SATICHE - 0375

A pun is its own reword!

I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says " Why? I'm a fun guy"
A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here." The string goes outside, ties himself up, roughs up his head and goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same string who was just in here??" The string answers "No, I'm afraid not"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through - which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "da oily boid gets da woim"
"So, if I tie my serial communications cable into a knot, will that change the parity of the electrons?" "Of course it won't change. Recall that Yang and Lee got the Nobel Prize in '57 for showing that parity is knot-conserved."
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you alright?" "No I lost an electron!" "Are you sure" "I'm positive !"
"If you're not part of the solution, you must be part of the precipitate."
An electrician was out late one night and met his wife in the kitchen as he sneaked in the front door. His wife asked, "Wire ya insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to ya, I'm ohm, ain't I?"
Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards. After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!". The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses". Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?". The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?" Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously. Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
Did you hear about the Buddist who refused his dentist's novacane during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim. "Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"
Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.
Seven days without puns makes one weak.
Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant burglar that escaped from jail? The headlines in the newspaper read "Small Medium at Large"
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the spring.
What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.
Did you hear about the UC Berkeley parapsychology professor that had really bad breath? It was a case of supercalifornianmysticexperthalitosis
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Then there was the nymphomaniac from the south pacific who was always longing for samoa...
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's Fifth.
Tibetian housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my baking yak!"
Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Two peanuts were walking in Central Park, one was assaulted.
As the great Jedi English teacher was quoted in saying, "metaphors be with you."
If I hated my house and fell in love with my office building, would that be an edifice complex?
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!
Why couldn't the flower talk? It's problem stemmed from not having two lips!
She was only the moonshiners daughter, but I loved her still!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue. The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example. Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day. The custom grew and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.
There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe. One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe. The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
There were two ships...one had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned!
Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakerys. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat........ the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.
The Chief of an Indian tribe was named 'Shortcake'. He was highly regarded by all the members of his tribe and when he died, all the braves took him out to the burial grounds. They were all standing around with shovels getting ready to dig his grave. Just then, his wife came running up shouting, "Wait! Wait! Squaw bury Shortcake!"
A white man wandered into an Indian camp. He was greeted with much warmth and courtesy. In fact, the chief offered him the hand of one of his three daughters in marriage. He took him into a teepee and offered him his choice. There were two gorgeous girls, one sitting on a bearskin and the other on a mountain lion hide. There also was an ugly woman appropriately sitting on a hippopotamus skin. The white man picked her. The chief said, you can have your pick, you know. But the white guy insisted on the ugly one. The chief asked why."Because everyone knows that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides"
A lion was prancing through the jungle one day, roaring at the top of his voice for all to hear: "I am king of the jungle, for my mighty strength and lion-like prowess strikes fear into all other creatures!" An eagle lands on a nearby tree branch and says, "Not so fast, Leo buddy!" the eagle calls. "For it is *I* who is the rightful king of the jungle, as my wings enable me to attack from above, and my beak and talons rip my victims to shreds!" Whereupon a skunk walks calmly out of the trees. Approaching the ferocious feline and fearful flighted one, he meekly says, "You're BOTH wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight, I disable my would-be opponents most skillfully! Wanna sniff?" And the three animals engage in a heated argument over who is the rightful king of the jungle. While they argue, oblivious to their surroundings, a huge grizzly bear walks up and eats them all - hawk, lion, and stinker.
A manufacturer of electric light bulbs was talking to the owner of a theater. "I'd like to supply you with bulbs for your marquee," the manufacturer said, "and it won't cost you a penny. It will enable me to realize a lifelong ambition." "If I accept the free bulbs," the curious theater manager asked, "will you tell me about this ambition of yours?" "Certainly," the man said. "It's just that I've always dreamed of seeing my lights up in names!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
There were these members of a chess club all playing chess in an open entryway to their chess club building. two or three of them started bragging about how great they were at the game, when sudenly this other member got up, and threw them all out of the club. When asked why he did that he replied..."If there's one thing I cannot stand is CHESS NUTS BOASTING IN AN OPEN FOYER!!!"
The water went away and Noah threw open the doors and told the animals to go forth and multiply. As the animals left two snakes stopped by Noah and said, "We can't do that." "Do what?" Said Noah. "Multiply." said the snakes. "Why not?" Asked Noah. "Because we're Adders." Said the snakes. Noah called two of his sons over and told them to go cut down some trees and drag them over. The boy quickly felled the trees and brought them over to Noah. "Cut them up and build some tables," Noah told the boys. They went to work a quickly made the tables. Noah turned to the snakes and said, "Now you can do it, for even adders can multiply with log tables."
A frog enters a bank, looking for a loan. He approaches the loan officer, Patty Black, and makes his request known. Taken somewhat aback, she tells him they bank doesn't typically make loans to frogs. "But please," exclaims the frog, "I really need this loan." "Do you have any collateral?" asks Ms. Black. "Only this," he says. With that, the frog pulls from his pocket an object and hands it to Ms. Black. Not knowing what it was, but being too embarrassed to say so, she takes the object to the bank manager and explains about the frog and his request for a loan. "Sir, I don't even know what this is but it's all he has for collateral," she tells him. The manager takes the objects, looks at it for a moment, hands it back and tells her, "Why, it's a nick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"
The coast guard recently stopped a boat off the California coast that was loaded with marijuana. There was so much of the stuff that they were in a quandry as to how to dispose of it. Finally they located a company on the nearby shore that had a huge kiln with a tall chimney rising high into the sky and they made a deal with the owners to burn the hemp. For a time all went well, but suddenly a flock of birds flew right through the smoke pouring out of the top of the stack. As it turned out, these were terns that were native to the area and were endangered. So naturally, the environmentalists had to followe them to see what had happened. And of course, they discovered that NO TERN WAS LEFT UNSTONED.
A man and his wife are on vacation on a remote Caribbean island. The man is lying under a palm tree relaxing in the shade when his wife walks over. "Honey," she says, "let's go snorkeling now. There are many fascinating sea creatures for us to see." To this he replies, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"