The Psychiatric Hotline's Voice Messaging System
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.