A "Personals" Ad From The Pentagon
ENEMY WANTED -- Mature, lonely, North American superpower seeks hostile-sounding and muscular-looking but internally moribund nation for international competitive bluster, mutual threat inflation, political-military gymnastics, and general bellicose finger pointing. Looking to fill post-Cold War ennui and lost missile envy. Scare-mongers who relish dogmatic confrontation, able to appear 10 feet tall, and willing to build real and imaginary mirror image weapon systems need only apply. Must appear sufficiently menacing to frighten more money and previous Cold War-era weapon systems out of Congress, but must threaten only opponent's marginal interests, and must not present any real intellectual challenge. Accompaniment by fierce, Third World allies who know how to fight is also not desirable. Oafish, senile leaders definitely a plus. Possession of large, phallic ballistic missiles (large throw weight only), and/or chem-bio also a plus--willful violations of feckless arms control agreements will earn continuing thanks. Location: preferably near enough to threaten petroleum and trade markets to ensure perpetual business as usual.
Reply with videos of goose-stepping troops, parade-optimized tank battalions, U.S. flag burnings, chanting, dazed eyed crowds, and haranguing, incoherent speeches. Send c/o "Shali," The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. Please no publicity shy competents or third world nations that have previously embarrassed advertiser.