Late Arrivals at the Ball
The BBC Ball
- All the way from Israel, Mr & Mrs Ook-at-Bedtime, and their grandson, Abe Ook-at-Bedtime.
- from Sweden, Lars Ofthesummerwine
- Get ready to cheer Mr & Mrs Ory, and their hermaphrodite child, Jack Anne Ory.
- here's Carla Television, with the Hertz family - Killa & Megga
- Here's Mr & Mrs Britain, and their son, Brian F. Britain, their daughter, Ronda Britain Quiz, their illegitimate son, Master Mind, and their Israeli friend, Topol de Form.
- here's that well known salad enthusiast, Alastair Cooke, with his Lettuce from America
- Look, there's Ann Ouncer!!
- Mr & Mrs Bennettnotanotherpartypoliticalbroadcast, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Britain, & their son, Brian F., their daughter Rhonda Britain-Quiz, the illigitimate son, Master Mind, and their friend from Israel, Topol de Form
- Mr & Mrs Clock-News, and their daughter, Nina Clock-News.
- Mr & Mrs ITV-for-Godsake, & their son, a Sherlock Holmes fan, Watson
- Mr & Mrs New, & their children, Gloria, Humphrey, Fred, Arbuthnot, Jessica and little baby Jonathan New - that is the end of the News, with their friend, Anne Finally
- Mr & Mrs Ory, & their hermaphroditic child, Jack Anne
- Mr & Mrs Ouncer, & their daughter, Ann
- Mr & Mrs Pie, & their daughter, Meg
- Mr & Mrs Pythonsflyingcircus, & their son, Andrew
- Mr & Mrs Questions, & their daughter, Annie
- Mr & Mrs Servicewillberesumedassoonaspossible, & their daughter, Norma
- Mr & Mrs Sorryihaventaclue, & their son, from Israel, Hyam
- Mr & Mrs Swirled, & their daughter, Tamara
- Mr & Mrs Swirled, and their daughter, Tamara Swirled.
- Mr & Mrs Tin, & their aggressive, nasty announcer son, News 'Bully' Tin
- Mr & Mrs Tin, and their aggressive son, News "Bully" Tin.
- Mr & Mrs Wide, & their son, Nathan
- Mr & Mrs Yourway, & their daughter, Dawn
- Oh, I hear the drunken viking, Lars Of-the-Summer-Wine.
- Oh, there's Freddie Night-is-Music-Night!
- There's the Hertz family, with their daughters, Killa and Megga.
The Musicians' Ball
- Will you welcome, please, Bill Oddie, and his son, Mel Oddie.
- From Sweden, Mr & Mrs Night-of-the-Proms, and their son, Lars Night-of-the-Proms.
- Will you welcome, Mr & Mrs Tone, and their son, Barry Tone, and his man Dolin, who's a bit of a liar.
- Will you greet the arrival of Mr & Mrs Harmonic Orchestra, and their son, Phil Harmonic Orchestra.
- And Albert Hall.
- Mr & Mrs Uendo, and their stupid son, dim Ian Uendo.
- That music revolutionary, Che Mber Music.
- Please welcome Mr and Mrs Bourneand their son, Glyn accompanied by the Rgt Hon Lord and Lady Operahouse and their son Sidney.
- Senor & Senora Pani and their son Tim with his fiance Clara Nette
- Lord and Lady Bayes-Drumm and their nephews, Lords Bayes-Ghittar and Dubble-Bayes
- Mr and Mrs Ollo and their son Pik.
- All the way from Ireland,Mr and Mrs O'Lin and theirlevely daughter, Vi.
- The Quaver family and their precosious offspring hemi, demi, semi
- There is Clara Nette's sister Casta.
- We have the lovely Mrs Bone, and her secret lover Tom.
- Mr. & Mrs Sichord, and their mute son, Harpo.
- Mr & Mrs Ayegeestring, and there son Earon
- And will you welcome Mr & Mrs Ube, and their pornographer son, the blue Dan Ube.
- And finally, welcome from Ireland, the O'Lyns, and their daughter, Vi O'Lyn.
The Vicars' Ball
- Welcome to Mr & Mrs Collar, and their son, Doug Collar.
- Also here tonight is the Rt. Hon. Charles Ismaeshepherd, and his father, the Lord Ismaeshepherd.
- Mr & Mrs Nod, and their son, Si Nod.
- A strange couple from the church: an abbot and a beadle, who've formed an unholy alliance to produce Beadle's Abbot.
- Will you also greet Jenny Fleckt, Dai O'Sease, and Ann Glican-Church.
- Cabaret time: A parade of knickerless parsons. They're all standing in a line, they'll get a queue-rate! Good job, I brought my rev counter.
- Mr & Mrs Meek, and their saintly son, blessed Arthur Meek.
- Also, Mr & Mrs Ation-of-the-Magi, and their son, Theodore Ation-of-the-Magi.
- Stand and greet Mr & Mrs Rendeth-the-lesson, and their son, Andy Rendeth-the-lesson.
- And finally, Mr & Mrs Ment, and their newt Esther Ment.
The Drunks' Ball
- Welcome Mr & Mrs Tasanute, and their son, Piers Tasanute.
- Oh, there's Mr & Mrs Notheroneplease, and their son, Oliver Notheroneplease.
- All the way from South America, Mr & Mrs Over-the-Eight, and their son, Juan Over-the-Eight.
- Oh dear, there's Duncan Disorderly wth Wild Bill Hiccup.
- Mr & Mrs Tonic, and their daughter, Jean Ann Tonic.
- Please welcome Arthur Bitter,and his daughter mild Ann Bitter.
- Those enthusiastic clairvoyants, Mr & Mrs Dry Sherry, the medium Dry Sherrys.
- Camp ‘arry and his caustic friend, dry Ginger.
- All the way from Scotland, Angus Dura Bitters.
- Mr & Mrs Sot, & their daughter who won't get out of the cab, in-taxi-Kate
- a distinguished guest from the Court of King Arthur, Sir Osis of the Liver
- from Italy, Mr & Mrs Policello, & their daughter, Val, along with the Teeny family - Mr & Mrs Teeny and their lovely mother, sweet Ma Teeny
- it's cabaret time - with the medium, Drysherry
- from Sweden, Mr & Mrs Tortoiseplease, & their son, Lars
- Mr & Mrs Kneespale, & their son, Watt
The Criminals' Ball
- Please welcome Mr & Mrs Harm, and their Greek singer son, Grivas Bo Diddley Harm.
- Oh there's Ma Kurst, and her husband, Pa Kurst.
- And there's Mal Practice.
- All the way from Australia, welcome, Mr & Mrs Krobbery, and their son, Ben Krobbery.
- Mr & Mrs Cused and their daughter, Thea Cused.
- All the way from Sweden, Mr & Mrs Eny, and their son, Lars Eny.
- Mr & Mrs Ness, and their amusing son, Wit Ness.
- And in the corner, Mr & Mrs Decent-Exposure, and their son, Ian Decent-Exposure.
- Just arriving are Mr & Mrs Curity-Wing, and their daughter, Topsy Curity-Wing.
- And finally, Mr & Mrs Meanour, and their foul daughter, Diana, who is known as the foul Miss D. Meanour.
- from Italy, Mr & Mrs Blimeyitsafaircopandnomistakeguv, & their daughter, Cora
- all the way from France, the famous courtesan, Madame Fifi, followed by her lovers, the Count of Monte Cristo, the Count of Aragon, the Count of Versailles, and she would like fifteen other Counts to be taken into consideration
- Mr & Mrs Decent-Exposure, & their flasher son, Ian
The Policeman's Ball
- Mr and Mrs Tective and their daughter Dee Tective.
- And all the way from the Middle East, Mr and Mrs Robbery and their son, Ahmed Robbery.
- From Israel, Mrs and Mrs Prisonment and their son, Lyfim Prisonment.
- And from France, Mr and Mrs Twentyfore and their son, Pier Twentyfore.
- Mrs and Mrs Witch and their son, Jameson Witch.
- Mr and Mrs Light and their daughter B. Lou Light.
- And please welcome Mr and Mrs Peed and their son, X. S. Peed.
- Mr and Mrs Disorderly and their son, Duncan Disorderly.
- Mr and Mrs Banks and their son Robin Banks.
- Mr and Mrs Crash and their son, Carl Crash.
- Now from Stockholm, Mr and Mrs Senny and their son, Lars Senny.
- Mr and Mrs Talaccident and their daughter Fay Talaccident.
- From Rumania, Mr and Mrs Galdrug and their son, Illy Galdrug.
- And from New York, Mr and Mrs Yaitch and their son, Abe Yaitch.
- Mr and Mrs Ticket and their Royal Pa, King Ticket.
- Now from Wales, Mr and Mrs Quarden and their son, Trefor Quarden.
- The Honourable Justice Once.
- Mr and Mrs Neenah and their daughter, Nina Neenah.
- Mr and Mrs Handler and their son, Doug Handler.
- Mr and Mrs Ovcrime and their son, Vic Tim Ovcrime.
- Mr and Mrs Alparxpolice and their son, Roy Alparxpolice.
- And arriving by underground train are Mr and Mrs Tanpolice and their daughter Metro Polly Tanpolice.
- Mr and Mrs Tedmurder and their son, Adam Tedmurder.
- From Aberystwyth, Mr and Mrs Doughlox and their son, Wynn Doughlox.
- Mr and Mrs Bullcrime and their son, Terry Bullcrime.
- From Dublin, Mr and Mrs Stabularydutiestobedone and their son Connor Stabularydutiestobedone.
- Mr and Mrs Fulobstruction and their son, Willy Fulobstruction.
- Mr and Mrs Collar and their daughter, Ophelia Collar.
- Please welcome Mr and Mrs Tificbranch and their religious son, Zion Tificbranch.
- Mr and Mrs Eestation and their son, Paul Eestation.
- All the way from Germany, Mr and Mrs Cuff and their son, Hans Cuff.
- Mr and Mrs Tercyclecop and their son, Mo Tercyclecop.
- From Paris, Mr and Mrs Witnessit and their son, Didier Witnessit.
- Now from Latvia, Mr and Mrs Ibbleoffence and their son Orest Ibbleoffence.
- And finally, please welcome Mr Teapoundfine and his identical twin Teapoundfine.
The Doctors' Ball
- From Ireland, will you welcome Dermot Ologist, Mike Rosurgery, Eamonn The-Sick-List, and Sean Parts.
- Mr & Mrs Sthetic and their daughter, Anna Sthetic, and her Auntie Septic.
- From Wales, Dai Agnosis, Wyn de Tum, and Morgan Transplant.
- Oh look, there's Sue Pository (She's gone up in the world)
- Mr & Mrs Enema, and their son, Barry Enema, with Reggie Strar and Des Infectant.
- And please welcome, Mr & Mrs Roids, and their daughter, Emma Roids.
- Here come the Appliances, and their son, Sir Jeckyl Appliances.
- From Scandanavia, Lars Toeplast.
- And his pet hippo, Craticus !
- Here comes Sue Pository
- Over the way, we have the Silitis family, with their son Tom Silitis, along with Mr Arthur Attack, known to his mates as Art Attack
- Here's the African male nurse Lance M'Boil
- And it's A. Pron.
- And Tim Ward has just turned up in jeans - a Casual T. Ward.
- There's Doctor Watson nursing Holmes, he's talking to Sir Gerry Hours and Prof. E. Lactic.
- Cabaret Time: Dame Kiri Opodist.
- And finally, will you welcome Mr & Mrs Zines-in-the-waiting-room, and their 10-year old daughter, Maggie Zines-in-the-Waiting-Room.
The Vets' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Sation, and their son, Al Sation.
- Be upstanding, please, for her worship the mare.
- Mr & Mrs Hasonehump, and their musician son, Drummer Derry Hasonehump.
- Please welcome Mr & Mrs Bees and their twin sons, Wally Bees and Ray Bees.
- Will you please welcome, Mr & Mrs Yancats and their son, Perce Yancats.
- Oh, there's George Shearing, and his wife, Sheep.
- And Mr & Mrs Russell Terrier, and their son, Jack!!
- Will you welcome please, before anyone brings them in, Mr & Mrs Malhusbandry, and their daughter, Annie Malhusbandry.
- And finally, Mr & Mrs Wobbles, and their dog, Collie Wobbles.
- from Australia, Mr & Mrs Matosis, & their daughter, Mitzi, and her chum, Anne Thrax
- Mr & Mrs Clarethisanimalunfittorun, & their daughter, Ida
- Mr & Mrs Pottomus, & their drop-out son, the hippy Pottomus
- Mr & Mrs Russell-Terrier, & their son, Fred
- Mr & Mrs Esection, & their daughter, Viv
The School Teachers' Ball
- Please welcome Mr & Mrs Bus, and their rather oblique daughter, Rhom Bus, and all the way from Liverpool, their singing daughter, Cilla Bus.
- Mr & Mrs Bra, and their son, Algy.
- Will you line up in rank to welcome Mr & Mrs Education, with their soldier son, Private Education, and his friend, Corporal Punishment.
- There's Mr & Mrs Matics, and their posh daughter, Martha Matics.
- Mr & Mrs Nometry, and their horse, Trigger Nometry.
- And next to them are Mr & Mrs Masters-Sudy, and their son, Ed Masters-Study.
- Mr & Mrs Bun, and their pyromaniac son, known as the Buns' son "Burner".
- In the corner, there's Mr & Mrs Tron, and their stern daughter, May Tron.
- And finally, from Greece, Mr & Mrs Beta-Gamma-Delta-Epsilon, and their son, Alfie Beta-Gamma-Delta-Epsilon.
- Mr & Mrs Nasticdisplay, & their son, Jim
- Mr & Mrs Tation, & their son, Dick
- Mr & Mrs Tronsabitofagoer, & their lovely daughter, May
- Mr & Mrs Cateof-Education, & their distinguished miltary son, General Sir Tiffy
The Artists' Ball
- Will you welcome please, all the way from the States, Mr & Mrs Trait, and their father Por Trait.
- Here we have the great painter, Walter Colours.
- From Turkey, the Turk Wasi Blue.
- And over there we have people dressed up as parcels and letters - they're post-impressionists.
- Roaring in on a motorbike, Easel Kneasel, with his pal, Ette.
- Mr & Mrs Cturist, and their daughter, Carrie Cturist, with her peke, Asso.
- And finally, ladies and gents please welcome Two-Loos Lautrec, with his driver, Van Gogh.
- Before the grand draw takes place, the Mayor will ignite the bonfire; this is marked in your programmes as the Pre-Raffle Light
- The raffle will be drawn by Renny Sance and Len Scape
- Mr & Mrs Ist, & their son Edward Lionel, who was recently knighted, Sir E.L. Ist
- Mr & Mrs Tomicaldrawing, & their daughter, Anna, with their Peke, Asso
The Booksellers' Ball
- Please welcome, Mr & Mrs Ding-Library, and their son, Len Ding-Library.
- Mr & Mrs Sellers, and their daughter, Bess Sellers, whose just had her appendix removed.
- Raptures of delight if you will, for Mr & Mrs Scabin, and their uncle Tom Scabin.
- And with them, are Mr & Mrs Teasfalcon, and their daughter, Moll Teasfalcon.
- Here on a day trip from France, Mr & Mrs Two-Cities, and their bombastic son, Atilla Two-Cities.
- Sliding by almost unnoticed, Mr & Mrs Shonary, and their diminutive student son, shorter Oxford Dick Shonary.
- Oh look, there are the Flets', with their daughter, Pam Flets.
- Leaping through the door, Mr & Mrs Malfarm, and their daughter, Annie Malfarm.
- And finally, all the way from France, Mr & Mrs Miserables, and their son, Les.
- Mr & Mrs Cape, & their magnificent daughter, the great Tess
- Mr & Mrs Shonary, & their diminutive student son, the shorter Oxford Dick
- Mr & Mrs Zeen, & their disgusting daughter, Margaret, known to everyone as dirty Maggie
- Mr & Mrs Twocities, & their marauding bombastic son, Attila
- Unfortunately Mr Baggers & his carp will not be with us tonight - the carp ate Baggers
The Language Teachers Ball
- The first guest is here already... and it's my old friend Stuart Dent
- There's Mrs Chair, And Mr Chair. Terry, And Tracy. The T. Chairs.
- Followed closely by Lynne Gwist
- And I believe this is Welsh linguist, Dai Lingual.
- Pray silence for Grandfather Syntax, and his dear wife Grammar Ann Syntax
- I didn't want to invite the Ation family, but others were pro-Nancy Ation
- Miss Jane Tudent has arrived, but she tells me that she's recently changed her name, making her an Ex-Jane Tudent
- Please welcome Mr and Mrs Shun. Their son John is detained at her Majesty's pleasure, so Con John Shun can't be here tonight.
- We have a call for a Mr Richard Lension -- also known as Dick Lension
- But Mr Ickle is here, with his son Arthur - commonly known as Art Ickle.
- It's Cabaret time! (C) Barry Cryer Please welcome Doris Stokes trying to contact Mr. Participle, making him a past Participle.
- Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Dee Clension
- Please Welcome Mr and Mrs Cherten, their children, cousins, Aunts, and Uncles. Yes, there's quite a few Chertens.
- Mr Participle has been contacted- yes, he's here- he's a present Participle now.
- And here's Richard Shunnery - or, for short, Dick Shunnery
- Barging in and acting like she owns the place, Ms. Jennifer Alice Tiff-Case, i.e.Jen A. Tiff-Case
- And just entering via the chimney is the one and only Santa Claus and his little helper, Subordinate Claus
- And here's Mr. and Mrs. Derr, and their daughter, Jen Derr.
- And then there is her husband Mask Kulin
- The comes the rather snobbish Mr Trohpy, making him A Posh Trophy
- And here comes old Albert Ferbett, known to one and all as Al Ferbett
- And little Sammy Colon has just shown up as well.
- Ah, I see Mask's sister, Fay Menin has arrived.
- And Sgt. Major Graf of the Parachute regiment, known to all his friends as Para Graf.
- Why, it's Mr. Hannibal Ryting, or Han Ryting as he prefers to be called.
- And here are Mr. & Mrs. Isk, and their daughter Aster.
- And here are the Glotts and their daughter Polly.
- Well, here's a surprise, the two people you never expected to see again in the same place, Mr and Ms. (recently split) infinitive.
- {deep breath} Welcome, please, the world's first Indian Jew with the orange hair... yes you, you Punk Jew, Asian Mark!
- Introducing Simon Nonym, known to his friends as Si
- Here's my mother's sister Nym, she's my Aunty Nym, sometimes she does a bad thing: a sin o'Nym, and her gay brother is of course homo Nym
The Morticians' Ball
- as always, first to arrive...premature Beryl
- A party here from the Wild West, Derdge City - Hearse Cartwright, Gene Mortuary, and Roy Rogers with his horse, Trigger Mortis.
- Will you welcome, a spluttering gentleman from Wales, Dai Thedeath, who appears to be having a coffin fit.
- Mr & Mrs Stover, and their father, Pa Stover.
- Also, Mr & Mrs Vault, and their agricultural son, Farmer Lee Vault.
- Daddy & Mummy Fied.
- From the West Country, Eliza Body.
- Welcome the Gee sisters, Ella Gee and Ula Gee.
- Cabaret Time: Tomb Jones singing "The Last Vaults".
- From Australia, welcome the grave-faced, Digger Pit.
- And finally, from Sweden, Lars Rights and Lars Post.
- from Scotland - Lord Wreath
- also from Wales - that cheerful soul, Happy Taff, & his brother who's prone to laxatives, Senna Taff, with their friend Ed Stone
- Harry Secombe's gossiping in the corner - Oh! Bitch you 'Arry!
- from Scotland - a crazy stone carver - Mon, your mental man! - he's just had to inter Flora
- Mr & Mrs Vault, & their agricultural son, farmer Lee
- from the West Country, Eliza Body, & an old soul known as Wi'am - he's looking rough - we call him the wreck Wi'am. He trims the grass in the cemetery - he's just crept into the crypt, cropped & crept out again!
- Alec Douglas-Exhume
- Mr & Mrs Beloved, & their daughter, Dilly
- Good grief! Please welcome a highly unusual sight - Mike Atherton with the ashes!
- Mr & Mrs Mortis, & their dyslexic son, Roger
- from Italy, Signor & Signora Droppadabox, & their daughter, Donna
- here's Neil, the putrefactic son of Mr & Mrs Realpyre - Phew!, Neil Realpyre
- Mr & Mrs Reaper, & their son, Graeme, & he's brought his whore, Topsy
- from Wales, Mr & Mrs Jones, & their cheeful son, happy Taff
- Mr & Mrs Balmingfluid, & their daughter, Emma
- the aristocrats are arriving now - Lord Reith, with Earl Fire & Dame Nation
- it's cabaret time - the Chinese Stripper clad only in bra & sandals, Glee Ming, known to us all as Glee Ming Bra Sandals
- Mr & Mrs Dictory (they've come in separate cars - his & hearse), & their daughter, Val E.
- Dr Jekyll & Mr Formaldehyde
- Mr & Mrs Missed, & their mournful son, sad Lee
The Film Ball
- Here comes Mr and Mrs Ging Bull and their son, Ray.
- Oh, is that the loveley Welsh singer Mrs Hardwithavenganceand her husband Dai?
The Insurance Ball
- Okay, we're getting the same gags twice now.How about the Insurance Person's Ball? The first arrival is Paul Icy.
- Good grief! Doctor Kildare over there just started talking about a black guy! I hope, Doc, you meant "Asian"!
- And the first really obvious guest, it's Polly Cee.
- And pleas welcome the Trappist monk, Brother Kerr, known to his friends as Bro Kerr
- Right! Applause please for the famous Irish family, Mr & Mrs Mitty and their son... I think this is going to work... it's Dubl-in Den Mitty
The Depressed Ball
- The obvious arrival of Sue E. Side.
- Soon to be man and wife, it's the hilarious Alastair and his lovely girlfriend- please welcome Chronic Ally, Dee Pressed.
- Oh, I don't know... look, here comes Mr Y.D.U. Allhateme
- And it's Zac. He's a truly professional man, yes, he's Pro Zac
- Please welcome, all the way from China, Mo Ping.
- Here's Tom the transsexual. Dresed en femme tonight -- Tom As A Pam.
- It's MR. and Mrs. Todie and their son, Ivan Todie
- Well, we all expected the Tillitties to be out in force, but there seems to be very Few Tilitty family members about.
- And here comes the unfortunately named Aidan T. Care
- Here's the unmarried Ellen Rowena Able: Miss E R Able
- And what about Miss Madeleine Ness, otherwise known as Mad Ness.
Radio Ball
- from Scotland - Mr & Mrs Yours, & their rather overstretched son, Ewan
- Mr & Mrs Dwomanshour, & their diminutive son, wee Ken
- Mr & Mrs Ningfigures, & their acrobatic daughter, the tumbling Liz Mr & Mrs Theweek, & their Russian son, Pikov
- Mr & Mrs Nightismusicnight, & their rather posh son, Freddie
- Mr & Mrs Minute, & their son, Chester
- Mr & Mrs Ertislanddiscs, & their son, Des
- from Wales - Mr & Mrs Eptionsterrible, & their son, Rhys
- from Manchester - Mr & Mrs Ookatbedtime, & their son, Abe
- Mr & Mrs Diofour, & their son, Ray
- Mr & Mrs Bennettwhenwilltheystopmuckingaboutwiththeschedules, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Twave-Radio, & their son, Shaw
Countryman's Ball
- Mr & Mrs Eticallymodifiedcrops, & their daughter, Jean
- Mr & Mrs Badgertoday, & their daughter, Freda
- Mr & Mrs Youleavethesheepalone, & their son, Ken
- from Germany - Herr & Frau Gidiot, & their son, Villy
- also from Germany - Frau Coursing, & her totally unnecessarily cruel husband, Herr Coursing
- Mr & Mrs Greenwellies, & their daughter, Barbara-Ann
- Mr & Mrs Dancing, & their embarassing son, Maurice
- Mr & Mrs Bennettyourbloodyhoundshaveeatenmykitten, & their son, Gordon
Hoteliers' Ball
- Mr & Mrs John Smith, Mr & Mrs John Smith, Mr & Mrs John Smith, Mr Humphrey Lyttelton & Mrs Rita Goodlay
- Mr & Mrs Tringforlargeparties & their daughter Kay
- Mr & Mrs Barr & their daughter Minnie
- Mr & Mrs Rouserpress & their son Corbett
- from Ireland, the Ferencefacilities & their impressive son, the excellent Con
- from even further afield, the Sultan of Cap & his flattering son, the complimentary Shah Cap
- Mr & Mrs Ngkit & their daughter Zoe
- from Wales, Mr & Mrs Forphonecallsmadeafterpayingthebill & their son Owen
- Mr & Mrs Bennettseventeenpoundsfiftyforacontinentalbreakfast & their son Gordon
- from Scotland, Mr & Mrs Break & their son Wee Ken
- from Liverpool, Mr & Mrs Cookwillya & their son Jess
- Mr & Mrs Acuatedownthefireescapeandassembleinthecarpark & their daughter Eve
- Mr & Mrs Speakinhowmayihelpyou & their daughter Tracy
Scottish Ball
- Mr & Mrs Strap, & their son, Hamish - Jock was held up
- Mr & Mrs Baxter, & their incontinent dog, the Baxters' Cocker - Leakie
- my friend Doris, & she's usually accompanied by someone from the medical profession, normally a large...oh no, it's just a wee Doc'n'Doris
- Mr & Mrs Verness, & their unpopular son, Iain - it seems that for some reason people loath Iain
- Mr & Mrs Johnbrownandqueenvictoriadid, & their daughter, Bet
- Mr & Mrs Demicles, & their clarinet-playing son, Hamilton 'Acker'
- Mr & Mrs Dothatoryourdead, & their daughter, Donna
- Mr & Mrs Midlothian, & their son, Arthur - hello Arthur, Mother well?
- Mr & Mrs O'Groats, & their daughter, Tracy
- Mr & Mrs Bennetthowmuchlongeristhiswomenscurlinggoingonfor, & their son, Gordon
- delightful to see the Housemuirs, & their son, Stan
- and the Sideacademys, & their son, Kelvin
Australian Ball
- Mr & Mrs Operahouse, & their daughter, Adelaide...& her sister Barbie
- Mr & Mrs Jingpom, & their daughter, Winn
- Crashing through the windows comes the Australian SAS - they're trained in Unarmed Wombat
- A big welcome for Rolf Harris & his friend Heime Kangaroodownsport, & the Doolittle Boys
- Mr & Mrs Naway, & their son, Homer
- Mr & Mrs O'Reef, & their wonderful son, great Barry
- Mr & Mrs Samatosiscuredtherabbitproblem, & their son, Mick
- Mr & Mrs Neverdiedhejustlosthismemory, & their son, Harold
- Put your hands together for a load of cobbers...our mates Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden & Bill Oddie - The Goodays
- it's cabaret time - a gala event with our compere, Bruce, featuring Gerry & his crocodile Eric...did Gerry do well?
- the all-girl group, the Spice Invaders - they're not the real Spice Girls, they're just wallabees
- oh...Matilda's just waltzed in!
- Mr & Mrs Newzealandneverheardofit, & their son, Wes
- Lord & Lady Darwin, & their cricketting son, Sir Vivalofthefirsttest
- Mr & Mrs Dyaexpectcorksonmehat, & their son, Watt
- Mr & Mrs Ample, & their lager-swilling son, Forex
- Mr & Mrs Backspiderinthedunnyrunlikehell, & their son, Red
- Mr & Mrs Fosters, & their daughter, Tina, with her boyfriend, David Frostie
- Mr & Mrs Nercellblockaich, & their daughter, Priscilla
- Mr & Mrs Kelly, & their son, Ned - He's got a tinny on his head!
Cheesemakers' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Fort, & their son, Rock
- The mother & father of all Italian cheeses, Ma & Pa Mesan
- Mr & Mrs Zola, & their son, Emile
- Mr & Mrs Sheer, & their tall, thin son, Lanky
- The family Ooo, & their daughter, poor Sal
- and from Yorkshire, ...oh, they've gone...Eee, damn!
- it's cabaret time, with a tribute to Mozarella Fitzgerald, and Miss Muffet's going to do a strip while eating curds...wey-hey!
- from the Westcountry, Mr & Mrs Urcheese, & their son, Jed
- Farmer & Mrs Brown, & their ploughman, Zlunch
- also in the cabaret, Stilton John will be playing the Harry Lymeswold Theme
- Mr & Mrs Jones, & their aggressive son who swears a lot, Blue Vinnie
- the Screamcrackers, & their son, Jacob
- the Duke & Duchess of Gloucester have come in together...the Double Gloucesters
- Let me give you a toastie...must say this Caerphilly...My Old Dutch. Thankyou...your hats and goats cheese
Zookeepers' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Nocerous, & their son, Ray
- Mr O'Potamus, he's quite trendy, he's hip
- Mr & Mrs Atwhatthatmonkeysdoing, & their son, Luke
- Mr & Mrs Africanelephant-Hasbiggerears, & their daughter, Ann, with their friends Mr & Mrs Indianelephant-Hasbiggerears, & their extrovert daughter, obvious Leanne
- all the way from Australia, Ken Garroo and Wally Bee, with their duck, Bill Platypus
- Mr & Mrs Thebloodyhellleftthelionscageopen, & their son, Hugh
- Mr & Mrs deBeeste, & their son, Harry, who likes to be known as Will
- Mr & Mrs Quirrel, & their daughter, Grace
- a really modern guest...Ena Sharples. Oh, she's laughing...Hi Ena!
- all the way from Dublin zoo, that dear family, the O'Kapi's, with their zebra, Spot
- Mr & Mrs Bennettthatmonkeysatitagain, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Cat, & their son, Bob
- Mr & Mrs Toad, & their son, Nat R Jack
- Anna Conda & Con Strictor - he's a crushing bore!
- The Animals, with Eric Bird 'n' their new drummer, Derry
- Def Leppard
Stockbrokers' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Index, & their son, Nicky
- Mr & Mrs Dingorder, & their son, Stan
- Mr & Mrs Itcrash, & their son, Mark
- Please welcome the Lancashire Voyeur - Phil the Looker
- Mr & Mrs Rhymingslang, & their future son-in-law...a well-known Banker
- Mr & Mrs Dingrates, & their debauched son, base Len
- It's family night...here's Nat West & his children, Pep and Tessa
- Mr Threadneedlestreet, & his old lady
- Mr & Mrs Shore, & their adopted Russian son, Stasheditov
- Over there, our flexible friends, Dow Jones and Nike Leeson playing footsie - queer as Coutts
- All the way from Nigeria, Mr & Mrs Nbingley, & their son, Bradford
- Mr & Mrs Bennettidontbelievethesebankcharges, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Ownsindex, & their recently widowed mother, the Dowager
- All the way from Sweden, Över Draft & Lars Reminder, with their tribute to Abba National
- All the way from Chard in Somerset, Chard Jecard
- From Isreal, Golder Card & their son, Master Card
- Mr & Mrs Dussafiver, & their son, Len
Shakespearean Ball
- Mr & Mrs Englandandsaintgeorge, & their son, Harry
- Who's this reeling in?...oh, it's Andronicus. There's no-one quite as tight as Andronicus!
- Mr & Mrs Ingdomforahorse, & their son, Mike
- Mr & Mrs Creepsinthispettypacefromdaytodaytothelastsyllableofrecordedtime, & their three identically named daughters, Tamara and Tamara and Tamara
- Mr & Mrs Softwhatlightthroughyonderwindowbreaks, & their son, Bert
- Mr & Mrs Thefourthpartone, & their son, Derek
- Mr & Mrs Arnia, & their big-breasted daughter, Tit
- Mr & Mrs Dmeyourears, & their son, Len
- Mr & Mrs Cleopatra, & their transvestite son, Antony Ann
- from Russia, Mr & Mrs MacDuff, & their son, Leon
- Mr & Mrs Summerbythissonofyork, & their maid, Gloria
- Mr & Mrs Francis Bacon, & their copyright lawyer
- from Wales, Nye - that's Nye Theraborrower, & his partner Nora Landerby
- Mr Pooryorik, accompanied by a single girl
- Mr & Mrs Demona, & their son, Des - for he's a jolly Othello
Music Lovers' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Netsolo, & their daughter, Clarrie
- Mr & Mrs Uendo, & their none-too-bright son, the dim Ian
- The Rackers family have arrived...I can see Pa Rackers & Baby Rackers...and here she is...Mrs Rackers
- The depressed tenor - Flaccido Domingo
- Mr & Mrs Sixtrombones, & their son, Zebedee
- I'm very excited kazoo should arrive...it's Bob Stradi and his enormous family - I can't really see them all - I'll just them put down as Stradi various
- Domingo, Carreras, Pavarotti & Mohamed Al-Fayed - they do an act called 'Three tenors and a brown envelope'
- Mr & Mrs Bennettnotanotherlloyd-webbermusical, & their son, Gordon
- from Sweden, Mr & Mrs Nightoftheproms, & their son, Lars
- Bill Oddie & his son, Mel
- Mr & Mrs Tone, & their son, Barry, with his man Dolin, who's a bit of a liar
- from Ireland, Mr & Mrs O'Lyn, & their daughter, Vi
- Mr & Mrs Harmonicorchestra, & their son, Phil
- here's Albert Hall
- Mr & Mrs Ube, & their depressed son, the blue Dan
- Mr & Mrs Mbermusic, & their revolutionary son, Ché
- Mr & Mrs Raboom, & their daughter, the district attorney, Tara Raboom D.A.
- Mr & Mrs Boomsadaisy, & their son, Hans, with Han's niece Ann
Frenchmans' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Alouetta, & their son, Jonty
- Mr & Mrs Fembargo, & their cousin, British Bea
- from the French farming community, Madame Leadsintothecattletrough & Monsewer Leadsintothecattletrough
- Jacques Delores & his mother, Mere Delores...what did Ma say?...she's bored, oh!
- Mr & Mrs That-Holeinthegroundcantbeatoilet, & their daughter, Shirley
- M & Mme Theotherone, & their cynical son, Paul
- Mr Sayezze & his llama - that's llama Sayezze
- M & Mme Isthesoundof-Aracingcar, & their son, Pierre
- who is that hesitating in the doorway? - It's Mr & Mrs Ontcordial's Aunt from France...come Aunt Ontcordial
- Oh no! Someone has switched round the signs on the Ladies and Gents - what a two loos low trick!
- Mr & Mrs Alrightforaholidaybutyouwouldntwanttolivethere, & their son, Francis
Builders' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Cottatiling, & their son, Terry
- Mr & Mrs Jay, & their daughter, Iris
- Mr & Mrs Scleavage, & their daughter, Jean
- Mr & Mrs Wall-Carpetting, & their son, Walter
- Mr & Mrs Backtofinishthejobonthursdayhonestguv, & their daughter, Isla
- Mr & Mrs Bennett-thatstwicethe-estimate, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Lottle-aftoberepainted, & their son, Theo
- Mr & Mrs Kingood, & their daughter, May
- from Ireland, Brendan Beam, James Joist, Con Crete, Mick Ser with Mr & Mrs O'Doors, & their son, Paddy
- A Regal party...Lady Foundationsfirst, Lord Watermess, filthy Prince Everywhere, Count Thecostlater & Baron Bankaccount
- It's cabaret time, introduced by Roy Hod - The Pointer Sisters, followed by a special performance of Wagner's Damntheguttering
- The Menders family...Rhoda - she digs having her ass felt!
- Mr & Mrs Chanceofacuppatea, & their son, Henny
- Mr & Mrs Foursugarsinmineluv, & their daughter, Olive
Driving Instructors' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Gencystop, & their daughter, Emma
- Mr & Mrs Ellayswansea, & their son, Davy
- from Bombay, the Beforepullingout family, & their daughter, India Kate
- Mr & Mrs Feelingyouneedmorelessons, & their son, Ivor
- from Spain, Mr & Mrs Gears, & their on, Manuel
- Mr & Mrs Bennettmaureenyourgonnahithim-No-No, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Plates, & their young daughter, Noelle
- Mr & Mrs Singalmanouevre, & their daughter, Moira
- Mr & Mrs Willyouslowdown, & their only son, Jesus
- It's cabaret time, with Toyota Willcox & Tina Three-Point-Turner, singing Reverse Deep, Mountain High
- Mr & Mrs Positionat-thelights, & their daughter, Jocelyn
- Mr & Mrs Doutinfrontofmewithoutsignalling, & their illegitimate son, the bastard
Overweight Ball
- Mr & Mrs Normous, & their son, Uri
- Mr & Mrs Atthesizeofhim, & their son, Luke
- just behind them, a diet version of our pianist, Colin Sellulite
- ...oh, there's Terry Waite with his Swedish cousin Öve, & his friend, Lars Ofthesummerpudding
- Mr & Mrs Poundofbelgianchocolateswontdoanyharm, & their hermaphrodite child, Shirley Arthur
- Mr & Mrs Feltz, & their...good grief!!
- ...they've brought their parrot, Polly Unsaturated
- It's cabaret time - we've got Tummy Steele, George Belly, Flabby Sifre, compere Lloyd Gross-man, & top of the bill is Fats Domino singing Blubbery Hill
- ...closely followed by the Suction brothers - Groucho, Harpo, Chico & Lipo
- Mr & Mrs Tsuparoomjustbymovingawayfromawindow, & their son, Eli
- who's that over there in the corner - it's Gorge Michael, quietly masticating!
Football Managers' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Dicroussigninghim, & their son, Lou
- Mr & Mrs Sthebastardintheblack, & their son, Hugh
- from Scotland, Mr & Mrs Ann, & their son, Bernie...Hi Bernie Ann, Mother well?
- Mr & Mrs Enhamhotspur, & their baby tot
- Mr & Mrs Timebollocking, & their son, Arthur
- Mr & Mrs Bennettrefgetyourbleedineyestested, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Palacenilderbycountyfive, & their daughter, Crystal
- Mr & Mrs Gameoftwohalves, & their daughter, Itsa
- there's Kenny Dalgleish over there, making the Mafia an offer they can't understand!
- Mr & Mrs Drule, & their decidedly dodgy son, off Si
- from Germany, Herr & Frau Overthegoolieswhenyourestandinginthewall, & their son, Hans
- Mr & Mrs Academicals, & their son, Hamilton
- Mr & Mrs Throvers, & their son, Ray
- from Scotland, Mr & Mrs Champions, & their diminutive son, wee Arthur
- Mr & Mrs Theballyougreatfairy, & their son, Ed
Old Testament Ball
- Mr & Mrs Goodnessandmercyshallfollowmeallthedaysofmylife, & their daughter, Shirley
- Mr & Mrs Fitdebattleobjericho, & their son, Joshua, & his brother, Humph
- Mr & Mrs Onehundredandtwentyoneiliftupmyeyestothehills, & their son, Sam
- over there by the pillar, Mr & Mrs Lot...oh, sorry, that is Mrs Lot
- Mr & Mrs Bennettladsthisburningfieryfurnaceishot, & their son, Gordon
- Mr & Mrs Abim, & their daughter, Cher
- Mr & Mrs Fim, & their daughter, Sarah
- from Newcastle, Mr & Mrs Tyne, & their daughter, Phyllis
- Why not relax at the bar, where you can have a Jereboam, or a can of Israel Light. Ron & I are running the bar - if there's anything wrong, it's due to Ron or me!
- Mr & Mrs Lilah, & their cousin, Sam, & there's Sam's son, Andy Lilah
- Mr & Mrs Noah, plus 2 more, sorry 4 more, no 6 more...
- rather grandly, Mr & Mrs Demightyfallen, & their son, Howard
- there's Tara Babel - Hi Tara
- it's cabaret time, with Abba Cuck & Ruby Murray. We were going to get Norman Wisdom, but the price of Wisdom is above Ruby's!
Doctors' Ball
- from Ireland, Dermot Ologist, Mike Rosurgery, Eamon Thesicklist & Sean Parts
- Mr & Mrs Sthetic, & their daughter, Anna, & her aunty, Septic
- from Wales, Di Agnosis, Win Deetum & Morgan Transplant
- from Scandinavia, Lars Toplast, & his pet hippo, Craticoath
- oh, there's Sue Positry - she's going up in the world!
- here's Reggie Strar & Des Infectant
- there's Dr. Watson nursing Holmes. What's the trouble Holmes? - Alimentary, my dear Watson
- here come the Appliances , & their son, Sir Jekyll, with his collie, Wobbles
- Don't leave the aspirins by the bird cage - the parrots eat 'em all!
- someone's just caught a streptomouse, in that trap you catch streptomice in
- Mr & Mrs Umenema, & their son, Barry
- Sir Osis-of-the-Liver, Sir Gerry Hours, & Prof. E. Lactic
- Mr & Mrs Roids, & their daughter, Emma, with their friend, farmer Giles
- Mr & Mrs Zeensinthewaitingroom, & their ten-year-old, Maggie
- it's cabaret time - with Dame Kiri Opodist, some Tunisian balancers...they're a sort of Affro dizzy act, & a canary that does impressions of a doctor...a chirpy-chirpy-GP-GP
Vicars' Ball
- the Collar family, & their son, Doug
- the Right Honourable Charles Ismay-Shepherd, & his father, the Lord Ismay-Shepherd
- it's cabaret time - a parade of knickerless parsons. There are so many of them in a line, they'll get a que rate. Luckily we have a rev counter!
- here's Spike Milligan in his Goon persona, representing smooth slip-on Y-fronts - Eccles Easy Elasctical
- Mr & Mrs Nod, & their on, Si
- be Christian, and try not to laugh at the entrance of J-J-J-Justin Pediment
- a strange couple from the church - a beadle & an abbot - they've formed an unholy alliance to produce Beadles Abbot
- Mr & Mrs Meek, & their saintly son, blessed Arthur
- Jenny Flect, Di O'Cese, & Ann Glicanchurch
- Mr & Mrs Ashun-of-the-Magi, & their son, Theodore
- Mr & Mrs Rendeth-thelesson, & their son, Andy
- Mr & Mrs Ment, & their newt, Esther
Insects' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Bee, & their rather shabby son, the bum Bill Bee
- Mr & Mrs Kito, & their son, Amos
- Mr & Mrs Urinated, & their daughter, Millie...sory, that should be Mr & Mrs Peed
- it's cabaret time - introduced by Midge Ure - The Bootleg Beatles, The Flea Degrees, Peggy Flea singing Larvae En Rose, The Crickets & their unwell daughter, sick Ada
- Peter Sallis, & his son, Chris
- Mr & Mrs T, & their daughter, Ann
- Mr & Mrs Teeresistant, & their daughter, Didi
- from Coronation Street, William Roach & his famous...rooster
Gardeners' Ball
- Mr & Mrs Anthemum, & their son, Chris
- Mr & Mrs Anthes, & their daughter, Polly
- Mr & Mrs Dendron, & their daughter, Rhonda