Beer and Ice Cream Diet
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0° C (32.2°. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37° C (98.6° F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0° C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet. Happy eating!

EDITOR'S NOTE: One other thing to note for those of you pigging out to lose weight, a dietary calorie is equal to a kilocalorie in physics. Better luck next time. Instead, try this alternative suggestion:

I enjoyed reading the piece on the Beer and Ice Cream Diet

Although it has been nearly 20 years since my college physics and thermodynamics courses, your diet neglects to account for several factors, thus reducing its effectiveness. Ice cream, for example, is loaded with both sugar and fat--two sources of dietary calories. Served at near 0° C (32.2° F), it will rise to room temperature 28.1° C (72° F) with no consumption of calories or loss of body fat.

Additionally, consider the results of inserting a 6 oz (168 grams) mass, at a temperature of 0° C (32.2° F), inside of a 200 lb or 91,200 gram object (the size of an average American male body) which is at a temperature of 37° C (98.6° F).

Anytime two objects of differing temperatures come in contact, the two objects relative amount of thermodynamic energy (heat) will seek an equilibrium based on the objects relative temperature and mass to each other.

The ambient temperature of the larger mass will be reduced in proportion to the temperature difference AND THE MASS of the smaller object. Since the dessert is approximately 0.001875% (less than 2 tenths of one percent) of the mass of the body, any caloric loss due to the temperature differential will be negligible.

But the underlying premise of loss of body fat through temperature differentials of consumed food is valid. Its just that your scale is off.

Consider the following: A 200 pound man consuming his body weight in water which is at a temperature just above freezing will be required to generate significant amount of heat in order to maintain his body temperature at 37° C (98.6° F).

But drinking all that liquid would be time-consuming, and involve frequent trips to the bathroom. Instead, consider inserting the man--as the smaller mass--into a larger mass of just above freezing water.

As the body struggles to maintain its temperature at or near 37° C (98.6° F), there will be a significant consumption of calories. Since the human body's internal systems can only function in a certain temperature range, care must be taken to remove the person from the vat of freezing water before system failure and death occur due to hypothermia.

Perhaps a regimen of dunking the dieter into the vat of frigid water for three minutes at a time every fifteen minutes. Remember, if you give the dunkee a towel or blanket after extraction from water, you will be defeating the purpose of forcing the body to raise its own temperature back to normal, thereby consuming body fat as a source of energy.

The extreme temperatures will cause a great deal of discomfort and pain, so a strong opium derivative will be necessary so the dieter can endure the ordeal. Alternatively, earplugs will be required for the "dietician" supervising the procedure.