Homespun Thoughts
• When getting ready to leave for a scheduled appointment, it takes a clock half a day to move from one hour to 20 minutes before time to leave. It then takes that same clock thirty seconds to go from 20 minutes BEFORE to 20 minutes PAST the time to leave.
• There are three more Sunday evenings in a weekend than there are Saturday mornings.
• Children have an uncanny sense of time. They nap in readiness, prepared to wake up as soon as the parents have a project spread all over the room.
• It takes a month to use 3/4 of a tank of petrol; it takes five minutes to use the last 1/4 of the tank.
• If you wear glasses, you will always put your turtleneck sweater on with your glasses still on your face.
• No matter what knife you choose, it will be just short of reaching all the way through when you are cutting a watermelon.
• A bus is not a large enough container in which to hold 50 children.
• A child cannot stuff more than 14 grapes in her mouth at one time.
• A child who has 14 grapes in her mouth cannot eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• A baby will go to sleep five minutes before the family car arrives at a destination no matter how long the trip.
• How quickly a family will get from Point A to Point B is directly proportional to how many times the passengers scream, "He's touching me".
• The amount of water a child consumes while he is traveling is in inverse proportion to the number of public restrooms on the road.
• A family car is not a large enough container in which to hold a family.
• One child is not enough; two is about three too many.
• When you do not recognize a food object in your refrigerator, label it as a science experiment and send it to school with your kids.
• A teenager's room is one of the finest examples of the phenomenon called black holes--a gravitational field so intense that light cannot penetrate it and no particle of matter can be exhumed from it.
• The complete inventory of Toys R Us would not be sufficient to satisfy the play needs of two 3-year-olds.
• Vertical stripes and solids make you appear thin-if you are 5'10" tall and weigh 115 lbs.
• When dieting pay attention to calories (they are those friendly little creatures who call to you at night from the top shelf of the refrigerator...and they know your name).
• When you do not recognize a food object in your refrigerator, you can bet it was once one of those "delicious, fat free, sugar free, high fiber snacks" you bought on your first day of dieting.
• If a market-research firm calls, always answer the first question with, "No". I repeat, if they ask you if you are between the ages of eight and eighty, answer "No".
• Socks have one purpose in life. Though they pose as toe and foot covers, they actually act as reminders of the mysteries of life (like where do socks go when they are not in the washer or the dryer?)