From the depths of Emo Phillips.....

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• Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
• ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
• The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
• I ran three miles today, finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
• I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
• People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
• People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
• Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
• I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.
• I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
• You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
• The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
• I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
• A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it