Science Definitions
Stogie (sto-gee) - Slang term for Cigar - Though the word stogie sounds like it is part of the Hobo vocabulary, many people who have IQ's above 50 also use the term. the word Stogie finds its roots in ancient Latin and is a derivitive of Boniphilum Stogimitimus the Latin term for "Get Help! the Chemical Factory is On FIRE!" though modern Stogies rarely emit toxic vapors when lit, the smoke of the tobacco is considered to be both habit forming and cancer causing. Luckily, for the tobacco companies it takes a long time to kill the smoker. So smokers can spend lots of money on Stogies before they loose the will to live and die. Cigarettes though having tobacco as one the ingredients, has far more toxic man-made compounds in their construction. So Now, everytime a cigarette is lit, someone is likely to yell out... BONIPHILUM STOGIMITIMUS!!!

Time (thyme) - A series of instants that started hella long ago, and is likely to go on for a while. Though travelling through time at a different rate of speed than everything else (typically referred to as "Time Travel") is not yet a technical possibility, the thought of doing so, is highly useful in turning otherwise boring movies into at least somewhat interesting ones. EXAMPLE: Without time travel, the hit movie Back To The Future would have been a 15 minute short subject possibly titled "Marty McFly: A Goofy Young Man, With A Simple Little Life" The Movie Timecop would just be Cop and the producers would likely have been sued by the makers of the fine television program entitled Cops.

Clock (klok) - Typically, a mechanical device used to measure units of time since time started being measured.(generally accepted to have been 543 years ago). Clocks prior to 1454, were nothing more than clever versions of boat anchors, it was thought that the constant ticking of the anchor would ward off the evil spirits that lurked in the icy depths below a ship that was stopped.

Russian Roulette (rushin-roo'-let) - A kids game, ironically, rarely played by Russian's. Unlike it's Las Vegas counterpart, the odds of winning are very slim. But loosing can spoil an otherwise perfectly good day.

Nerd (nird) ... see 'Bill Gates'

The Blues (the Blooz) - A popular type of music that is best when it makes you feel bad. Usually, performed by a seated musician, with a guitar, the Blues can be just as sad when performed by a young healthy performer who has good grammar.

Sea Monkey's (See Mun-keyz) - A community of small creatures that YOU bring to life from a foil pouch and a cup of water with salt in it. When you get your Sea-Monkeys home from the toy store, don't be disappointed if your kit doesn't produce the thriving community that's depicted on the enticing packaging art. In fact, only 3 out of 100 packages actually produce Sea-Monkeys intelligent enough to communicate with you, form weapons and build castles. Fun Tip:Next time you start a Sea-Monkey community, try decorating the brine with Country/Western boots and clothing... If you're lucky, You may get a crop that is not only fun to watch, but will likely be able to teach you to Line Dance!

Nylon (knie-lon) - A form of plastic invented by DuPont in 1936 that has a tensile strength 10 times that of steel Not only is nylon 10 times stronger than Steel...It also tastes 10 times better! Due to its tremendous strength, light weight, resilience to extremes of hot and cold conditions (not to mention, the fact most alien space craft are made entirely of nylon.) It is easy to see that nylon is the perfect material to use in the manufacture of both pantyhose and Polaris Missiles..

Battery (BAT-er-eeee) - A device capable of storing electrical energy. The first batteries were used by the Ancient Mayans to run their candles. A typical candle used 3 AA size batteries (manufactured by Gomez Rayovack, a prominent plastic surgeon in the tribe). The battery powered candle was common for nearly 200 years. Then one day, the Mayan King was visited by a friendly extra-terrestrial named Pohn-Schwey. Pohn-Schwey, bestowed upon the king many pieces of scientific knowledge. The most noteworthy being that Candles have a wick, and will operate WITHOUT Batteries!!!

Mentos(r) (men-TOES) - A refreshing Mint Candy. Though Mentos are known the world over as The Fresh Maker. Very few confectioneries are aware of some of the chemical properties of this treat. 1) No fewer than 3 Radioactive elements are used in its production 2) The Sassy teens portrayed in the popular Television Commercials are actually Men and women in there late 80's who are made to look young by ingesting vast quantities of the candy. 3) Grinding the candy into a fine powder and adding in some Ginseng Root, the formula becomes a powerful aphrodisiac. (as evident when viewing the commercials). 4) The fresh taste effectively conceals the scent of burning sulfur.

GHOST (gost) - A Free roaming vapor, typically the tortured spirit of a deceased individual. Much that is know about ghosts is from data gathered by Dr. Peter Venkman in the Early 1980's. Though ghosts can be very frightening, they will usually go away if you give them some cash for cigarettes. Usually, $10 is enough to drive a ghost from your home. (or $15 to drive them away from a friends Home).

AXIOM (axe-ee-um) - A property that can always be assumed to be true For Example: 5 = 5 is always true! NOTE: There is a team of Scientists who test all Axioms before they are issued, The Axiom stated above "5=5" has been designated AX-2346667-BZ. And took 7 years to be thoroughly tested and proven.

Bunsen Burner (bun-sin bur-ner) - An outlet to capture and ignite trapped gas in school walls When most schools are built, a geological survey is conducted to determine where gas pockets are likely to form. These areas are usually designed to be Chemistry and Physics labs. The builders of the school will equip these rooms with Bunsen Burners to help rid the walls of explosive methane as well as to give the kids something to burn during school time.

Chickenium (chi-KENNY-um) - A delicious isotope of Einsteinium. Highly toxic.

Photon (faux-tawn) - A packet of light. Photons come in 10oz boxes And in a handy Family size. They are credited with activating Photo-tint prescription glasses and keeping the Hubble Telescope juiced up.You can also make one mean torpedo out of 'em.

Peking Man (pea-king man) - An evolutionary predecessor to Homo Sapien (Modern Man) Usually stinking of gin, Peking Man would come home late from hunting parties empty handed, only to complain about the lack of food in the community shelter. Fire was introduced during Peking Mans rein on the planet, But it was only used to remove body hair. Only after a mishap at the Barber was it discovered that Fire could be used in cooking as well. Peking Man is also credited with being the worlds first Cannibals.

Philosopher (fill-oss-i-fir) - A person (typically) who summarizes human experience into eloquent description. You can recognize a Philosopher by their pale complexion and frail build. Philosophers spend a lot of time thinking, and not much doing. Though you would not last long in an argument with can certainly kick their ass in arm wrestling.

Periodic Table Of Elements - (peer-ee-odd-ik tay-bel ov elly-mints) . A Handy chart listing all the known elements of the universe. All form of matter is made up of elements contained in this table: From Diamond To Listerine(r) . So, one can think of the Periodic Table as an Universal Recipe without quantities or cooking times.