New Theories

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• Gravity does not move in straight lines. It only appears so to an untrained eye. Gravity actually moves in cursive handwriting.
• The Earth has a second moon, The Noom, which is never visible because it is always rotating faster than the Earth so that we never see it because it's always beyond the horizon.
• Cats and dogs are single atoms. Cats are positive, dogs are negative, and fleas are the binding force.
• If you go several hours without blinking you'll die when your brain dries up and at the autopsy it'll look like a little raisin unless they put it in water immediately. (Matt McIrvin helped with this one.
• The heaviest known substance is soap suds, because enough of that foam could crush anything!
• It's only possible to eat four Morton pot pies in one lifetime. (Tom Dignan proved this experimentally. I wish him a speedy recovery.
• JFK was killed the hide the conspiracy to change the musical "A" to 448 cycles per second, a move designed to fool people into thinking that "different" notes sound different. Get real! They all sound the same to me, and someday you too will realize the truth.
• The galaxy was formed by a very slow process akin to claymation.
• On any multiple-choice test, more answers will be "C" than "A" because of the Coriolis Force, except in the Eastern Hemisphere.