Cynical Definitions (3)

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• Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
• Accordionated: Able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
• Acting: An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
• Activation Energy: The useful energy available in one cup of coffee.
• Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
• Adult: 1) A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle. 2) One old enough to know better.
• Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
• Aeroma: Odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.
• Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
• Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
• Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
• Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
• Antonym: The opposite of the word you are trying to think of.
• Anxiety: "The IRS is on line one, Mr. Milken".
• Aquadextrous: Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
• Artery: Study of paintings.
• Auction: A gyp off the old block.
• Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to know.
• Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
• Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana.
• Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.
• Bartender: A pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Bureaucracy: A method for tranforming energy into solid waste.
• Bore: 1) Someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 2) A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 3) He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself. 4) Somebody who is going places, and the sooner the better.
• Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
• Budget: 1) A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. 2) A method for going broke methodically.
• Bureaucrat: 1) A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2) A politician with tenure.
• Cabinicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
• Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
• Cauterize: Made eye contact with a woman.
• Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
• Charm: A way of getting a "yes", without having asked any clear question.
• Careful: 1) Looking both ways while crossing a one-way. 2) Wearing rubber gloves to change a watch battery.
• Cheap: Much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much.
• Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
• Civil servant: Someone who is neither civil nor disposed to serve.
• Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
• Concept: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000.
• Conservative: 1) A Liberal who has just been mugged. 2) A person who believes nothing should be done for the first time. 3) One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
• Confusion: Father's Day in Brixton. (or your favorite target location)
• Conservative: 1) A man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 2) A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
• Constipation: Teeth marks on the toilet seat.
• Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
• Consultation: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
• Death: 1) The one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards. 2) God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 3) Life's answer to the question "Why?" 4) Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 5) The greatest kick of all; that's why they save it for last. 6) Proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
• Deliberation: Examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
• Diplomacy: 1) The art of letting someone else have your way. 2) The art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock. 3) The ability to tell someone to "go to hell" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
• Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
• Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
• Egotist: Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.
• Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
• Election: An advance auction of stolen goods.
• Entomology: I fear no weevil.
• Eunuch: A man cut out to be a bachelor.
• Fanatic: 1) Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts. 2) Can't change his mind, won't change the subject.
• Fashion: 1) Something that goes in one year and out the other. 2) A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
• Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
• Foodwinking: Giving exotic names to otherwise mundane food products.
• Friends: 1) People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. 2) People who know you well, but like you anyway.
• Garmites: Clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home.
• Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
• Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
• Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
• Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
• Government: Not the solution, but the problem.
• Graft: An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.
• Hangnail: A coat hook.
• Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
• Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
• Health: The slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• Honesty: Pregnant woman buying two tickets on a bus.
• Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
• Ignorance: When you don't know something and someone finds out.
• Incest: 1) The theory of relativity. 2) A game the whole family can play. 3) Sibling revelry.
• Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
• Insignificance: When you're in the labor room with your wife, watching the doctor with both arms buried up to his elbows to turn the baby around properly.
• Insolence: Pooping on someone's doorstep, and then knocking on the door to ask if they have any toilet paper.
• Junk: Something you need the day after you throw it away.
• Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
• Justice: A decision in your favor.
• Kiss: Putting your honey where your mouth is.
• Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
• Lamb stew: Much ado about mutton.
• Lawyer: The larval stage of politicians.
• Laziness: A remote control to locate your other remote controls.
• Lefties: The only people in their right minds.
• Liberal: Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist.
• Life: A terminal, sexually transmitted disease.
• Light year: A regular year with less calories.
• Lizzy Borden: The original hacker.
• Love: 1) The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs. 2) The only game that is not called on account of darkness. 3) Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
• LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
• Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
• Maintenance-Free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed.
• Meter maid: Windshield viper.
• Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
• Modern art: What happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.
• Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
• Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
• Mount Everest: 28,928 feet.
• Noise: Two skeletons making love on a tin roof.
• Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who has no gills.
• On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
• Optimism: A guy who gets married at ninety and buys a house near a school.
• Oregon: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
• Orgasm: Gland finale.
• Parachuting: Jumping to contusions.
• Paranoid: Someone who just figured out what's going on.
• Parking space: An area that vanishes as you make a U-Turn.
• Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
• Pessimist: 1) An optimist with experience. 2) One who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
• Petting: A study in anatomy in Braille.
• Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
• Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.
• Politics: From Greek "poly" meaning 'many' and "ticks", a small, annoying bloodsucker.
• Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
• Prune Juice: The breakfast of Runners.
• Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Quality Control: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
• Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
• Redundancy: An air bag in a politician's car.
• Revenge: A bastard punching holes in a condom factory.
• Sadist: A masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
• Sailing: A form of mast transit.
• Solitude: An out-of-buddy experience.
• Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
• Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
• Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
• Speed: Sticking your buttocks out of a third story window, running down to the first floor, and seeing your own butt just disappear up above.
• Strain: Teeth marks on a toilet bowl rim.
• Sunbather: A fry in the ointment.
• Sunburn: 1) Getting more than you basked for. 2) A fry in the ointment.
• Suspense: I will tell you tomorrow.
• Trust: Two cannibals having oral sex.
• Used car: Not what it's jacked up to be.
• Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
• Willpower: Filling your mouth up with water, sitting on the stove, turning it on, and wait until the water starts boiling.
• Zebra: A sports model jackass.