| I'm going fishing. | I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety. |
| Let's take your car. | Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas. |
| Woman driver. | Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me. |
| I don't care what color you paint the kitchen. | As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white. |
| It's a guy thing. | There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. |
| Can I help with dinner? | Why isn't it already on the table? |
| Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear. | Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. |
| Good idea. | It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating. |
| Have you lost weight? | I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill. |
| My wife doesn't understand me. | She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them. |
| It would take too long to explain. | I have no idea how it works. |
| I'm getting more exercise lately. | The batteries in the remote are dead. |
| I got a lot done. | I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture. |
| We're going to be late. | Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac. |
| Hey, I've read all the classics. | I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972. |
| You cook just like my mother used to. | She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too. |
| I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind. | I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra. |
| Take a break, honey, you're working too hard. | I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. |
| That's interesting, dear. | Are you still talking? |
| Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love. | I forgot our anniversary again. |
| You expect too much of me. | You want me to stay awake. |
| It's a really good movie. | It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear. |
| That's women's work. | It's difficult, dirty, and thankless. |
| Will you marry me? | Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter. |
| Go ask your mother. | I am incapable of making a decision. |
| You know how bad my memory is. | I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday. |
| I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses. | The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe. |
| Football is a man's game. | Women are generally too smart to play it. |
| Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal. | I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt. |
| I do help around the house. | I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket. |
| Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing. | And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon. |
| I can't find it. | It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless. |
| What did I do this time? | What did you catch me at? |
| What do you mean, you need new clothes? | You just bought new clothes 3 years ago. |
| She's one of those rabid feminists. | She refused to make my coffee. |
| But I hate to go shopping. | Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse. |
| No, I left plenty of gas in the car. | You may actually get it to start. |
| I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys. | I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions. |
| I heard you. | I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me. |
| You know I could never love anyone else. | I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse. |
| You look terrific. | Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving. |
| I brought you a present. | It was free ice scraper night at the ball game. |
| I missed you. | I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper. |
| I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are. | No one will ever see us alive again. |
| We share the housework. | I make the messes, she cleans them up. |
| This relationship is getting too serious. | I like you more than my truck. |
| I recycle. | We could pay the rent with the money from my empties. |
| Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. | Oh, man, what have you done to yourself? |
| It sure snowed last night. | I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now. |
| It's good beer. | It was on sale. |
| I don't need to read the instructions. | I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help. |
| I'll fix the garbage disposal later. | If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one. |
| I'll take you to a fancy restaurant. | Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window. |
| I broke up with her. | She dumped me. |