Viruses
Latest information indicates that the following virusus (virii?) may be lurking in and around computers, especially those used in or near government facilities or controversial subjects. Caution is advised in working with any such computers.
- GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
- NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people mad just thinking about it.
- FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
- PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once by LAN. Twice if by C:.
- POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
- RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
- ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
- OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
- AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
- THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.
- ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
- DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning and child processes without joining into a binary network.
- GALLUP VIRUS: Sixy percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
- BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work properly again!)
- DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Ther is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
- TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it`s bigger than any other file.
- ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
- CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
- CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn`t allow the user to accomplish anything.
- AIRLINE VIRUS: You`re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
- FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
- ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls, service stations and fast food joints across rural America.
- OLIVER NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
- NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
- SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
- STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
- HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
- GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs.... No new files!" on the screen. It then proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
- LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."