| McCoy: | Shh! He's coming! Scotty, go act like you're adjusting the transporter or something. |
| Scotty: | Aye, Doctor. |
| Kirk: | Ah, hello Mister Spock. |
| Spock: | Good day, Captain. |
| Kirk: | Are you familiar with the game "baseball," Mr Spock? |
| Spock: | Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of four sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to deflect the object with a long wooden stick called a "bat," amidst loud verbalizations of "Hurrah" and "The umpire was paid off!" Is this correct? |
| Kirk: | Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth. |
| Spock: | Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history . . . perhaps I may be of assistance. |
| Kirk: | That's the idea. |
| Spock: | Very well. Proceed. |
| Kirk: | All right. Who's on first. |
| Spock: | I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir. |
| Kirk: | So? |
| Spock: | Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy. |
| Kirk: | No--Who's on first. |
| Spock: | I do not know. |
| McCoy: | Third base. |
| Spock: | Who is? |
| Kirk: | No--he's first base. |
| Spock: | Who is? |
| Kirk: | Correct. |
| Spock: | Who is correct? |
| Kirk: | Sometimes. |
| Spock: | Who is sometimes? |
| Kirk: | No, Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity. |
| Spock: | Whose identity? |
| Kirk: | No, him I know--he's first baseman. |
| Spock: | Who is? |
| Kirk: | That's right. |
| Spock: | Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman. |
| Kirk: | What. |
| Spock: | I said the second baseman. |
| Kirk: | What. |
| Spock: | This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked - who is the second baseman? |
| Kirk: | No, you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman. |
| Spock: | Very well. Captain, I ask you politely: | who is the second baseman? |
| Kirk: | No, Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman. |
| Spock: | That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. "Who is the second baseman?", not "What is the second baseman?" |
| Kirk: | Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman. |
| Spock: | That statement is most illogical. |
| Kirk: | Wait a minute--we'll get Scotty. He's Scottish, he must love baseball. Oh, Mister Scott? |
| Scotty: | (coming from the transporter room) Aye, Cap'n? |
| Kirk: | Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about. |
| Scotty: | Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way! |
| Kirk: | You see, Spock? |
| Spock: | Yes . . . Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Very well. Mister Scott, who is the second baseman? |
| Scotty: | Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about! |
| Spock: | I know that be what . . . er . . . is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about. |
| Scotty: | Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event! |
| Spock: | What has this got to do with field events? |
| Scotty: | Ach! No! What's the second baseman! |
| Spock: | Again, I note that a person should be referred to as "who" and not "what," Mister Scott. |
| Scotty: | Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock! |
| Spock: | What you are saying is most illogical. |
| Scotty: | Ach! No! What's a real bright fella! |
| Spock: | Who is a "real bright fella" Mister Scott? |
| Scotty: | No! Who . . . now he's a real dope, sir! |
| Spock: | Who is? |
| Scotty: | Right! |
| Spock: | Captain, this is most illogical, and I do not feel as though we are getting anywhere. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of another player, such as the pitcher? |
| Kirk: | Tomorrow. |
| Spock: | Tomorrow? If you are genuinely interested in this discussion, today would be much better. |
| McCoy: | Well, Spock, Today *is* good, but he's the catcher. |
| Spock: | Who is? |
| Scotty: | Nay, Mr Spock--Who's the first baseman. |
| Spock: | I do not know. |
| Kirk: | Third base! |
| Spock: | What? |
| Kirk: | No, he's on second. |
| Spock: | Who is? |
| Kirk: | No, Spock, Who's on first. |
| Spock: | I do not know. |
| McCoy: | Third base! |
|
| [This continues on for quite some time until finally we see a medical team in the corridor, gathered around Spock, who is bound in a straitjacket.] |
|
| Spock: | (babbling incoherently) I don't know who what first base second base third base catcher pitcher today tomorrow I don't know . . . |
| Kirk: | Bones, do you think maybe we went too far this time?
|