The Universe is Spam
The nature of the universe is simple--the entire observable universe is actually a single can of Spam: what we call the universe would be more accurately described as the "SPAM CAN TOTALITY."

Sure, you say, the fact that the entire universe is a gigantic can of Spam seems intuitively obvious, but just how strong is the hard physical evidence for the Spam Can Totality? The answer is, of course, overwhelming; here are just a few proofs of the Spam Can Totality:

• The first two subshells of an atom's electron shells are called the "s" subshell and the "p" subshell; the first two letters of "Spam" are "s" and "p"--coincidence? I think not!
• The mathematic constant e is approximately 19/7--but the letter "s", the first letter of Spam, is the 19th letter of the alphabet and a can of Spam weighs 7 ounces! e is equal to the number of the first letter of Spam divided by the weight of Spam!
• "Spam" has four letters: four is equal to 2+2, 2*2, and 22; four is obviously a representation of two twos--and 22/7 (two twos divided by the weight of Spam) is almost exactly equal to p, yet another fundamental physical constant!
• We showed how the length of the word "Spam" is a higher resonance of two--yet, incredibly, nondivergent forces such as electrostatic and gravitational forces decrease EXACTLY as the SECOND power of the radius!
• According to the ancient science of numerology, words correspond to numbers according to the rule a=1, b=2, c=3...i=9, j=10, k=20, l=30.... using this technique, we find that the number of "Spam" is 211--and, incredibly, the mass of Spam in grams is 198. Now, 198/211 is equal to 0.938--which is the mass of the proton in GeV!
• Lincoln had a secretary named "Kennedy" and Kennedy had a secretary named "Lincoln"!
• In addition to the standard seven ounce size can of Spam, there are also larger, twelve-ounce cans available. While the seven-ounce cans are a long rectangle, the twelve-ounce cans are closer to being square--and twelve squared (144) minus seven (7) yields 137, the reciprocal of the fine structure constant! Only by accepting the truth of the SPAM CAN TOTALITY can one understand the true meaning and significance of the fine structure constant!
The SPAM CAN TOTALITY is the ultimate reality of the universe. Only by comprehending Spam can we hope to comprehend ourselves. Black holes are a hoax--because the universe is a can of Spam, only pink holes can exist! Only through Spam--the unification of physics, chemistry, and biology--can we understand the physical nature of the universe! The ubiquitous microwave background is, in fact, left-over energy from the original COSMIC CANNING EVENT! Matter is composed of fundamental quanta of Spam--while antimatter is none other than discrete quanta of anti-spam, also known as "Vegetarian Spam" or "Tofu"! The reason matter predominates over antimatter in the Spam Can Totality can be seen by looking in almost any grocery store--not only does Spam sell better than Tofu, Tofu expires in a matter of a week or two, while the expiration date on a can of Spam is years, even decades in the future!

The fact that the earth is made of matter--discrete quanta of Spam-- explains everything about the earth, from its structure to the machanisms of continental drift and sea floor spreading. If you leave the contents of a can of Spam on your counter for a few days, it will automatically form a crust--much like the earth's! Soon, this crust will form cracks, just like the mid-Atlantic ridge on our own planet, and things will begin to grow on it--just like the development of life on earth, only with greater speed, owing to the fact that the earth is somewhat larger than most cans of Spam. Even the growth of the higher animals will be simulated in this Spam microcosm, through the process of Spontaneous Maggot Materialization (patent pending)!

I, therefore, demand that from this day forth, elements shall be called by their proper Spam-based names. No longer will foolish scientists refer to the first element as "hydrogen," instead they shall call it "Spam." "Beryllium" shall henceforth be known only as "spam, eggs, sausage, and spam"; and the 94th element shall forevermore be called "spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, and spam." (If Baked Beans are off, Spam may be substituted.)

The now obsolete Nobel Corporation will be replaced with the Spam Can Foundation. Dedicated to furthering Spam knowledge, the Spam Can Foundation will give an annual prize to the person with the most spamlike brain--but this prize shall not be mere money, but something far greater: immortality! The individual selected for this prestigious award shall be sealed in a rectangular tin in which he or she will remain fresh and unspoiled for eternity. No doubt there are many people you will wish to nominate for this award, so be sure to forward their names and addresses, along with the hours they are normally sleeping to this foundation. May Spam be with you.