Heavy Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide
Symptom:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.
Fault:Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution:Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault:Glass is empty.
Solution:Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom:Feet cold and wet.
Fault:Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution:Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom:Feet warm and wet.
Fault:Loss of self-control.
Solution:Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom:Bar blurred.
Fault:You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution:Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom:Bar swaying.
Fault:Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution:Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom:Bar moving.
Fault:You are being carried out.
Solution:Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom:The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault:You have fallen over backwards.
Solution:If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom:Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault:You have fallen over forwards.
Solution:Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom:You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault:You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution:Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom:Everything has gone dim.
Fault:The pub is closing.
Solution:PANIC !!!!!