Music Jokes
Music and Musicians in General
- Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"
- Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the other one dosen't have any money either.
- What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Composers and Music Theory
- Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Phillip Glass.
- What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave? He was decomposing.
- Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"
- Why was the music theorist drunk? He tried to use a fifth with his tonic.
Woodwinds
- What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
- What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboes playing in unison.
- An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo".
- How many English horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? They can't -- they gyrate too much and fall off the ladder.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
- What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? 1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on. 2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!
- What's the best use for an oboe? Using it to light a bassoon on fire.
- How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison? Shoot one.
- What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
- How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.
- What key is the alto flute pitched in? G -- I really don't care, either!!
- Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
- Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
- How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.
- What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
- How do you put down a tenor saxophone? Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
- What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
- What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
- What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain? An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
- Why don't sax players like playing soprano? There's no place to hide your drugs.
- If you can play low A on a tenor sax by sticking your foot in the bell, how can you play it on a soprano sax?
- Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes? Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.
- How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth? All of them.
- If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.
- What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax? You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return it.
- What't the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax? The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
- How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.
- How do you know if a saxophonist is a redneck? 1. He has an old bass sax up on blocks in his front yard. 2. He spells it "saxaphone".
- What do a saxophone and baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
- Why do bagpipe players march when they play? 1. To try to get away from the sound. 2. It's harder to hit a moving target.
- What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back? Leave them there.
- What does one bagpipe player never say to another? "Hey man, what key's it in?"
Strings
- How is a violinist like a SCUD missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.
- Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays? Because there's no spit valve.
- Why are violas larger than violins? They're not. The violist's head is smaller.
- What does a viola player use for birth control? Her personality.
- How do you make a violist play vibrato? Write a whole note and put "solo" over it.
- One day, the conductor of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great! So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that he would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"
- Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnepeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.
- Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a violist." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're a violist." The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a violist?" His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."
- Why is a string bass better than a cello? 1. The string bass holds more beer. 2. The string bass burns longer.
- Why did the string bass player get angry at the timpanist? Because the timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
- What is a hooker's favorite instrument? A guitar -- the G string is thinner.
- How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down? Put sheet music in front of him. How do you get him to turn off? Put notes on it.
- What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies? 1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned down!
Brass
- Why is the horn the most divine insturment? Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.
- How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.
- How do you get a trumpet player to play fff? Write mp on the part.
- Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement? Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"
- What's the secret trumpet handshake? Shake hands and say "Hi! I'm better than you."
- What´s the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist? The terrorist has sympathizers.
- Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"
- How does a woman know when she's dating a french horn player? Whenever he kisses her, he has his hand up her rear.
- How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and split every second note.
- Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road? The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.
- What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't? A gentleman.
- What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage? "Computer: End program!"
- What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea? A good idea!
- How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door? The doorbell drags
- How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
- What does a trombonist say at his night job? "Would you like fries with that burger?"
- Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?" The trombonist is confused: "What??? I thought F major was the subdominant!"
- How many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
- What kind of calander does a trombonist use for his gigs? Career-at-a-Glance.
- How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
- How do you call a baritone player? Euphonium.
- What do you call a baritone player with a beeper? An optimist.
- What's a tuba for? 1-7/8" by 3-7/8"
- What's the range of a tuba? About 20 yards if you've got a good arm.
- How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.
- An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hit-man. He got an assignment for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first and why? The target - business before pleasure.
- Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job? He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
- Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!!
- A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as the ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"
Drums and Percussion
- What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.
- What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
- How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. There's machines that can do that now.
- How can you tell if there's a percussionist at the door? The knock speeds up.
- What's the most important thing about being a drummeTiming.
- How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
- Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."
- What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
- What's the difference between a drummer and an electric drum machine? You only have to punch the information into the machine once.
- Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses do? So they don't disgrace themselves during a parade!
- There once was a timpinist who dreamed that he was playing in "Messiah" and when he woke up he was playing in "Messiah".
Keyboards
- Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning? They never struck the same place twice.
- What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base? A flat Major.
- What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat Minor.
- How many organists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to complain that the switch doesn't have any combination pistons.
- What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
- Why doesn't heaven have a pipe organ? Because they needed the keys in hell to make accordions.
- An accordion player in his middle 40's was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar Mitzva. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure it was OK. On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!!
- How can you tell if there is a synth player at your door? You think you hear him knocking but you're not quite sure.
Voice
- How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.
- What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar? Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar.
- Why is the soprano standing outside the door? She forgot the key.
- How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it and one to watch and say, "Don't you think that's a bit high for you, dear?"
- How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb? None; she thinks it's the accompanist's job.
- What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano? The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
- How many mezzosopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Who cares!
- How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they cannot reach it.
- What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? More body hair on the alto.
- A woman goes into a butcher shop to get something special for dinner. She spies something which looks interesting and asks the butcher how much it costs. "Well ma'am, those are the brains of a soprano, and they're a $1.50 a pound." "Oh, ok", replies the woman. "What's that?", she asks, pointing. "Those are the brains of a bass, and they're $3.00 a pound." "Oh", says the woman, "that looks great, what is it?" "Ma'am, those are the brains of a tenor, and they are $40.00 a pound." "That's outrageous!", says the woman. "Why is it so much for those brains?" "Ma'am", replies the patient butcher, "do you have any idea how many tenors it takes to make one pound of brains?"
- How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door? You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.
- What's the first thing that a female singer does after she gets up in the morning? 1. Puts on her clothes and goes home. 2. Looks for her instrument.
- What does a girls band vocalist's mother say to her before she goes out? If you are not in bed by 12pm you have to come home.
- What´s the difference between a female lead singer and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Conductor
- How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but, then again, who's really watching?
- What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.
- Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet in the earth? Because DEEP DOWN he was a nice guy.
- What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
- What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer? The bag.
- How's a conductor like a condom? It's safer with one but more fun without!
- One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".
- A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor."
- In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.
Record Producer
- How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"
- One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio. Everyone had ther headphones on, the session was close to getting underway and the producer of the session came over the talkback system and said "Okay I need to have total silence! Just then the drummer on the session played a big Barumdum Crash! To which the record producer replied, "Okay who did that?"