Deep Thoughts Contest
From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
- My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
- Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
- Home is where the house is.
- Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
- As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
- Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
- For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
- Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Mars Bars. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
- I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
- I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
- Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
- If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
- I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
- If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.