"Who's On First" (Star Trek)
[Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty are huddled in a corridor near a transporter room, talking with one another, in the distance, Spock rounds a corner and heads toward the group.]
McCoy:Shh! He's coming! Scotty, go act like you're adjusting the transporter or something.
Scotty:Aye, Doctor.
Kirk:Ah, hello Mister Spock.
Spock:Good day, Captain.
Kirk:Are you familiar with the game "baseball," Mr Spock?
Spock:Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of four sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to deflect the object with a long wooden stick called a "bat," amidst loud verbalizations of "Hurrah" and "The umpire was paid off!" Is this correct?
Kirk:Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.
Spock:Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history . . . perhaps I may be of assistance.
Kirk:That's the idea.
Spock:Very well. Proceed.
Kirk:All right. Who's on first.
Spock:I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.
Spock:Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.
Kirk:No--Who's on first.
Spock:I do not know.
McCoy:Third base.
Spock:Who is?
Kirk:No--he's first base.
Spock:Who is?
Spock:Who is correct?
Spock:Who is sometimes?
Kirk:No, Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.
Spock:Whose identity?
Kirk:No, him I know--he's first baseman.
Spock:Who is?
Kirk:That's right.
Spock:Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
Spock:I said the second baseman.
Spock:This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked - who is the second baseman?
Kirk:No, you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
Spock:Very well. Captain, I ask you politely:who is the second baseman?
Kirk:No, Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
Spock:That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. "Who is the second baseman?", not "What is the second baseman?"
Kirk:Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.
Spock:That statement is most illogical.
Kirk:Wait a minute--we'll get Scotty. He's Scottish, he must love baseball. Oh, Mister Scott?
Scotty:(coming from the transporter room) Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk:Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
Scotty:Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!
Kirk:You see, Spock?
Spock:Yes . . . Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Very well. Mister Scott, who is the second baseman?
Scotty:Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!
Spock:I know that be what . . . er . . . is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.
Scotty:Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!
Spock:What has this got to do with field events?
Scotty:Ach! No! What's the second baseman!
Spock:Again, I note that a person should be referred to as "who" and not "what," Mister Scott.
Scotty:Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
Spock:What you are saying is most illogical.
Scotty:Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!
Spock:Who is a "real bright fella" Mister Scott?
Scotty:No! Who . . . now he's a real dope, sir!
Spock:Who is?
Spock:Captain, this is most illogical, and I do not feel as though we are getting anywhere. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of another player, such as the pitcher?
Spock:Tomorrow? If you are genuinely interested in this discussion, today would be much better.
McCoy:Well, Spock, Today *is* good, but he's the catcher.
Spock:Who is?
Scotty:Nay, Mr Spock--Who's the first baseman.
Spock:I do not know.
Kirk:Third base!
Kirk:No, he's on second.
Spock:Who is?
Kirk:No, Spock, Who's on first.
Spock:I do not know.
McCoy:Third base!
[This continues on for quite some time until finally we see a medical team in the corridor, gathered around Spock, who is bound in a straitjacket.]
Spock:(babbling incoherently) I don't know who what first base second base third base catcher pitcher today tomorrow I don't know . . .
Kirk:Bones, do you think maybe we went too far this time?