Cynic's Guide to Life

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• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the -fridge-is" group.
• Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
• It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.