OPENING CEREMONY This is to be kept as brief as possible, due to the low boredom threshold of the average Mancunian. There will be no parade of athletes around the arena since if they leave their rooms at the village for more than two minutes, they will be stripped bare by the time they get back. Neither will there be any flags in the stadium, as any left unattended are likely to be stolen and used to decorate the walls at a future warehouse rave. The olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from Ordsall area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and a balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip pan situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS In previous Olympic games, Britain's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES As above, but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences/walls etc).
HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, ballplane, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in five minutes.
LONG JUMP/HIGH JUMP These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to simply as 'A Jump'. Mixed teams, in loose fitting clothing only.
SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office counter clerk, bank teller or an Armaguard/Securicor style wages delivery man.
BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of bitter, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the Home counties, on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the S.A.S. rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding, and arson.
THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown off a bridge on the Manchester ship canal. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
MENS 4 x 100 METRES To be run according to the usual rules with the slight amendment of replacing the batons with handbags stolen from members of the public watching the event.
MENS 4 x 400 METRES As above, but with a police dog giving pursuit to ensure the competitors run further.
WEIGHTLIFTING This will now be a pairs event. In the first round, entrants will be required to smash a shop window and make their escape with a three-piece suite or washing machine from the display. Medals will be awarded to the first team to overturn and torch a police armed response vehicle, complete with constables.
GYMNASTICS Please note that the ladies floor exercises have been replaced by a rhythmic clog dancing formation team event. Competitors will also be judged on the difficulty of the knots with which their shawls are tied.
MENS 50 km WALK Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.
PROPOSED EXHIBITION SPORT Following the success of other exhibition sports, Manchester proposes their version of the modern pentathlon. Suggestions received so far include yard of ale contests, whippet keeping, pigeon racing, tram spotting and black pudding or ferret juggling.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Hacienda 'Health in the Community' anti drug campaigners, dwarf tossing and music by the Happy Mondays and Morrisey. The olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.