| AARDVARK | Strenuous labor |
| ABASH | A great party |
| ACOUSTIC | Instrument used in billards. |
| ACTOR | Someone who tries to be everything but himself. |
| ACURA | All Cars Usually Require Adjustment |
| | Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents |
| | Any Child Understands Real Automobiles |
| | Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents |
| | Awful, Crappy, Unreliable, Rusty Automobile |
| ACUTE | The Opposite of an ugly. |
| ADVIL | n. device used to hammer things on. |
| ADVICE | n. the smallest current coin. |
| AELUROPHOBIA | fear of cats |
| AFTER-MATH | n. The period following algebra. |
| AIBOHPHOBIA | Fear of palindromes. |
| AIDS | v. looking for love in all the wrong places |
| ALARM CLOCK | n. machine that scares the daylights into you. |
| | adj. something that makes people rise and whine. |
| ALIMONY | 'Bye now, pay later. |
| ALTERNATING CURRENT | Bi-sexual electrons. |
| AN UDDER FAILURE | Cow that doesn't give milk. |
| ANARCHY | Such a good idea, it should be the law. |
| ANNOYING | Two people who go right on talking when you're interrupting |
| ANTIQUE SHOP | n. A place where sale items are very old and the prices are very modern. |
| ANXIETY | Nature's way of getting you up mornings. |
| APPARENT | n. A large, old, bossy person who tortures youths. |
| ARCHAEOLOGIST | n. person whose career lies in ruins. |
| ARTERY | Study of fine paintings |
| ASPIRIN | Having great ambitions |
| ASTRONOMER | n. a night watchman |
| ATHEISM | A non-prophet organisation. |
| ATOMIC BOMB | n. thing that makes molehills out of mountains. |
| AUDI | Accelerates Under Demonic Influence |
| BABY PHILOSOPHY | if it stinks, change it. |
| BACHELOR | n. One who never makes the same mistake once. |
| | n. One who's footloose and fiance free. |
| BACTERIA | n. Lunchroom for chiropractors. |
| | n. rear portion of a cafeteria. |
| BAD DAY | A day when everyone loves your drivers license photo. |
| BANKERS' HOURS | That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf. |
| BARIUM | What doctors do when treatment fails. |
| BARNEY (BAR-NEE) | n. Well known purple mutant eggplant from Hell. |
| | A Smurf on steroids. |
| BARNEY & FRIENDS | An adult's virtual reality trip through Jurassic Park |
| BEETLE | Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine |
| BIGAMY | One wife too many. Monogamy: same idea. |
| BLACK CLOTHES | Ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture. |
| BMW | Babbling Mechanical Wench |
| | Bastard Money Wielders |
| | Beastly Monstrous Wonder |
| | Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels |
| | Beautiful Mechanical Wonder |
| | Big Money Waster |
| | Big Money Works |
| | Blasphemized Motorized Wreck |
| | Blasphemous Motorized Wreck |
| | Born Moderately Wealthy. |
| | Break My Windows |
| | Broken Money Waster |
| | Broken Monstrous Wonder |
| | Brutal Money Waster |
| | Bumbling Mechanical Wretch |
| | Bring Money Withyou |
| BOASTING | Pitter patter of little feats. |
| BOEING | The sound a plane makes when it hits the ground |
| BORE | One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you. |
| BORG CABLE CO | subscriber's wishes are irrelevent |
| BORG COLA | The choice of the Next Generation |
| BORG TRIVIAL PURSUIT | Asimilating irrelevant information |
| BORG TV | One Channel. Anything else is irrelevant. |
| BOW TIE | Big Over Weight Tired Impotent Engines |
| BOY SCOUTS, THE | Like the army with adult supervision. |
| BUICK | Big Ugly Import Car Killer |
| | Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer |
| | Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean |
| BUREAUCAT | a kitty who sleeps on your undies. |
| CAFFEINE | The fifth food group |
| | Everything you could want in a drink |
| CAMARO | Can't America Make A Real One? |
| CAPITALISM | Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse. |
| CAT (kat') | n. Dog with an attitude problem. |
| | n. animal that tastes JUST like chicken |
| | n. Fast, psychotoc animal bred for target practice. |
| | n. A dog with an attitude problem |
| CAT GAME | Fit into the smallest space available. |
| CAT TOY | n. Any object on the ground. |
| CATACLYSM | Bible study classes for cats. |
| CATACOMB | n. used for brushing cat hair. |
| CATALAN OPENING | Starting a local area network for cats. |
| CATASTROPHE | An award for the cat with the nicest buns. |
| CATATONIC | n. Italian beverage most preferred by cats. |
| CATGUT | n. My dog got fleas but my catgut kittens. |
| CATHOLIC | n. A cat with a drinking problem. |
| CATOLIC | n. a religiously clean Cat. |
| CATS | God's way of saying your furniture is too nice. |
| | Good for dusting high places. |
| | proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad. |
| | proof that not everything in nature has a function. |
| CATS' FAVORITE GAME | Hah - made you look! |
| CATSCAN | hi-tech device for examining cats. |
| CATSKILL MOUNTAINS | Mountain range with dangerous cats. |
| | The land of dead mice. |
| CENSORISM | ** * ****** ********* |
| CHEVORLET | Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time |
| | Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. |
| CHEVY | Charged Heavily |
| | Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet |
| CHICKEN | The egg's way of making more eggs. |
| CHILDISH GAME | One at which you cannot beat your spouse. |
| CHOCOLATE | The other major food group. |
| CHRYSLER | Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs |
| | Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's |
| CITROEN | Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters |
| CLINTON/GORE | the Beavis and Butthead of politics |
| COBOL n. | Crude Outdated Boring Obsolete Language |
| COMMITTEE | 12 people doing the work of one. |
| | A life form with six or more legs and no brain. |
| | A group that keeps the minutes but wastes the hours. |
| COMPUTER | Machine that makes very fast, very accurate mistakes |
| COMPUTER USERS | n. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. |
| | Users are divided into three subgroups: |
| NOVICE USERS: | People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. |
| INTERMEDIATE USERS: | People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. |
| EXPERT USERS: | People who break other people's computers. |
| CONCLUSION | Where somebody got tired of thinking. |
| CONFERENCE MANAGEMENT | Trying to herd cats |
| CONGRESS | Political Asylum |
| CONSCIENCE | The inner voice warning you that somebody is looking. |
| CONSCIOUSNESS | That annoying time between naps. |
| COURAGE | n. Fear extinguisher. |
| CREDIT CARD | A way to increase ones yearning. |
| CYNIC | Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket. |
| DATABASE | adj. More information than you'll ever need. |
| DATSUN | Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips |
| DEATH | Nature's way of telling you to slow down. |
| DELICATE | A dainty kitten who likes kosher. |
| DIME | A dollar after taxes. |
| DIPLOMACY | The art of letting somebody have your way. |
| DODGE | Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter |
| | Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere |
| | Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere |
| DOG | Foot Warmer |
| DOGMATISM | Puppyism come to full growth. |
| DOOR | something a cat wants to be on the other side of. |
| EARTH | Mostly Harmless |
| EGOTIST | Someone who talks much and thinks little. |
| ELASTIC | Oprah's pants |
| EXPERIENCE | What you get when you don't get what you want. |
| EXPERIMENT | One-legged cats are easier to throw. |
| | Cats without legs never land on all fours. |
| FELINIOUS ASSAULT | Striking someone with a cat. |
| FIAT | Failure In Automotive Technology |
| | Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation |
| | Fix It Again Tony |
| | Fix It All the Time |
| FINE | Tax for doing wrong. Tax: fine for doing fine. |
| FLASHLIGHT | A device used to store dead batteries. |
| FOOT | A device for finding furniture in the dark. |
| FORD | (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot |
| | First On Recall Day |
| | First On Race Day |
| | Fix Or Repair Daily |
| | Found On Road Dead |
| | Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's |
| FREE | Flying lessons for your cat, off the Sears Tower |
| G.T.I. | Got Tossers Inside |
| GM | General Mistake |
| | Grungy Merchandise |
| GMC | Garage Man's Companion |
| | Generally Mediocre Cars |
| | Got Mechanic Coming |
| | Got More Crap |
| GOD | The only one who really knows what he is talking about |
| GOLFER | One who yells "fore!", takes five and writes down three. |
| GUI | Grab the User In-the-face |
| HANGOVER | The wrath of grapes. |
| HEALTH | The slowest possible rate of dying. |
| HEAVY | adj. Seduced by the chocolate side of the force |
| HOBBY | Getting exhausted on your own time. |
| HONDA | Hand Over Dollars to Asians |
| | Helping Out Nips Destroying America |
| | Hold Overs Not Doing Anything |
| HOMEMOANER | n. One who complains about property taxes |
| HUH | Primary word of the teenage language. |
| HUMAN | n. Useful domestic animal, popular with cats. |
| IBM | A non-service profit organization |
| ILLINOIS | Not as boring as you think. |
| INSANITY | A Primary method of survival. |
| IRAQ | Past tense of Iran |
| JAGUAR | Jews And Germans Usually Argue Retail |
| JEEP | Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts |
| | Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole. |
| | Jumps Everything Ever Parked |
| | Junk Eletrical and Emissions Parts |
| | Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts |
| | Just Eat Every Pickle. |
| JOB | A really, really, really, bad joke. |
| JOURNALISM | Literature in a hurry |
| KARAOKE | A Japanese word meaning Tone Deaf American. |
| KITTY LITTER | Throwing cats out a car window. |
| KITTY WELLS | where cats go to drink |
| LAPTOP | where my kitties sleep. |
| LAWYER | The larval form of Politician |
| LIFE | Something to do when you can't get to sleep. |
| | What happens to you while you are making other plans. |
| | Circus and all the clowns are in Washington. |
| | A first draft, with no rewrite. |
| | Series of rude awakenings. |
| | (In a Sentence): If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favor? |
| LSD | Virtual Reality without all the fancy hardware. |
| MASON-DIXON LINE | Line that separates Y'all from the Youse Guys |
| MAZDA | Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly |
| | Making A Zillion Dollars Annually |
| MCAFEE | Patron saint of paranoid computer users. |
| MEEEEE | What Geronimo says when he jumps out of a plane. |
| MICE CRISPIES | Breakfast of champion cats! |
| MODEM | A deterrent to phone solicitors. |
| | n. Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine. |
| | How a southerner asks for seconds. |
| MODERATOR | n. Also known as god, dictator, egotist, oppressor |
| MOPAR | Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars |
| | Most Often Passed At Races |
| | Mostly Old Paint And Rust |
| | Mostly Old Parts And Rust |
| MULTITASKING | Screwing up several things at once. |
| NAPA | Never Any Parts Available. |
| NERVOUS | Asking which wine goes best with fingernails. |
| NISSAN | Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon |
| NOSTALGIA BUFF | One who finds the past perfect and present tense. |
| NOW | adv: A moment in time that has already passed. |
| NURSERY | Place where nurses are made. |
| OLDSMOBILE | Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel |
| ONCE | (wuns) adv: Enough. |
| ORGAN DONOR | A motorcyclist without a helmet |
| OXYMORON | A compassionate Republican. |
| | A thinking liberal. |
| | Airline food |
| | Alone together. |
| | Artificial intelligence |
| | Athletic scholarships. |
| | Baby grand. |
| | Bittersweet |
| | Brave politician. |
| | Budget Resolution |
| | Bug free code. |
| | Business ethics. |
| | Capital Punishment. |
| | Chicken fingers |
| | Civil War. |
| | Classic Rock |
| | Cold fire. |
| | Completely Unfinished |
| | Computer security. |
| | Congressional ethics. |
| | Constant Change. |
| | Constant variable. |
| | Conventional wisdom. |
| | Criminal justice. |
| | Death benefits |
| | Dodge Ram. |
| | Down Escalator. |
| | Dream Reality |
| | Dry ice. |
| | Dry wine. |
| | Dull point. |
| | Educational Television. |
| | Elementary calculus. |
| | Even Odds. |
| | Fast idle. |
| | Final version. |
| | Finished buildings. |
| | Firewater. |
| | Free love. |
| | Freezer burn. |
| OXYMORON (contd.) | Fresh frozen. |
| | Friendly fire. |
| | Good Grief. |
| | Progressive Conservative. |
| PEANUTS | n. my paycheck. |
| PEST | n. A friend in need. |
| PHILOSOPHY | A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently. |
| PINTO | Put In New Transmission Often |
| PIZZA | The fourth food group. |
| POLITICIAN | The adult form of a lawyer |
| POLITICS | Poly: many + Tics: blood sucking parasites |
| | The entertainment branch of industry. |
| PONTIAC | Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac |
| PORSCHE | Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine |
| | Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough |
| | Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions |
| POVERTY | Having too much month left at the end of the money. |
| PROFESSOR | Someone who talks in somebody else's sleep. |
| PROGRESS | Opposite of Congress |
| PRONOUN | A noun that has lost it's amateur status |
| PROSTITUTE | Receiver of swollen goods. |
| PURR | The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness |
| PURRANOIA | Fear the cat is up to something.. |
| PURRING | The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. |
| RADIOACTIVE CAT | Cat with 18 half lives. |
| REALITY | n. Where the pizza dude comes from. |
| REDUNDANCY | An airbag in a politician's car |
| REJECTION | When your imaginary friends won't talk to you. |
| RENAULT | Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash |
| RETIREMENT | Twice as much husband, half as much money. |
| | When you stop living at work and start working at life |
| RING | Item used to explore the drain in one's sink |
| ROFL | Rolling On the Floor Laughing |
| ROTISSERE | A ferris wheel for chickens |
| SAAB | Swedish Automobile - Always Broken |
| SCHOOL | n. a learning prison |
| SKIER | Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them. |
| SLEEP | A poor substitute for caffeine. |
| | That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off. |
| SOCIALISM | Man exploiting man. Capitalism: The reverse. |
| SPOILS OF WAR, THE | n. Army food. |
| STICK | ('stik) n. A boomerang that doesn't work. |
| STP | Stop Those Pistons. |
| STRESS | n. Doing a tight 180-dregree U-turn at Warp 9.5. |
| SUBARU | Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium |
| SUCCESS | Attending a funeral as a spectator |
| SUSHI | Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'. |
| SYNONYM | Word you use when you can't spell the one you want. |
| SYSOP (sihs-ahp) | n. One who reconfigures |
| | n. The person laughing at your typing. |
| TACT | Knowing how far to go in going too far. |
| TAGLINES ('tag-l„inz) | n. The restroom walls of BBSing |
| | n. The bumperstickers of the information super highway. |
| TAX | Fine for doing fine. FINE: Tax for doing wrong |
| TERROR | A female Klingon with PMS. |
| THESAURUS | Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary. |
| TOYOTA | Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All |
| TREE | Plant used to stop cars. |
| TRIUMPH | The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily |
| TUNAR | Sonarlike device in can that causes cats to appear |
| UNILINGUAL | American. |
| UNWRITTEN BOOK | "Dash for the Bathroom" by Willie Makitt. |
| VACATION | A place to go without having to. |
| VW | Very Worthless |
| WASHINGTON D.C. | A work free drug place. |
| WINDOWS | The best 89 dollar solitaire game you can buy |
| WITLAG | The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke. |
| WOMAN | Man, the sequel. |
| WORK | The slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life. |