HISTORICAL HEADLINES - The feeding of the five thousand
| Magicians Weekly: | DAVID COPPERFIELD UNVEILS GREAT NEW TUNA SANDWICH ILLUSION |
| Jewish Chronicle: | ARE GOLDFISH KOSHER? |
| Sun: | JESUS CHRIST ATE MY FISH |
| Observer: | 4998 VEGETARIANS LEFT HUNGRY |
| Daily Mirror: | WHERE'S THE KETCHUP? SHOUT PHARISEES |
| Financial Times: | ATTRACTIVE PROPERTY GAINS FOR MEEK FORECAST |
ROMAN FILM CLUB
Toga, Toga, Toga
Last Action Nero
Funny Gaul starring Barbarian Streisand
Viaduct Soup
Mad Maximus
Gladiator II - He's Baccus
Roller Ball and Remus
Rome Alone
Orgy and Bess with Caesar Minnelli
Hadrian's Wallstreet
| TIM | Good news - the pound is now worth $2.60. |
| GRAEME | Bad news - the dollar is now worth 3 cents. |
| WILLY | Good news - 3 cents is worth 3 Mongolian Yaks |
| BARRY | Bad news - the Mongolian Yak has been taken to the vet to be devalued. |
| TIM | Good news - the vet was James Herriot, and he's written a book about it. |
| GRAEME | Bad news - the book costs $2.60. |
| TIM | Good news - my picture was in the paper. |
| BARRY | Bad news - it was The Sun |
| WILLY | Good news - it's on Page 3. |
| GRAEME | Bad news - he's got his back to the camera. |
| TIM | Good news - you should see Page 4. |
| GRAEME | Good news - British television is the best in the world. |
| TIM | Bad news - this show's not on it. |
| BARRY | Good news - it's probably going to be. |
| WILLY | Bad news - it's definitely going to be. |
| GRAEME | Good news - there'll be some improvements. |
| TIM | Bad news - they're changing the cast. |
| BARRY | Good news - our team will be Jaqueline Bisset in a wet vest. |
| WILLY | Bad news - our team will be Graeme & Barry. |
| GRAEME | Good news - the chairman will be Robert Robinson. |
| TIM | Bad news - it always is. |
| WILLY | Good news - the Queen is listening to the programme. |
| BARRY | Bad news - she can have us all locked up in the tower. |
| TIM | Good news - since the Sex Discrimination Act, they've had to have female Beefeaters. |
| BARRY | Bad news - they can't join until their over fifty-five. |
| WILLY | Good news - that's not an age, it's a measurement. |
| WILLY | Good news - Racquel Welsh came into my bedroom last night. |
| GRAEME | Bad news - I wasn't there. |
| TIM | Good news - I was in Brigitte Bardot's bedroom. |
| BARRY | Bad news - she wasn't there. |
| WILLY | Good news - Jane Fonda was. |
| GRAEME | Bad news - so was Henry. |
| TIM | Good news - I've always fancied him. |
| HUMPH | I'm glad you stopped there....stopped on the brink. |
| TIM | Bad news - he's going into show business. |
| BARRY | Good news - as a human cannonball. |
| WILLY | Bad news - he's just been fired. |
| BARRY | Good news - there are going to be more show business personalities in the Honours List. |
| TIM | Bad news - Max Bygraves is going to be knighted. |
| GRAEME | Good news - now that we've leaked the news, he won't be. |
| WILLY | Bad news - he's going to be a peer instead. |
| BARRY | Good news - he's standing in the sea off Bournemouth. |
| TIM | Bad news - he's still singing. |
| GRAEME | Good news - that'll keep the oil tankers off the rocks. |
| WILLY | Bad news - Max has slipped his moorings and is drifting towards the Channel Islands. |
| BARRY | Good news - the R.A.F. are going to disperse him with tons of underarm deoderant. |
| TIM | Bad news - he's still singing. |
| GRAEME | Good news - he's bringing out a new LP, "Sink-along-a-Max". |
| WILLY | Good news - I bought a Chinese Takeaway meal last night. |
| BARRY | Bad news - before I could eat it, they took it away. |
| TIM | Good news - half an hour later, they brought it back. |
| GRAEME | Bad news - half an hour later, I brought it back. |
| WILLY | Good news - I then went to a German Takeaway. |
| BARRY | Bad news - I could only eat the food they ordered. |
| TIM | Good news - I went to an Irish Takeaway. |
| GRAEME | Bad news - they forgot to bring the food. |
| WILLY | Good news - I didn't want soup in a basket anyway. |
| BARRY | Bad news -I then went to a Russian Takeaway, and they took me away. |
| GRAEME | Good news - they've just invented a contraceptive pill for men. |
| TIM | Bad news - eight months gone and now he tells me !! |
| BARRY | Good news - I got a hamster for my birthday. |
| WILLY | Bad news - fried ! |
Well, as we rapidly approach the bus stop of the apocalypse, I notice that four horsemen have all come along at the same time. And, as the vanquished char-woman of time begins to shake-n-vac the shagpile of eternity, I notice that we have just run out of time.