Feng Shui Dictionary

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What the Feng Shui practitioner says	What it really means
Bagua	Baked goods usually served with lox and cream cheese. The octagonal-shaped ones are definitely not kosher.
Yi Jing	An old book everyone talks about but nobody reads 'cause it doesn't have a lot of pretty pictures or easy information
Tai Chi	An exercise class.
Pu Chan	Knuckle-cracking exercise employed by ancient Chinese mystics.
Lo-Shu	An old map of downtown Lo. There are nine sectors in town and each has a single-digit address.
Ho-T'u	Street slang for an Asian working girl.
Taoism	I know it has to do with this stuff, but all I know is that I need to mention it. Nobody else knows what it is either.
Recycling Phase	A lot of dead stuff and garbage reconstituted into a marketable form
Charts and Tallies	Something to do with book-making
Trigram	One more than a diagram.
Inner World Arrangement	Trying to clean up the clutter in my mind
Five Element Theory	A bunch of things that always confused me and I never could figure how they work with Feng Shui. What's trees got to do with Feng Shui anyway?
Yin Yang Theory	A black and white symbol I saw in a book, and I think it has to do with dark and light
Qi	Energy that I can manipulate with incense smoke and mirrors. It'll defy the laws of physics, stop on a dime, and give me nine cents' change if I hang a mirror just right.
Unifying Principle	More garbage recycled into a marketable form.
Clutter	Too many dust-bunnies and old magazines lying around, and they are completely responsible for the reason my life is such a mess!
Lo Pan	A noodle dish served with pieces of magnetite -- a real delicacy.
Nine Stars	The Feng Shui astrological calendar. The nine signs are White Dingaling, Jewish Black Men, Blue Swan, Jaundiced Chewbacca, White Voodoo, Maroon Prowler, White Soul Food, and Purple Pie. They are commonly used in old Chinese poetry
Gua Su	The sound of a sneeze from a woman home sick by herself.
Houtian arrangement of trigrams	A guy who arranged a bunch of sticks while people watched.
Peach Blossom direction	When the wind carries blossoms off a peach tree, it's the direction they fall

Ways You Will Know When Feng Shui Has "Arrived"

1. Your friends tell you they are using blacklights for "mood lighting."
2. Bug zappers are out; Venus Flytraps are in.
3. Job applicants ask if the company's in a Wang Shan-Wang Shui building.
4. Gangsters pile their bullet casings for use as a Metal remedy.
5. Nobody calls you a "New Age weirdo" anymore.
6. You have to sign onto a waiting list for pond installation and the price of boulders skyrockets.
7. Your Feng Shui consultant's business card reads "infertility consultant." The use of IVF plummets, but home remodeling is a booming business.
8. You throw a party and everyone asks which room has the money energy this year so they can stand there.
9. Martha Stewart's Feng Shui catalog shows up in your mailbox.
10. People stop saying "Bless you!" after you say "Feng Shui."