Cynical Definitions (4)

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• ABACUS n. A reliable solid state biquinary computing device now partly superseded by the Cray 1
• ABANDON n. How to tell if a man is married
• ABDOMEN n. A shrine enclosing the object of man's sincerest devotion
• ABOMINABLE adj. The quality of another's opinions
• ABORT n. The rather heavy interruption of a system, usually self-induced
• ABSENTEE: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
• ABSTAINER: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
• ABSURDITY: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
• ABUSE n. Unanswerable wit
• ACCOMPLICE n. Your partner in business
• ACCORDION: A bagpipe with pleats.
• ACCURACY: The vice of being right
• ACCUSER n. One's former friend
• ACK n. A Signal indicating that the error-detection circuits have failed
• ACORN n. An oak in a nutshell
• ACQUAINTANCE: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
• ACRONYM n. A memorable word from which a non-memorable phrase is acrostically generated
• ACTUALLY adv. Perhaps, possibly
• ACUTE ANGLE n. 36"-24"-36"
• ADDRESS n. The place at which one receives the delicate attention of creditors
• ADMIRATION: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
• ADOLESCENCE: The stage between puberty and adultery.
• ADOLESCENT adj. Recovering from boyhood
• ADVANCED DESIGN: Copy writer doesn't understand it
• ADVERSE n. A nasty TV commercial jingle
• ADVERTISEMENT: The most truthful part of a newspaper
• ADVICE n. The smallest current coin
• AEROSPACE n. Quiver
• AFFORD n. A car some people drive
• AFTERISM: a concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
• AIBOHPHOBIA n. The fear of palindromes
• ALGORASM n. A sudden, short-lived moment of pleasure enjoyed by a programmer
• ALIMONY n. Bounty on the mutiny
• ALIMONY n. Check mate
• ALITALIA - Aircraft Landing In Tokyo. All Luggage In Amsterdam
• ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous design
• ALL-NEW adj. Parts not interchangeable with previous design
• ALLEGORY n. A metaphor in three volumes and a tiger
• ALONE: In bad company.
• ALU n. The Arthritic Logic Unit
• AMATEUR n. A public nuisance who mistakes taste for skill
• AMBIDEXTROUS adj. Able to pick a pocket with either hand
• AMBIDEXTROUS n. A sugar that is its own stereo-isomer
• AMBIDEXTROUS: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
• ANALYZE n. Structures used for hindsight
• AND vt. To conjunct (several binary victims) in the boolean environment
• ANNOUNCE n. One-sixteenth of a pound
• ANTAGONIST n. The miserable scoundrel who won't let us
• ANTONYM: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
• APATHETIC adj. Six weeks married
• APHORISM: a concise, clever statement.
• APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the coding techniques of the past.
• APOLOGIZE v. To lay the foundation for a future offence
• APPEAR n. Something you fish off
• ARCHAIC n. What we can't have and eat too
• AREA CODE n. A sinus condition
• ARGUMENT n. A disputatious variable constantly pouncing on innocent functions
• ARMOUR n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith
• ARREST n. What to take when you're tired
• ARTIFACT: The only true fact in an experiment.
• ASCII n. American Standard Code for Interchanging Irrelevant Information
• ASHTRAY n. A place where people put ashes when the room doesn't have a carpet
• ASTRONOMER n. Night watchman
• ATROPHY n. Award for lack of exercise
• ATTACK n. A small nail
• AUCTIONEER n. A man who looks forbidding
• AUTHENTIC adj. Indubitably true - in somebody's opinion
• AUTOEROTICISM n. The computer generation of best selling novels
• AUTOGRAPH n. A cahrt showing the sales of cars
• AUTOMOBILE: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
• AVAUNT exc. The tragic actor's equivalent for "Get out!"
• AXE n. Chopstick
• BABY n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex or condition
• BACHELOR n. A man whom women are still sampling
• BACHELOR: a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
• BACKUP n. The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make.
• BACTERIA n. The rear of a cafeteria
• BAIT n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable
• BALD adj. Destitute of hair from hereditary or accidental causes - never from age
• BALLOT n. A simple device by which a majority proves to a minority the folly of resistance
• BANANA n. First three notes of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony
• BANSHEE n. Stag party
• BARBER n. A savage whose laceration of your cheek is unobserved in the superior torment of his conversation
• BARBER n. Someone who makes fishhooks
• BARBER SHOP n. A clip joint
• BAROMETER: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
• BARRAGE n. Anger in the pub when the beer runs out
• BASE-ADDRESS n. Low-rent accomodation frequented by programmers etc.
• BASSINET n. Worth two in the stream
• BATHING BEAUTY n. A girl worth wading for
• BEE n. A humbug
• BENCHMARK n. To obtain prearranged results from a system that are not available on other systems
• BESPECTACLE n. Second-rate epic movie
• BEWARE n. Honey
• BIDIRECTIONAL n. Of a system - being down or up
• BIRTH: The first and direst of all disasters.
• BIT n. The quantum of misinformation
• BITTERNESS n. Female heron
• BLOCK n. The place of program(mer) execution
• BLUBBER n. Weeping and whaling
• BOOTSTRAP n. The first straw that breaks the system's back
• BORE: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
• BORE: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
• BOY: A noise with dirt on it.
• BRAIN n. An apparatus with which we think that we think
• BRAIN: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
• BRANDY n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part bloody murder and four parts Holy Moses
• BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to sell it
• BRIDE n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her
• BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
• BROKER n. What you get in the stock market
• BROKET n. Broken bracket
• BROTHER n. Soup maker
• BROUHAHA n. Beer joke
• BRUTE n. See HUSBAND
• BUBBLE MEMORY n. A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.
• BUBBLE MEMORY n. A storage device invented by the South Sea Memory Products Inc.
• BUBBLE SORT n. A program for arranging memory bubbles in any desired sequence
• BUDGET n. Taxes chainsaw massacre
• BUFFER n. An old, greasy rag used to clean tape/disk heads
• BUG n. An undocumented feature
• BULRUSH n. Stampede
• BURDEN OF PROOF n. Hangover
• BUREAUCRAT n. Person who cuts red tape lengthwise
• BUS n. A ponderous vehicle for transporting people or data at irregular intervals
• BUTTERFLY NUT n. Lepidopterist
• CABBAGE: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
• CABINET n. The principal persons charged with the mismanagement of a government
• CALL GIRL n. Ma Bell
• CANDY n. A confection composed of terra alba, glucose, flour and premature death
• CANNABIS n. Mexican/Colombian joint space program
• CANNIBAL n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple taste
• CANNIBAL n. One who is fed up with people
• CANNONIZE v. To make a saint out of a dead sinner
• CAPITAL PUNISHMENT n. Income tax.
• CAPTAIN n. Decorative dummy found on sailboats.
• CARPET n. What happens at drive-in-movies etc..
• CARROT n. Rust in your jalopy
• CARTOON n. A song you hear on the car radio
• CAT n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle
• CAT n. Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
• CATERPILLAR n. An upholstered worm
• CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
• CENTAUR n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labour between man and horse
• CHAIR n. Headquarters for hindquarters
• CHAMPAGNE n. Hypochondriac's symptom
• CHARITY: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
• CHICKEN FARM n. A large egg plant
• CHICKEN FEED n. A poultry sum of money
• CHILDHOOD n. Juvenile delinquent
• CHIMPANZEE n. A species of pansy cultivated in Africa
• CHOP n. A piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants
• CHORUS n. In opera, a band of howling dervishes who terrify the audience while the singers are taking a breath
• CHRISTMAS ELF n. Subordinate Claus
• CIRCULAR DEFINITION n. See CIRCULAR DEFINITION.
• CIRCULAR SAW n. "A rose is a rose is a rose"
• CLONE n. Cell mate
• COBOL rots the brain!
• CODING n. Setting up of a 1-1 relationship between infinite loops on a flowchart and infinite loops in a program
• COINCIDENCE n. You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was going on.
• COLD adj. When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
• CONCEIT n. I-strain
• CONFERENCE n. Meeting of the bored
• CONGRATULATION n. The civility of envy
• CONSOLE n. A device for printing condolences and obituaries for the operator
• CONSULT v. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on
• CONVERSATION: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
• COPY UNIVERSE::[GALAXY]EARTH.SOL HOLE::[BLACK]
• CORAL n. Where sea horses are kept
• CORKSCREW n. The outfit of a gentleman who travels light
• CORRUPT adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
• COURT n. A place where they dispense with justice.
• COWARD n. one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
• COWARD: A man in whom the instinct of self-preservation acts normally.
• COWARD: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
• CROWBAR n. A bird's drinking place
• CUBE ROOT n. Diced carrots
• CUBE ROOTS n. Rubik's autobiography
• CUDGEL n. A medicine for external application to the head and shoulders of a fool
• CULPRIT n. The other fellow
• CURATOR n. Dog show judge
• CURSOR ADDRESS n. "Hello Cursor!"
• CURTAIL n. The south end of a dog heading north
• CYNIC: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
• CYNIC: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
• DAMNATION n. The Netherlands
• DATA n. The singular collective noun for a set of datums
• DBMS n. [Origin: DATA + Latin basus 'low, mean, vile, menial, degrading, counterfeit.']
• DBMS n. 1. Marketing. Any filing system.
• DBMS n. 2. Software. A set of data structures, allowing data to be lost but retaining records of the links between missing items.
• DEADLINE n. A knackered line that rejects all handshakes, however friendly
• DEADLINE n. One of a sequence of vague prophecies
• DEATH: to stop sinning suddenly.
• DEBONAIR n. She's just been asked to the ball by Prince Charming
• DEBUGGER n. The person who sold us our system
• DECOMPILER n. Software needed to right the wrongs of compilation, to repack object worms in the can of software
• DEFAULT n. De fault wid dis system is you, man
• DEGRADE vt. To add a terminal to a system
• DELAY n. The elapsed time between successive deadlines
• DELIBERATE v. Put in prison
• DELIBERATION: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
• DELIVER n. The first stage of a liver transplant
• DENIAL n. Where Cleopatra lived
• DENTIST n. Someone who looks down in the mouth
• DEPEND n. Best place to put the diving board
• DEPILATION vt. The painful process whereby programs are made less hairy
• DERANGE n. Where the deer and the antelope play
• DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Costs (manufacturer's) cut to the bone
• DIAGNOSTIC: Software which runs to completion no matter how broken the hardware is.
• DIALOGUE: opposing factions discussing relevant issues. Formerly called an argument.
• DIEHARD n. Fossil
• DIODE n. Eulogy
• DIPLOMACY n. Lying in state.
• DIPLOMACY n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country
• DIPLOMACY: Lying in state.
• DIPLOMACY: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making a splash.
• DISCONSOLATE n. Record played after midnight
• DOCTOR n. A murderer with a license
• DOVE n. Bird of pray
• DOWN n. A terminal condition
• DOWNCAST n. Performers in Swan Lake
• DOWNTIME n. The period during which a system is error-free and immune from user input
• DRACULA n. The first blood count
• DRILL SERGEANT n. An army dentist
• DYXLESIA n. The self-diagnosis of a dyslectic
• EGGSHELL n. Roeboat
• EGOIST n. An eye specialist
• EGOMANIA n. A passion for omelettes
• EGOTISM: the anaesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
• EHPL ! IMAT ARPPDEI SNDI EHT EXA-V11
• ELECTROCUTE n. What R2-D2 is
• ELECTRON n. 1984 US campaign slogan
• EMETIC n. A substance that causes the stomach to take a sudden and enthusiastic interest in outside affairs
• ENDANGER n. What happens to a BARRAGE (qv.) when the beer arrives
• ENDLESS LOOP n. In my program, a dynamic halt, in yours, an elementary blunder
• ENDLESS LOOP n. See LOOP, ENDLESS
• ENDOPHYTE n. Knockout
• ENERGY SAVING: Achieved when the power switch is "off"
• EPICENTRE n. Balancing point of a duelling sword
• EXAMPLE n. Successful dieter
• EXCHANGE n. Money spent
• EXCLUSIVE: Imported product
• EXIT vi. To attempt to leave the current program by typing a series of ignored farewells
• EXORBITANT n. Skylab
• EXTINCT n. Dead skunk
• FAIRY TALE: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
• FAITH n. An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
• FAITH: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
• FAKIR n. Auditory prosthesis
• FAMOUS: Conspicuously miserable.
• FARTHING n. Andromeda galaxy
• FATHERHOOD n. An heir-raising experience
• FAULT FINDER n. Seismologist
• FELICITY n. Static produced by stroking a cat
• FELONIES v. Genuflected
• FEMALE n. Iron man
• FIANCEE n. Near Mrs
• FIDDLE n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat
• FIELD TEST v. Putting your software out to pasture.
• FIELD TEST: Putting your software out to pasture.
• FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment
• FIFO adj. Able to 'deal from the bottom' using legerdestack
• FINE PRINT n. Clause for suspicion
• FIRMWARE n. A neutral noware zone between hardware and software
• FISHING n. The art of casting, trolling, jigging, or spinning while freezing, sweating, swatting, or swearing.
• FISSURE n. Certainly
• FLATTERY n. Deferent strokes
• FLATULENT n. Borrowed appartment
• FLOOD n. A river that's too big for its bridges
• FLOOD n. A superior degree of dampness
• FLY n. A monster of the air owning allegiance to Beelzebub
• FLYWHEEL n. Propeller
• FOOLPROOF n. Inaccessible by users
• FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustment
• FORENSIC n. Montezuma's revenge
• FORENSICS n. Ten
• FORGE v. To write a wrong
• FORK n. An instrument used chiefly for putting dead animals in the mouth
• FORTUNE TELLING n. Seance fiction
• FRACTIONATE n. 16/2
• FRENCH LEAVE n. Much adieu about nothing
• FRENCH TOAST n. Bon appetit!
• FUDGE FACTOR: A physical factor in experiments as a result of stopping a stopwatch early to compensate for reflex error.
• FUDGE FACTOR: The numerical factor by which experimental results must be multiplied to be in agreement with theory.
• FUTURISTIC: Can't figure out another reason why it looks as it does
• GALLOWS n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays where the leading actor is translated to heaven
• GALLOWS n. Where no noose is good noose
• GARTER n. An elastic band designed to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings
• GASTRIC JUICE n. A liquid for dissolving oxen and making men of the pulp
• GEISHA n. Maid in Japan
• GENT n. The male of the genus Hoodlum
• GENUFLECTION n. Leg service
• GEOLOGIST n. A scientist who won't take Noah for an answer
• GEOMETRY n. Here's looking at Euclid
• GIPSY n. A person willing to tell your fortune for a small part of it
• GLADIATOR n. Henpecked cannibal's after-dinner comment
• GLUTEUS VAXIMUS n. That upon which you sit when working on the VAX.
• GOBLET n. A small turkey
• GOBLET n. Small turkey
• GOOGOL n. Baby Einstein's first word
• GOSSIP v. Letting the chat out of the bag
• GOTO: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
• GRAPEVINE n. Medium for currant events
• GRASS n. All flesh
• GROUNDHOG n. Sausage
• GUISE n. Transvestites
• GUTTER n. One who removes entrails
• HAIRY adj. Unduly complex, overly convoluted, beyond fathomage, trichomatic
• HALTING PROBLEM n. The problem of stopping a computer between crashes
• HAMLET n. Small piece of bacon
• HAMMER n. An instrument for smashing the human thumb
• HAND CRAFTED: Machine that assembles it is operated without gloves
• HAND: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
• HAPPINESS n. An agreeabel sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another
• HAPPINESS: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
• HARD DISK n. A device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts of data with a few simple commands.
• HARDWARE CRASH n. The distinctive sound made by disks when the heads drop
• HARDWARE n. The easy part of a system
• HARDWARE n. The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
• HARMONISE n. Effect of CS gas
• HATCHET v. What a hen does to an egg
• HEATHER v. What to do with a frigid woman
• HEDGEHOG n. The cactus of the animal kingdom
• HELPMATE n. A wife, or bitter half
• HERO WORSHIP v. What the galley slave does
• HERPES n. What a woman should mind besides her q's
• HERRINGBONE n. Hammer, anvil or stirrup
• HERS pron. His
• HEURISTICS n. The art of looking busy when seated at a terminal
• HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit
• HOMBRE n. Senor citizen
• HONORABLE: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.
• HORSE FEED n. Oat cuisine
• HYPERTENSION n. Stress in four dimensions
• IBM-COMPATIBLE adj. Not fully IBM-compatible.
• ICBMs n. What the Eskimos have always had
• ICE n. Skid stuff
• IGLOO n. An icicle built for two
• ILLEGAL n. A sick bird
• IMPIETY: Your irreverence toward my deity.
• IMPLORE n. Fairy stories
• IN n. Every direction of travel possible near a black hole
• INCEST n. Sibling ribaldry
• INDECISIVE n. Under the whether
• INFANTRY n. Sapling
• INFERNO v. What to do when your girlfriend slaps your face
• INFORMATION n. How planes fly
• INGEST n. Only kidding
• INGRATE: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
• INHERITANCE n. Dead giveaway
• INSECTICIDE n. Lettuce spray
• INSECTICIDE n. The bug stops here
• INVOICE n. Conscience
• ISAM n. Intrinsically Slow Access Method
• ISINGLASS n. On the rocks
• IVY n. What the Romans said when playing golf
• JAY WALKING n. An exercise that gives you that rundown feeling
• JIFFY n. The time it takes for light to go one centimeter in a vacuum.
• JIFFY: The time it takes for light to go one centimeter in a vacuum.
• JUSTICE: A decision in your favor.
• KALEIDOSCOPE n. Collision viewing device
• KELP n. What to yell when tangled in seaweed
• KERCHIEF n. Top dog
• KHAKI n. What you need to start your automobile
• KILOGRAM n. Letter bomb
• KILOWATT n. Answer to question "Did you ever kill a qzertxl?"
• KIN: An affliction of the blood
• KINDRED n. Fear of visiting relatives
• KITTENS n. Cat litter
• KLEPTOMANIAC n. A rich thief
• KLEPTOMANIAC: A rich thief.
• KNAPSACK n. Sleeping bag
• LABOUR: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
• LAGOON n. Pierre Sellers
• LAING - Largely Alcoholic Irish Navvy Gangs
• LAP n. One of the most important organs of the female system
• LAP-TOP n. Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.
• LEGALISE n. 20/20 vision
• LEGEND n. Foot
• LEGERDEMAIN n. Accountants office
• LEMONADE n. Rock concert to help fruit growers
• LEOPARD FOR SALE n. Sign on a dotted lion
• LEOPARD n. A dotted lion
• LIABILITY n. Salesmanship
• LICENCE NUMBER n. Best thing to take when you're run down
• LICENSE NUMBER n. The best thing to take when you're run down
• LICHEN v. Compare to moss or algae
• LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
• LIGHTNING n. Fire from a madding cloud
• LIGHTWEIGHT: Lighter than rugged
• LINO n. Last In, Never Out
• LIQUIDATE n. Rendezvous in a bath
• LISP n. Lots of Idiotic Stupid Parentheses
• LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
• LOCAL ERROR n. Latent, malignant, lurkful, ticking away
• LOCAL VARIABLE n. Confined, stunted, unable to spread its erroneous wings
• LOCOMOTIVE n. Insanity plea
• LOGARITHM n. Canadian forestry music
• LOGGERHEADS n. Toilets for lumberjacks
• LOOKING n. A royal flush
• LOOP n. The frantic rehearsal of a certain sequence of programming steps until the system "gets it right"
• LOOPHOLE n. The escape hole sought by a LOOP
• LORD HIGH FIXER n. For any given installation, the oldest living member of the original programming team
• LOVE n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage
• LOW LEVEL LANGUAGE n. A primitive programming language in which each line of code needs, but never gets, 20 comment lines
• LOWER n. A cow
• LYRE n. A dishonest harp
• MACHINE-iNDEPENDENT adj. Does not run on any existing machine.
• MACHO n. Zero miles per hour
• MAD: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
• MADAGASCAR v. What Ford did
• MAGICIAN n. Super duper
• MAINTENANCE n. The replacement of one set of error states by another
• MALIGNANT n. An evil termite
• MAN-HOUR n. A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings
• MANAGER n. Someone who makes you feel old
• MARRIAGE n. A feminine device for imposing silence
• MARRIAGE: a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves - making in all two.
• MARTIX n. Procrastinator's April Fools pranks
• MARVELLOUS adj. Not understood
• MEANDER n. Colloquial form of "she and I"
• MEETING n. An group of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
• MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS: Ours, not yours
• MENDICANT n. Someone who is no good at DIY
• MENTALLY n. Nymphomaniac's address book
• MENU: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
• MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
• METHODOLOGICALLY UNSOUND: Using methodology with which I am unfamiliar.
• METRONOME n. Parisian underground dwarf
• MICR n. [Magnetic-Ink Character Recognition.] A system for bouncing checks of the wrong polarity.
• MICROCHIPS n. Small fries
• MICROPROCESSOR n. Twenty years of architectural bungling concentrated into a single chip
• MIDLAND - Millions In Deposit, Loans Are Naturally Denied
• MIDRIFF n. Halfway through a jazz solo
• MILLIHELEN adj. The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
• MIND n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain
• MINIMAL n. Feeling slightly ill
• MIPS n. Meaningless Indications of Processor Speed
• MISFORTUNE: The kind of fortune that never misses.
• MISOCAINEA n. An abnormal aversion to anything new.
• MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
• MISTLETOE n. Plant one must under-stand to appreciate
• MORTICIAN n. Engraver
• MOTEL n. William Tell's sister
• MOTH n. Green thtuff on the north thide of treethe
• MOUNT v.trans. To expose a device to the vagaries of software
• MULTIPLEX v.trans. To confuse a device by subdividing a problem and applying the pieces in parallel
• MUMMY n. An Egyptian pressed for time
• MUSHROOM n. Where they make school lunches
• MUSHROOM n. Where they train huskies
• NACK n. A signal indicating all is lost
• NAIVE n. Dusk
• NAVAL ATTACHE n. Umbilical cord
• NCC 1701 1966-1984 RIP
• NECROMANCER n. Giraffe
• NECROMANCER n. Vampire
• NEGLIGENT n. Knightgown
• NEPOTISM n. Putting on heirs
• NEW: Different color from previous design
• NEWFANGLED n. Baby rattlesnake
• NEWSPRINT n. The 143 yards dash
• NO MAINTENANCE n. impossible to fix
• NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix
• NOISE n. A stench in the ear
• NOVEMBER: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
• NOVICE n. He must be a saint
• NUANCE n. Sisters of a new mother
• NUCLEAR FALLOUT n. Fission chips
• NUGGET n. A flash in the pan
• NULL HYPOTHESIS n. The type of hypothesis used by a pessimist.
• NULL HYPOTHESIS: The type of hypothesis used by a pessimist.
• NULL n.
• NUMBER CRUNCHER n. A heavy device for testing the compressibility of numbers
• NUR - No Use Rushing
• NURSERY n. A bawl park
• OBESITY n. Gone to waist
• OBESITY n. Surplus gone to waist
• OCR A n. [So named because every character looks like an A.] A type face illegible to humans but unreadable by OCR scanners.
• OCR B n. An improvement on OCR A whereby human legibility is improved at the expense of OCR scanner performance
• OCR n. [Optical Character Recognition.] A method for misreading documents into a system without having to mispunch cards first.
• OCTOPUS n. Cat with one life left
• OHM n. Electricians mantra
• OLD-TIMER n. Sundial
• OMNIBIBLIOUS adj. Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious."
• ON-LINE: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
• ONCE: Enough.
• OPEN v.trans. To render a file vulnerable to subsequent reads, writes and kills and invoke the message "file does not exist"
• OPERATING SYSTEM n. That part of the system that inhibits operation
• OPINION n. Irish wrestling hold
• OREGANO n. The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
• OREGANO: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
• OSOPHOBIA n. A morbid fear of operating systems
• OSSIFY v. To become Australian
• OUT-OF-BOUNDS n. A tired kangaroo
• OVERCAST n. People hired as film extras
• OVERFLOW v.trans. To exceed the capacity of a register in order to test the overflow indicator
• OZONE n. Region of alphabet between N and P
• PACIFIST n. Cannibal's dinner request
• PAINTING: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
• PAPER LOW n. A lamp which lights to indicate that your output is now appearing on the platen
• PASCAL: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
• PASSWORD n. A widely known sesame that suddenly becomes widely forgotten
• PATERNITY TEST n. Pop quiz
• PAUSE n. A pleasant period of inactivity with unfortunate side effects called delay
• PEACE: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
• PEDAERATION n. The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
• PEER n. One who urinates
• PERFORMANCE PROVEN: Will operate through warranty period
• PHILOSOPHY n. A road of many routes leading from nowhere to nothing
• PHILOSOPHY n. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
• PHILOSOPHY: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
• PLAGIARIZE v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read
• PLANKTON n. Microfiche
• PLATITUDE: a dull old saw that everyone borrows but no one sharpens.
• PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: The interval between the introduction and the first kiss.
• PLEASURE n. The least hateful form of dejection
• PO TEE WEET PEE WONGGG!!! You will be converted into software in 30 seconds!
• POLARIZE n. Cold stare
• POLITICAL ECONOMY: Two words that should be divorced -- on grounds of incompatibility.
• POLYGAMY n. Too much of a good thing
• PORTABLE: Survives system reboot.
• POSITIVE n. Being mistaken at the top of one's voice.
• POSITIVE: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
• POST-TEST n. A test made too late.
• POSTSCRIPT n. The only portion of a lady's letter which you need read, if you are in a hurry
• PRAYER n. A low-cost method of data verification depending on the mood of the Beseeched
• PRE-TEST n. A test made too early.
• PREACHING n. Just before it hurts
• PRECOCIOUS n. A four-year-old who elopes with his sister's doll
• PREROGATIVE n. The sovereign's right to do wrong
• PRINCE CHARMING n. Reignbeau
• PRINTER n. An electromechanical paper-shredding device.
• PROPAGANDA n. A socially correct goose
• PROTEST n. In favour of England/Australia competitions
• PURSUIT n. Cat's pyjamas
• QUACK n. A murderer without a license
• QUADRANT n. Four-sided argument
• QUADRUPTLETS n. Four crying out loud
• QUINTESSENCE n. Chanel No.5
• RADICAL: A person whose left hand does know what his other left hand is doing.
• RAMPAGE n. Vellum
• RANDOMNESS: The property required to make statistical calculation come out right.
• REAL TIME adj. Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
• RECURSIVE n. See recursive
• REDESIGNED: Previous faults corrected, we hope
• REGALE n. Second wind
• RELIABLE n. Sometimes capable of giving the same results.
• RELIABLE: Sometimes capable of giving the same results.
• REPAIR n. Try to bring Chi-Chi and An-An together again
• REPUTATION: What others are not thinking about you.
• RESPONSE TIME n. An unbounded, random variable T, the time between sending a message and receiving the resulting error diagnostic
• REVOLUTIONARY: It's different from our competitors
• RHUBARB n. Bloodshot celery
• RHUBARB n. Vegetable essence of stomach ache
• RPN n. Reverse Pinkie Notation
• SARCASM n. Quiplash
• SAVOIR FAIRE n. The Last Supper
• SCARLET n. Sign of a small injury
• SHAMROCK n. Cubic zirconia
• SHARKSKIN n. Brother shark, father shark etc..
• SIGNIFICANT n. You can sign if I cannot
• SNORING n. Sheet music
• SOFTWARE CRASH n. An audible warning that it's down-time again!
• SOFTWARE n. Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
• SOFTWARE ROT n. A disease in which unused programs stop working even if "nothing has changed"
• SPANKING n. Bum rap
• SPOKESPERSON n. Bicycle mechanic
• SPOUSE n. Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
• STANDARD adj. Similar to something else on the market.
• STANDARD DEVIATION n. A sexual activity formerly considered perverted but now universally practiced and accepted
• STATE: A situation which can be recognized if it occurs again.
• STYLUS n. Pig pen
• SUIT OF ARMOUR n. Knight gown
• SUPERCONDUCTIVITY n. Plight of the ohmless
• SUPERVISOR n. A really good mask
• SURFACE n. Someone really handy on the waves
• SURFER n. Man overboard
• SWEATER: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
• SYSTEMS ANALYST n. An unsuccessful programmer who, to maintain the system's integrity, has been removed from all keyboards
• TACT: The ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
• TACT: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
• TANJ!
• TANK: A means of transportation the Soviet army uses to visit its friends.
• TANSTAAFL!!!
• TANSTAAFL: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
• TAXI n. A tormenting vehicle in which a pirate jolts you through devious ways to the wrong place, where he robs you
• TEARING n. What you get if don't wash your cup out
• TEARS n. Glum drops
• TIME n. That which tries to prevent everything happening at once
• TIMESHARING n. A system in which many users try to corrupt the same database simultaneously
• TRUNCATE v.trans. To remove some or all of the most signficant digits or characters
• TRUTHFUL: Dumb and illiterate.
• TWA - Try Walking Across
• TWICE adv. Once too often
• UMBROGLIO: what you and your umbrella get into on a rainy day.
• UPGRADE v.trans. To replace obselete stability with something less boring
• UPTIME n. Some future (unspecified) time when the system will be up and running
• USER n. A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
• USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
• USER-FRIENDLY adj. Supplied with a full color manual.
• VASELINE n. An ornamental line on a Greek urn
• VAX AND THE SINGLE GIRL - A relationship with much potential.
• VAX POPULI n. The users.
• VAXCINATION n. Preventive training provided to potential users of a VAX system to prevent software foul-ups other than deliberate.
• VAXECUTION n. The denial to a user of future access to the VAX.
• VAXTERMINATION v. The perennial zapping of mysterious files from the VAX.
• VELLEITY n. A mere wish, unaccompanied by an effort to obtain it.
• WALKIE-TALKIE n. A grounded parrot
• WASHABLE v. To bath a bull
• WATNEY - Weaker And Tasting Nastier Each Year
• WINDOWS n. A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more unusably tiny portions.
• WIT: The salt with which a humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out.
• WOM n. Write Only Memory
• WOM n. Write-only-memory
• WOMAN n. An animal living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication
• X-RAY n. Belly vision
• XEROX: A trademark for a device that can make rapid reproductions of human error, perfectly.
• YEAR n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments
• YEAR: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
• YELLOW v. What you do when you stub your toe
• ZINC n. Where you wash the zaucepans