Men and Women are Different
Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second.

This, of course, was complete rubbish.

We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships.

My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women.

RELATIONSHIPS - First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

HANDWRITING - To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS - A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in a typical women's bathroom is 237. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GOING OUT - When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she makes one phone call and finds her other earring.

SHOES - When preparing for work, a woman will slip on casual shoes. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

MIRRORS - Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, shop windows, toasters.

THE TELEPHONE - Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS - Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS - If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a garage and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighbourhood. I recognize that Tescos."

ADMITTING MISTAKES - Women will sometimes admit making a mistake, but they usually try make it look like it was the mans fault. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

DRESSING UP - A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, get the post. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

TOYS - Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

LAUNDRY - A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty tracksuit inside out, rent a truck and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Launderette.

SOCKS - Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.

GARAGES - Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.