| Symptom: | Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet. |
| Fault: | Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. |
| Solution: | Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
|
| Symptom: | Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear. |
| Fault: | Glass is empty. |
| Solution: | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
|
| Symptom: | Feet cold and wet. |
| Fault: | Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
| Solution: | Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. |
|
| Symptom: | Feet warm and wet. |
| Fault: | Loss of self-control. |
| Solution: | Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. |
|
| Symptom: | Bar blurred. |
| Fault: | You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. |
| Solution: | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
|
| Symptom: | Bar swaying. |
| Fault: | Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. |
| Solution: | Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
|
| Symptom: | Bar moving. |
| Fault: | You are being carried out. |
| Solution: | Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. |
|
| Symptom: | The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. |
| Fault: | You have fallen over backwards. |
| Solution: | If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. |
|
| Symptom: | Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. |
| Fault: | You have fallen over forwards. |
| Solution: | Same as for falling over backwards. |
|
| Symptom: | You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. |
| Fault: | You have spent the night in the gutter. |
| Solution: | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. |
|
| Symptom: | Everything has gone dim. |
| Fault: | The pub is closing. |
| Solution: | PANIC !!!!! |