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December 1 | Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. |
| December 2 | Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. |
| December 3 | Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. |
| December 4 | Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. |
| December 5 | Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. |
| December 6 | Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. |
| December 7 | Debug Windows '95 |
| December 10 | Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. |
| December 11 | Lay Faberge egg. |
| December 12 | Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. |
| December 13 | Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. |
| December 14 | Install plumbing in gingerbread house. |
| December 15 | Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. |
| December 17 | Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. |
| December 19 | Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. |
| December 20 | Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. |
| December 21 | Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. |
| December 22 | Float votive candles in toilet tank. |
| December 23 | Seed clouds for white Christmas. |
| December 24 | Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. |
| December 25 | Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. |
| December 26 | Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. |
| December 27 | Build snowman in exact likeness of God. |
| December 31 | New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. |