Things I Learned From Action Movies

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• No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
• To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
• There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
• If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
• If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
• If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
• If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
• Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
• If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
• My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will ake it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
• When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
• If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
• If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
• If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
• If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
• If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
• If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
• Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.