Quotes
- Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.
- A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
- "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
- Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
- If you had everything, where would you keep it?
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
- When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it
- I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
- You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.