Puns, Word Plays and Related Madness
- Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
- Two wrongs do not make a right. ... but three lefts do.
- Endless love (def'n): Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
- Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.
- Debate (def'n): What worms are to a fisherman.
- Mischief (def'n): Sitting Bull's daughter.
- Liability (def'n): A talent for fibbing.
- Alien (def'n): What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
- Bathroom (def'n): A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
- Handi-wipes (def'n): Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, tablecloths, etc.
- Hindsight (def'n): What mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
- Homemade bread (def'n): An object of fiction, somewhat akin to the fountain of youth and the golden fleece.
- Makeup (def'n): Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. Which, curiously, makes mom look better while making her 11-year-old daughter "look like a tramp."
- Overstuffed recliner (def'n): Dad.
- Your "diligence factor" may be too high if you keep trying those techniques that were recommended by management consultants during the latest pendulum swing.
- Cowboy wisdom: Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Don't never interfere with nuthin that ain't botherin' you none.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels are never sucked into jet engines.
- Doctors say that those who are cheerful resist disease better than those that are grumpy.
- I guess that means the surly bird gets the germ.
- How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... None. The sockets go with the house.
- He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
- Question: What do you call 144 broken eggs? ... Gross.
- A recent report stated that over 50 million Americans are overweight. Those figures, of course, are rounded.
- A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from. ... Finally, it dawned on him.
- Laughing stock (def'n): Cattle with a sense of humor.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- Did you know how many people have trouble with fractions? ... Five out of three.
- Don't take life too seriously. ... Nobody ever gets out alive.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Have you heard about the new Political Trivial Pursuit game?... All questions; no answers.
- Say, is "person-person" the politically correct term for "mailman?"
- Fight truth decay. ... study the Bible daily.
- Do not wait for a hearse to take you to church.
- If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
- A recent poll found that 87 percent of Americans think they will go to heaven. In a related study, 44 percent said they believed heaven exists.
- Entropy isn't what it used to be.
- By the time our children are old enough not to say or do anything in public to annoy or embarrass us, they have reached an age when the things we routinely do and say annoy and embarrass them.
- Computer malfunction: The faulty interface is between the chair and the keyboard.
- The Theology professor asked the student, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation." "And how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up."
- A biologist and a mathematician watch a couple enter an empty house. Later, they observe three people leaving the house. The biologist's conclusion: they reproduced. The mathematician's conclusion: if exactly one person goes into the house it will again be empty.
- "Pieces of seven," "pieces of seven," squawked the parrot. It was only a one-bit parrot-y error.
- Did you know that in Japanese, tofu translates roughly into whale snot?
- Why don't we have cultured oil anywhere ... instead of only crude oil.
- What do owls sing as they scowl in a really bad rainstorm? ... "To wet to woo."
- Time is that attribute of the universe which keeps everything from happening at once. Lately it hasn't been working so well.
- Did you hear what happened to Frigidaire? ... Kelvinator.
- What do you get when you cross a mafia boss with an Economist? ... An offer you can't understand.
- What phobia is a fear of being asked "Who goes there?" ... Friendorphobia.
- What is fear of meeting a fat man in a red suit in a confined room for hanging clothes? ... Santaclaustrophobia.
- What is fear of the force? ... Obiewancanobieaphobia.
- What is fear of people named Phoebe? ... Phoebiaphobia.
- Test: To see if your mission on earth is complete. ... If you are still alive, it isn't.
- Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church? The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork." The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!" The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."
- Is an organization a home for wayward accordions?
- If, at first, you don't succeed, click "undo."
- Do you know the problem with French immersion? They don't hold them under long enough.
- How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.
- French gourmet BBQ: haute dog.
- Divorce: the transformation from a duet to a duel.
- The groudskeeper at a large cemetery stated proudly in his resume: "I have 10,000 people under me."
- Two cows were gossiping. Said one: "I herd it through the bo-vine."
- If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
- What do you call a fly with no wings? ... A walk.
- DAM (def'n): Mothers Against Dyslexia.
- Did you know Zsa Zsa Gabor has a new perfume? It is called "Arrested." ... Apparently you just slap it on.
- A news report indicated that women taking zinc during pregnancy had healthier babies. ... This should galvanize support for vitamins containing zinc, I suppose. Is this irony, ore what?
- Is a cartographer a guy who takes pictures of his car?
- Then is a foe-tographer one who takes pictures of his enemies?
- And is a stenographer one who takes pictures of his secretary?
- And is a faux-tographer one who takes pictures of life's embarrassing moments?
- "Support bowling! Get your kids off the streets and into the alleys."
- Several Scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They discovered and calibrated with dental equipment the smallest particles known to man. ... They were known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark."
- How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? ... Approximately 1.000000000000
- How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb? ... None. Efficiency experts only replace dark bulbs.
- There is a restaurant called "The Moon." ... Good food, but no atmosphere.
- What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large.
- What is the difference between writing about reality and writing fiction? Fiction has to make sense.