Top Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
- Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5 10)
- Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
- Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
- Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. (That's right: fourteen years of toil for a woman.) -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
- Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
- Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xeroxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
- When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
- Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.) -- David (2 Samuel 11)
- Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
- Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)