SATICHE - 0329

Cynical Definitions

Abort, v. - To correct a misconception.
Anarchist, n. - One who wants to do away with the existing social disorder.
Anarcho-capitalism, n. - The Machinery of Friedman. A system under which everyone gets the government they deserve (and no more government than they're willing to pay for).
Aqualanche, n. - The sudden (and usually messy) shift of icecubes from a higher energy state to a lower one in the beverage you have tipped up in front of your face.
Atheist, n. - God's way of mocking the faithful.
Beat, v.t. - To overcome or defeat; as, in Los Angeles, where four clubs beat a King.
-being, n. suffix - A combining form for creating terms that mean "agent": spokesbeing, gentlebeing, chairbeing. It avoids the anthropocentrism of -person.
Bomb, n. - Colloquial. An entertainment that fails to entertain -- especially when the government is the butt of the joke.
Child, n. - A larva that eventually turns into a human being. Universally loved -- anyone who claims not to love children isn't cooking them properly.
Christianity, n. - A superbly-designed religion; I wouldn't dream of owning a slave who wasn't a Christian.
Civil authorities. - Uncivil authoritarians.
-concept, n. suffix - A combining form for creating terms that mean "agent": spokesconcept, gentleconcept, chairconcept. It avoids the existence-centrism of -being.
Condom, n. - A kind of raincoat. In the present climate, you could catch your death without it.
Correct, adj. - In agreement with the opinions of the infallible. Politically correct. Inoffensive, except to those with respect for the language.
Death, n. - The only medicine currently available which can deliver one from the affliction known as government. It has a number of inconvenient side-effects which have a negative impact on the ability to achieve one's goals. The unpleasantness of these side-effects can be greatly reduced if the medicine is adminstered to the functionaries of the State instead of, as is usual, by them.
Debugger. n. - The third Person of the programmer's Holy Trinity; the first two are the Editor and the Compiler. v. To unscrew, fundamentally.
Democracy, n. - An asylum run by the inmates. As Churchill admitted, "the worst form of government, except for all the others"; now getting so obviously awful that alternatives to government are finally getting the attention they deserve.
Earth. - [From ME erthe, dirt] The Third World, sidereally speaking. The planetary placenta of the universal uterus; the afterbirth of Homo celaestens (a cowering fetus that presently refuses to be born, despite growing labor pains).
Evolution, n. - The process of variation and selection that brings forth order out of chaos. Known as "natural selection" in biology, "scientific method" in epistemology, "trial and error" in everyday life, "the way the cookie crumbles" in business, and anthropomorphized under various names by the ignorant. The partially learned conceive of biological evolution as a teleological process producing what we consider "progress". In fact, natural selection is concerned only with what succeeds, not with what human beings find aesthetically pleasing. If there is some statistically significant survival value in being ugly enough to scare maggots off a shitpile, then biological evolution will happily beat all creatures with the ugly stick. (AIDS, which makes sexual attractiveness life-threatening, might be an example of one such selection mechanism.)
Folly, n. - Purposeful action planned poorly, i.e., by human beings. Folly is distinguished from stupidity thusly: the stupid person lacks mental horsepower, while the fool, possessing brains, is imperfectly perseverant in their application. This distinction is too subtle for many, and the fool is often confused with the idiot (when they are not being confused separately).
Gay, adj. - Childless, and therefore, happy.
Gospel, n. - A placebo antidepressant, usually administered orally.
Green, adj. - Unsophisticated; gullible; easily fooled. Wet behind the ears, and soft between them as well. Homesick for the Dark Ages.
Homochondria, n. - The paranoid suspicion, harbored by many gay men, that every pimple, sniffle, or headache is a sign of undiagnosed AIDS.
Homosexuality, n. - One of the four most contemptible sexual perversions. The others are heterosexuality, bisexuality, and celibacy.
Humorless, adj. - Blind to the comical aspects of one's own misfortunes. The humorless confuse solemnity with dignity: humorlessness is no guarantee of being taken seriously.
Illusionist, n. - A practitioner of sleight-of-hand; magician. The opposite is a disillusionist, or cynic. "Any sufficiently reliable magic is indistinguishable from technology."
Imagination, n. - Like polio, measles, and rubella, a former commonplace of childhood. In the modern world, inoculation at an early age with vaccine has virtually eliminated it.
Information superhighway. - A hiking trail through cyberspace, after the government gets through with it. A road to serfdom, paved with good intentions.
Internet, n. - A popular forum for acrimonious debate and contumely, from which the word internecine is derived.
Is, v. - Is confused with.
Itstory, n. - Politically-correct, gender-neutral term for what used to be called "history".
Java, n. - The Philosopher's Stone of the alchemists, the Second Coming of Christ, the Maltese Falcon, and the fourth Star Wars movie, all rolled into one. A technology for developing programs that will run on any platform, and crash in a different way on all of them. A mighty acorn that grew from a tiny Oak.
Lottery, n. - A tax on statistical illiteracy.
Love, n. - An agreeable sensation arising from the recognition in another of similarity or usefulness to oneself. "Love is blind," they say, but fortunately it has a well-developed tactile sense.
Mainstream, n. - The centroid of a lemming migration. The frequent re-election of obviously awful incumbents is due to the old folk-saying, "Don't change whores in the mainstream."
Mockingbird, n. - Mimus polyglottos.A conversationalist whose discourse consists solely of what it has heard. (In this, it takes after a related species of bird, the North American tubewatcher, Tuber sofensis.) In olden times, the mockingbird's repertoire consisted of songs it had cribbed from other birds. In this morning's recital, your humble lexicographer instead recognized car alarms, remote controls for same, personal pagers, the ringing of electronic phones, ambulance and police sirens, and digital alarm clocks.
Moonshiner, n. - One who conducts his business in distill of the night.
Nanocomputing, n. - Making little things count.
Non-existent, adj. - A politically-incorrect term; the preferred alternative is "ontologically challenged".
Object, n. - Thing. In the real world, usually perverse and uncooperative. Software objects, on the other hand, can be trained. Whereas physical objects prefer, when placed unsupported in air, to dive unerringly for one's feet (if massive) or bounce frantically into hiding under the furniture (if small), a software object will remain obediently where it is put, or will drift lazily to the ground, if told to do that. If a software object does manage to become misplaced, you can send another software object to go find it. In physicality, some objects, which we call "animate," have a rudimentary capacity to learn desired behaviors. A dog can be taught to fetch one's newspaper, or preferably someone else's. A VCR can be taught to record the wrong television program. A cat can be trained to evade kicks. A horse can be taught to race, and a jockey how to lose a horserace. Birds exhibit perhaps the greatest capacity to learn. A parrot can be taught to talk and, with difficulty, to shut up. A chicken can be taught to be Extra Crispy. The birds of the air can even be trained to participate in practical jokes, like the accomplices of the MIT hacker who spent the Saturday afternoons of one summer scattering birdseed on the Harvard football field, while wearing a striped shirt and blowing a whistle. The first game of Harvard's football season that fall was exceptionally well-attended by avian fans.
Oversexed, adj. - Underlaid.
Ozone, n. The O3 molecule, a deadly pollutant (at ground level), produced by evil industrial processes. The O3 molecule, a precious natural resource (in the upper atmosphere), threatened by evil industrial processes.
Patriot, n. - One who gets goose-bumps from goose-steps.
PCMCIA. - An unknown source claims this stands for People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.
Pi. - A number, represented by said letter, expressing the ratio of the circumference of a perfect circle to its diameter. The value of pi has been calculated to many millions of decimal places, to no readily apparent purpose: no perfect circles or spheres exist in nature, since matter is composed of atoms and therefore lumpy, not smooth. Nature herself sometimes takes to rounding off the more extreme decimals of numbers when they get sufficiently small, as Prof. Heisenberg has pointed out. However, the continued extension of pi provides a harmless exercise of computer power which would otherwise be misused playing Quake or surfing the internet.
Plotter, n. - A planner whose plans you do not like.
Policeman, n. - Homo scrofulus. The regrettably non-missing link between the scum at the top and the dregs at the bottom. Armed and dangerous. Support your local police -- by the neck, until dead.
Religion, n.. - Superstition codified.
Safe sex. - A matter of taste, if your taste happens to be incapable of distinguishing between being alive and being dead.
Self-important, adj. - More important than oneself.
Serial killer. - A processor that executes one obstruction at a time. The opposite is a parallel killer (formerly called a "mass murderer").
Servile, adj. - Exhibiting fawning obedience to someone besides me.
SETI. - The Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence -- a rational response to the near-extinction of the terrestrial variety.
Technocracy, n. - The tyranny of the attentive.
Television, n. - Box populi. Life support system for a consumer consciousness. Marx called religion "the opiate of the people"; television, as implemented under state-enforced monopoly, can only be described as "the people's crack" -- a brain-destroying drug administered through a glass tube. Soma for shut-ins.
Trust, n. - The precursor to betrayal.
Upload, v.i., v.t. - To become a figment of your computer's imagination.

U.S.A., n. - The freest country on Earth (a distinction akin to being the coolest county in Hell). What makes the You Ess of Ay so much greater than all those other benighted republics? A simple comparison makes our superiority abundantly clear:

What other governments have What the USA has instead

Kickbacks Subsidies

Indoctrination centers Public schools

Propagandists Government spokespersons

Government censors Network Standards and Practices

Thought control Political correctness

Embarrassing and incriminating evidence Information that, if leaked, could pose a threat to national security

Dissidents Crackpots

Refugees Homeless

Political prisoners Morals offenders

Forced labor Community service

Black markets Organized crime

Secret police and death squads Elite anti-terrorism and drug-interdiction units

Resistance movements Terrorist militias

Invasion and occupation Strategic presence

U.S.S.R., n. - A former superpower. One down, one to go.
Vernacular, n., adj. - That horrid rubbish the common people insist on speaking instead of what we, the linguists, tell them.
Virgin, n. - One unacquainted with sexual disappointments.
W. - As Saint Ambrose defined it: W, (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like epixoriambikos. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. We of the Digital Age are privileged to suffer an inconvenience unknown to Mr. Bierce: the World Wide Web -- a three-syllable term with a nine-syllable "abbreviation". A survey of netizens revealed their preferences for renaming this troublesome letter: Woof -- 26.2%, Whoa -- 15.1%, Wow -- 11.8%, Way -- 10.0%, Whack -- 8.8%, Wah -- 7.3%, What -- 6.1%, Whoop -- 4.1%, Whee! -- 1.3%, Woo -- 0.5%, (Figures do not add to exactly 100% because, of course, they were all made up.)
Wired, adj. - Suffering the effects of too much caffeine (commonly due to an overdose of Java). Over-hyped and deserving of a rest.
Ytnal, n. Politically-correct, gender-neutral term for what used to be called a "hymnal".

What other governments have	What the USA has instead
Kickbacks	Subsidies
Indoctrination centers	Public schools
Propagandists	Government spokespersons
Government censors	Network Standards and Practices
Thought control	Political correctness
Embarrassing and incriminating evidence	Information that, if leaked, could pose a threat to national security
Dissidents	Crackpots
Refugees	Homeless
Political prisoners	Morals offenders
Forced labor	Community service
Black markets	Organized crime
Secret police and death squads	Elite anti-terrorism and drug-interdiction units
Resistance movements	Terrorist militias
Invasion and occupation	Strategic presence