SPOILS OF WAR, THEn. Army food.
STICK('stik) n. A boomerang that doesn't work.
STPStop Those Pistons.
STRESSn. Doing a tight 180-dregree U-turn at Warp 9.5.
SUBARUSend Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium
SUCCESSAttending a funeral as a spectator
SUSHIKnown to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.
SYNONYMWord you use when you can't spell the one you want.
SYSOP (sihs-ahp)n. One who reconfigures
 n. The person laughing at your typing.
TACTKnowing how far to go in going too far.
TAGLINES ('tag-l„inz)n. The restroom walls of BBSing
 n. The bumperstickers of the information super highway.
TAXFine for doing fine. FINE: Tax for doing wrong
TERRORA female Klingon with PMS.
THESAURUSAncient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
TOYOTATaking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All
TREEPlant used to stop cars.
TRIUMPHThe Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
TUNARSonarlike device in can that causes cats to appear
UNWRITTEN BOOK"Dash for the Bathroom" by Willie Makitt.
VACATIONA place to go without having to.
VWVery Worthless
WASHINGTON D.C.A work free drug place.
WINDOWSThe best 89 dollar solitaire game you can buy
WITLAGThe delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
WOMANMan, the sequel.
WORKThe slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life.