The Shaggy Dog
Once upon a time, way up in the very north of Canada, there lived a trapper named Sam. He was a poor man, but a great reader, who shared his hard and lonely life with several well-thumbed adventure yarns and a large shaggy dog called Rover. Now Rover wasn't much of a dog as pure-breds go, his pedigree having taken many a turn for the worse. You'd be hard put to say whether he was mostly terrier or wolfhound or husky. But he was big and likeable and, because of the cold climate, had a really exceptionally thick shaggy coat. One day, as Sam tramped along his trap lines, he called in at another trapper's hut. The hut was empty but, on the table, was a newspaper. Not a very up-to-the-minute newspaper, but a lot more up-to-date than anything Sam had read lately. So he fell upon it eagerly and read it from cover to cover. And there, on the back page, an item caught his eye. It said that, way down in the southern part of the country, an eccentric millionaire was offering half his fortune if only someone would bring him his dying wish, a really shaggy dog.
This piece of news had a startling effect on Sam. Here at last was a way to make his fortune. It was obvious! No more struggling through bitter winters. No more loneliness and hardship. He would simply head south with big, oh-so-shaggy Rover and the ailing millionaire would be a happy man. And so, of course, would Sam. Carefully he tore the item from the newspaper and placed it in his innermost pocket. Whistling for the dog, he hurried to his own cabin and there made preparations for his journey. It would be a long haul through some of the worst of the winter months, but he could do it! And so, with packsack and snowshoes, and Rover on a makeshift lead, he headed south.
(At this point you should add your own horrific tales of icy crevasses, blizzards, starvation, polar bears, thin ice, thick snow-- anything to make the journey as difficult and as courageous as possible.)
Weeks passed as Sam and Rover, footsore, frost-bitten and fuddled from lack of food, fought their way nearer and nearer to the millionaire's deathbed. Would they find his house? Would he have found another dog? Would he still be alive? Urgently, Sam made enquiries at each trading post or small homestead he passed. "My word, that's a shaggy dog you have there!" folks remarked whenever he stopped. As he drew nearer to civilisation, he learned with great relief that the search for a dog continued and that the millionaire's mansion lay at the top of a steep hill just visible on the horizon. Up they climbed, tired and tattered, arriving eventually at the huge oak-studded front door. Raising a weather-beaten hand, Sam tugged at the wrought iron bell-pull. Distantly the bell clanged. The door opened and a butler stood in the doorway.
"I've come about the shaggy dog story in this newspaper," said Sam, carefully drawing out the clipping from his innermost pocket and offering Rover's lead to the manservant. Silently the butler withdrew with the dog. Sam listened to his footsteps cross the vast hall and ascend the massive circular staircase. He waited patiently on the doorstep, dreaming of the luxury soon to be his. At last the butler reappeared. Solemnly he handed back the dog. "Not shaggy enough," he said, and shut the door.

On The Train

A young Scout was travelling on a long train trip across Canada. Sitting across from him was an older man, very neatly and precisely dressed. Across his knees he carried a briefcase upon which he nervously drummed his fingers. Since he looked to be rather an angry sort of man, the boy didn't like to start a conversation. Presently the man opened the briefcase and took out two paper napkins, a pocketknife and an apple. Carefully he peeled and cored the apple. He placed all the peelings on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the coach. By craning his neck, the boy was able to watch him move out onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peel onto the tracks.
When the man returned he dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled and cored apple, carefully cut it into thin slices, placed the slices onto the second napkin and made a similar neat parcel. To the boy's amazement he then repeated his routine. He moved to the end of the coach and threw the parcel on the line. When he returned, he picked up his briefcase, took out two more napkins and an orange which he began to peel...
(Now you spin out the story, having the man take all kinds of fruit, one at a time, from his case, peel each piece and throw away first the peel and then the fruit itself )
At last the young Scout could contain himself no longer and simply had to ask the man what he was doing. "I'm making a fruit salad," said the man. "Then why do you keep throwing it away?" the boy asked. "I should think that was obvious," snapped the man. "I'm throwing it away because I don't like fruit salad!"

The Gloop Maker
There once was a sailor returning to his ship. Just as he approached the edge of the dock, he slipped and fell into the water between ship and dockside. As he hit the water, the ship began to swing toward the harbour wall, and he would have been crushed to death had not a little man, with great presence of mind, thrown a rope and hauled him to safety. "Whew, thanks!" said the sailor. "You saved my life. Tell me, is there anything I can do for you in return?" "Well actually," said the man, "there is something. I'd dearly like to work aboard ship and, in fact, I was just on my way to look for a job when I saw you in the water. If you could put in a word for me. I'd be greatly obliged." "Done!" said the sailor. He took the little man on board and tracked down his immediate superior. "This man saved my life just now, and he really would very much like to have a job on the ship." "Well, I don't know," said the Petty Officer. "We have a full ship's complement, but I'll certainly put in a word on his behalf to my superior. What does he do?" "I'm a Gloop Maker," said the little man eagerly. Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Petty Officer didn't like to ask what exactly a Gloop Maker was, so he went to see the Chief Petty Officer. "This man saved the life of one of my seamen," he told the Chief. "Do you think we could find him a job aboard? He's a Gloop Maker." Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Chief asked the Warrant Officer, who asked the Sub-Lieutenant and so on, all the way through the chain of command until the request reached the Captain. After congratulating the little man, the Captain, not wanting to appear ignorant, named him ship's Gloop Maker and ordered the Supply Officer to provide whatever materials were necessary for work to commence. The little man asked for a strong block and tackle fitted up on the afterdeck, a small stool, a hammer and chisel, a portable furnace, a lump of iron measuring four metres by four metres, several kilograms of copper and several more of silver. As the ship sailed, the little man set his stool alongside the huge chunk of iron, lit the furnace and began to melt down the copper and silver. Then, with much hammering and chiselling, he began to add blobs of copper and curlicues of silver to the sides of the lump of iron. Each day crew members stopped and stared at the wondrously strange thing taking shape at the ship's stern. But not wishing to appear ignorant, nobody asked the Gloop Maker what he actually was making. "Coming along nicely," said the captain as he made his daily rounds. "Any idea precisely when it will be --ah-- ready?" "Oh yes," said the man. "At 1400 hrs. on July 15 we shall sail through the centre of the Bermuda Triangle. That's when it'll be ready, and I'd like the crew assembled on deck at that hour, if you please, sir." And so, the great day dawned, the men assembled and the Gloop Maker put down his hammer and chisel. Proudly he stood back and indicated that the block and tackle should be lowered onto his masterpiece, whose copper and silver curlicues gleamed in the sun. Carefully he directed it to be lifted from the deck and swung round until it hung over the sea at the ship's stern. "Ready, steady, go!" he cried, and he cut it free. And, as it fell into the deep blue waters of the Atlantic, it went, "GLOOP!"

The Big Picture
One day, in the middle of a small but hard-fought ground war, there is a small squad of soldiers sitting on a hill. A radio message comes in, and is taken by the communications officer, a sergeant. He says, "Right, men! We have to take that hill over there!" And so they start fighting to take the hill. They fight all day and all night, and most of the next day, and eventually they take the hill. Just as soon as they've taken it, they receive another message on the radio. The sergeant takes the message, and then says, "Right men! Retreat back to that hill!" And so they retreat back to the hill that they came from. When they're safely dug back in on their original hill, one of the men goes to his sergeant, and says, "Excuse me, sir, but why did we fight all day and all night to take that hill, only to have to retreat again immediately? It seems bloody idiotic, if you ask me." The sergeant frowns, and says, "Well, you see, you don't get to see the big picture. If you saw the big picture, you'd understand." The soldier starts thinking, and works hard, and after a while he eventually gets promoted to corporal, and then to sergeant. On his first day as a new sergeant, he asks one of his fellow NCOs, "So, what is the big picture, then?" The other sergeant looks at him, and says, "Well, you don't really get to see the big picture at this level. It's only the captain that gets to see this big picture."
So the soldier decides that he's going to find out what the big picture is. He works hard, goes to Sandhurst, and after a few years eventually gets promoted through lieutenant to captain. On his first day in the Officers' Mess, he goes up to another captain, and asks him, "Tell me - you've been in this game longer than I have. What's the big picture?" The other captain looks at him, and says, "Well, I don't see the big picture myself, but I'm told that the general staff know what the big picture is." The soldier is disappointed, of course, but he works hard, comports himself well during training missions, and, after a long while, manages to get himself promoted into a position where he might be able to join the general staff. He applies for a position on the general staff, and, after another long while, manages to get it. On his first day, he finds a colonel in the cafeteria, and asks him, "I've been told that we get to see the big picture here."
The colonel purses his lips, and frowns, and then says, "Well, we tell that to everyone else, but we don't really get to see the big picture. It's only the high command that see the big picture. You'll have to ask them." So our soldier carries on his work on the general staff, and, over the years, rises higher and higher within the organisation. After a while, he gets promoted, and finds himself in command of several divisions. At the first meeting of the high commanders, he asks, "Look, I've been hearing about the big picture for years now, and they say that you're the people to ask." One of the generals around the table says, "Well, of course we don't see the big picture. We get our orders from the politicians. They're the ones who really see the big picture."
So, the soldier looks for opportunities to enter politics. He joins a political party, and becomes active in his local branch of the party. After a while, he takes early retirement from the military, and runs for office. He becomes a local councillor, and makes a good enough showing in the council chamber that he gets put on the shortlist for his constituency. At the next general election, he manages to get elected to the House of Commons. On his first day, he's sitting in the Commons' Bar, and asks a fellow MP, "In the military, they said that Parliament gets to see the big picture. So -- what is the big picture?" The MP looks at him, and says, "Well, as a backbencher, you don't get to see much, really. It's only the cabinet that really see the big picture. You'll have to ask them."
So our (now retired) soldier starts working to become a cabinet minister. He joins several select committees, eventually becoming head of one. After a while, he gets noticed by one of the ministers, and, in the next reshuffle, he is given a minor post in the cabinet. At his first cabinet meeting, he sits through the meeting quietly, and afterwards he asks one of the more senior ministers, "So, what was the big picture? I didn't get it from that meeting."
The minister replies, "Well, it's not that easy to see from here. You see, we only handle the political side of things. There's all the economic stuff as well -- and you only really get that in industry. You'll have to ask the economists in industry."
So, the junior minister works hard again, and gets promoted to senior minister, and after a while, he gets re-shuffled out of the cabinet again. At this point, he announces his retirement from politics, and, as a result of the contacts that he's made from being in politics, he manages to get himself a place on the board of one of the big city corporations. At the first full board meeting, they work through all of the agenda items. He doesn't really follow it all, but bravely sticks it out to the end, and when they get to "any other business" on the agenda, he puts his hand up, and says, "So... what is the big picture?"
And the treasurer of the company looks at him in horror, and says, "Oh, God! Don't tell me you were on that bloody hill, too!"

Dogs in the Wild West
One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer". Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender, getting a little irate, said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave." The dog growled, so the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot! The dog yelped, and ran out the door. The next day, the swinging bar doors were tossed open and in walks the dog that had been in the saloon the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

The Bush Pilot
A British bush pilot is flying on a job through the Australian outback when he encounters engine problems and is forced to make a crash landing. He survives, but is found unconscious and is taken to a local mission hospital which is run by the Sisters of Mercy. Upon awakening, he is greeted by the mother superior who advises him where he is and asks if there is anything he wants. He replies, "I am a bit thirsty...could I have a cup of tea?" to which the mother superior says, "I'm terribly sorry, but our supply truck is late and we are out of regular tea. However, we do have a sort of native drink that is brewed from koala hides." the pilot thinks awhile and replies, "Well, I just have to have my cuppa...you can bring me that, thanks." The nun leaves and returns in a few minutes with a steaming cup. The pilot takes the cup gratefully, but upon taking a sip, instantly gags and spits it out. "This tea is filled with hair!", he exclaims disgustedly. "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry!" The nun replies, "I forgot to tell you: The koala tea of mercy is not strained!"

Buford at the Bank
Buford, a fairly handsome Southern Bullfrog, hops into a bank lobby one day, brief case neatly tucked under his right foreleg. Buford hops up to the first open teller window and sits down in front of a teller, Miss Mary Greene. He announces, "I need a loan." Miss Greene, not wanting to look too uncool with this frog talking to her, pauses only briefly to reflect on this situation, then says, "Well, the Everglades Savings and Loan doesn't usually give loans to amphibians." Quickly opening the brief case, Buford produces construction permits and blueprints. Showing them to Miss Greene, he says, "But I need a loan. You see I have this construction project in mind. Down in the swamp, we need affordable housing for all my in-laws and out-laws. I have the permits. Freddy, an architect newt friend of mine has drawn up the plans. Everything is approved and in order. So you see, all I need is the financing." For Miss Greene, this is getting stranger by the moment. It isn't enough that there is this talking frog only inches in front of her, but now he is talking about plans, permits and a newt architect. Just before she loses it completely, Miss Greene blurts out, "I can't help you. You must see our loan officer, Miss Black. Wait here for a moment and I'll get her." Miss Greene is gone for a while. After several minutes of animated conversation at the other side of the bank she returns with the loan officer. "Hello, I'm Miss Patricia Black, the Loan Officer here. How can I help you?" Well, Buford goes through his speech once again, tells her about the plans and permits, about the housing and his friend Freddy the newt architect. Thinking she could put an end to this foolishness quickly, Miss Black asks, "What do you have to put up for collateral for a loan? You must have something of value to mortgage against a loan like this."
Buford digs into his brief case once more. "I have this!" he exclaims as he draws forth a crystal trinket on a silver chain. "I can't give you a loan based on this THING," Miss Black says, pointing at Buford's treasure. Buford begs. He pleads. Finally, Buford demands to see the bank manager. Miss Greene, the teller, leaves for a moment to get the bank manager. Another animated conversation ensues at the other side of the bank. The manager comes over and asks "What's the problem, Miss Black?" "Well, Mr. Brown..." and the Loan Manager explains that the frog wants to take out a loan, to construct housing in the swamp for his in-laws and out-laws and he has plans and permits, but all he has is this trinket as collateral. The manager bemused by this whole situation, takes the trinket in hand, examines it carefully, then hands it back to Buford saying, "It's a knick knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

The Chicken in the Library
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!" The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears. The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!" The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears. The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

The Rope
I was Abilene's sheriff. I think I was the youngest sheriff in the territories. One afternoon, while I was playing 5-card stud in my favourite saloon, I happened to glance out towards the street. I saw a rope ride into town. Right away I knew it was trouble. Nobody likes ropes. This one had been riding all day. It looked as dry, and it probably smelled as bad, as the old straw broom that One-Eye Judd has been using in his stable for the last five years. The rope headed straight for the saloon where I was sitting, obviously hankering for good whiskey to wash away the trail dust. I could see how the rope moved like a cobra, maybe 30 feet coiled in the dust and ready to lash out. I checked my shootin' iron under the table, trying not to be obvious. The rope used its "head" to push the saloon's swinging door open. It snaked its way across the floor to the bar, pulled itself up onto a stool and called for a drink. The bartender was a new fellow from Larame. He glared at the rope and said, "Are you a rope?" When the rope answered, "Yes", the bartender said, "Get out. We don't serve ropes in here." When the rope didn't move, the bartender carefully reached over the bar, took hold of the rope's main coil with one hand, while holding its "head" in a death grip with the other hand, walked to the door, and threw all 35 feet of the noisome thing out onto the street. A couple of the men smiled, but nothing else happened. I relaxed and picked up my cards again. Apparently there wasn't going to be trouble. But then I heard someone bellow, "That stinkin' rope is heading for the other saloon! Let's get him!" I looked at my cards -- 4 jacks. Why does trouble always wait till I draw a winner? I hurried out into the street, just as the rope entered the other saloon. I could see how tired the rope was, really dragging itself. I felt sorry for the poor thing, but I didn't let the townsfolk see this in my face. One man can't fight an entire town, if you take my meaning.
In less time than it takes to load a six-gun, the rope came flying out the saloon door and landed in a heap in the middle of the street. Well, it was a rope. What else did it expect?
I knew this affair wasn't over. So I stood in the shadows and waited. After a few minutes, I saw two other ropes slinking down the far side of the street. They crossed over and began to talk with the newcomer. I could hear most of what they said. "What happened to you?" asked one of the local ropes. The newcomer described what had happened in each saloon. "Oh," said third rope, "obviously you don't know the trick. Watch me." The third rope unravelled both of its ends until they looked like paintbrushes. Then the rope looped and twisted itself into a tangled mess. I wondered how it could keep track of itself like that, or even know where its ends were; but it scooted handily across the street and under the swinging door of the nearest saloon and up onto a barstool inside. I was impressed. Can you slide 100 feet on your stomach with your arms and legs twisted together? I guess ropes have the instinct for it. I watched as the bartender approached and asked suspiciously, "Are you a rope?" The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

The Knight on the Black Horse
One day at the gates of the king's castle in a far off land, a knight approaches. When he reaches the gates, the gate keeper comes out and says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to see the king.' `All right then, in you go.'
So the knight proceeded to find the king. When they meet, the king says, `Who are you?' The knight replies `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to marry the princess.' The king replies, `In which case you need to get the gold ring from the red dragon.' So the knight proceeds to find the red dragon. On meeting him, the dragon says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want the gold ring.' `All right, there you go,' says the dragon, throwing it over.
The knight then gallops back to the castle. As he arrives, he is approached by the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper then says `Who are you?' The knight replies `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to see the king.' `All right then, in you go.'
So the knight proceeded to find the king. When they meet, the king says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to marry the princess.' The king replies, `Have you got the gold ring from the red dragon?' `Yes.' To which the king replies, `In which case, you need to get the silver ring from the yellow dragon.'
So the knight proceeds to find the yellow dragon. On meeting him, the dragon says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want the silver ring.' `All right, there you go,' says the dragon, throwing it over.
The knight then gallops back to the castle. As he arrives, he is approached by the gatekeeper. The gate-keeper then says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to see the king.' `All right then, in you go.'
So the knight proceeded to find the king. When they meet, the king says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to marry the princess.' The king replies, `Have you got the gold ring from the red dragon?' `Yes.' `Have you got the silver ring from the yellow dragon?' `Yes.' To which the king replies, `In which case, you need to get the ruby ring from the purple dragon.'
So the knight proceeds to find the purple dragon. On meeting him, the dragon says `Who are you?' The knight replies `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want the ruby ring' `All right, there you go,' says the dragon, throwing it over.
The knight then gallops back to the castle. As he arrives, he is approached by the gatekeeper. The gate-keeper then says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to see the king.' `All right then, in you go.'
So the knight proceeded to find the king. When they meet, the king says, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse?' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to marry the princess.' The king replies, `Have you got the gold ring from the red dragon?' `Yes.' `Have you got the silver ring from the yellow dragon?' `Yes.' `Have you got the ruby ring from the purple dragon?' `Yes.' `In which case you will find my daughter in her room.'
So the knight gallops to the princess' room. Upon meeting him, the princess exclaims, `Who are you?' The knight replies, `I am the black knight on the black horse.' `Not the black knight on the black horse?' `Yes, the black knight on the black horse!' `What do you want?' `I want to ask you a question.' `Well go on then', replied the princess. `Will you marry me?' `NO!'

The Purple Land
Once upon a purple time in a purple kingdom, there lived a purple people. These were a happy purple people and lived their purple lives in purple peace and purple bliss. Then one purple day a purple dragon came from over the purple sea from a purple land far away, and took up its purple home in a purple cave upon the purple mountains. This was an evil purple dragon, and spent its purple days eating the poor purple people of the purple villages, and burning their purple homes with its purple fiery breath.
Purple news of these evil purple deeds came to the purple ears of the purple king in his beautiful purple castle next to the purple lake - and his purple heart was heavy. He called his purple counsellors to his purple side and said in his really impressive baritone purple voice: `Who can free my purple subjects from this flying purple menace over yonder purple hills and upon the purple mountains?'
One purple man stood up and spoke to the purple king. `My Purple Lord - our purple people will be destroyed by this purple evil - you must send for your purple knights and send them on a purple quest to kill the purple dragon and cut out its purple heart!'
So the purple king called in his purple knights and sent them on a purple quest over the purple lake and over the purple hills up to the purple mountains to kill the purple dragon and cut out its purple heart, promising that whichever purple knight fulfils the purple quest we be given the purple hand of his purple daughter in purple marriage.
The first purple knight put on his purple armour and picked up his purple sword, jumped on his purple steed and rode off into the purple sunrise. He rode around the purple lake, across the purple plains, over the purple hills and up to the purple mountains. Leaving his purple horse behind, he climbed up the purple rocks to the purple dragon's purple lair. He charged into the purple cave with purple sword held high above his purple head. Sadly, the purple dragon killed him and ate him with his huge purple teeth.
The second purple knight put on his purple armour and picked up his purple sword, jumped on his purple steed and rode off into the purple sunrise. He rode around the purple lake, across the purple plains, over the purple hills and up to the purple mountains. Leaving his purple horse behind, he climbed up the purple rocks to the purple dragon's purple lair, creeping around the purple remains of the first purple knight. Sadly, the purple dragon killed him and ate him also.
The third purple knight put on his purple armour and picked up his purple sword, jumped on his purple steed and rode off into the purple sunrise. He rode around the purple lake, across the purple plains, over the purple hills and up to the purple mountains. Leaving his purple horse behind, he climbed up the purple rocks to the purple dragon's purple lair. Seeing the dismembered purple bodies of the other purple knights, he lost his purple nerves and ran from the purple cave, and down the purple mountain and over the purple hills.
As he neared the purple edge of the purple city, he wondered what the purple people would say of his purple cowardice - and came upon a purple plan. `If I could kill a purple sheep, and cut its purple heart out', he thought, `I could pretend the purple heart belongs to the purple dragon, and win the purple respect of the purple king, and of the purple people, and have the purple hand of the purple princess in purple marriage!'.
So he tracked a purple sheep grazing in the purple woods, and shot it with his purple bow. He cut its purple heart from its purple body, and placed it in a leather purple bag. Then he jumped upon his purple steed and raced across the purple plains, around the purple lake up to the purple city. He rode in purple triumph through the purple streets and shouted to the purple people: `I have slain the purple dragon!' And how the purple people cheered!
He came up to the purple gates of the purple castle, and leapt from his purple horse. Picking the purple bag up with its purple sheep's heart he ran up the purple steps, and down the purple corridors and up to the purple hall where the purple king sat upon his purple throne. `O purple king!' he cried, `the purple dragon lives no more! His evil purple heart was cut out by own purple hands, and lies now within this purple bag!'
But the purple king grew angry - and shouted at the purple knight. `You are a purple coward and a purple liar. My purple spies saw your nefarious purple deed, and I know that what lies within this purple bag is nothing but the purple heart of a purple sheep! Purple guards! purple guards!' The purple guards raced into the purple hall and seized the purple knight and locked him in purple manacles. They dragged him from the purple hall, along the purple corridor, down the purple steps, and into the purple dungeons. They put a purple key into the purple lock of a purple cell, and picked up the purple knight by his purple arms and threw him into the purple cell. And as the purple knight landed on the cold, purple stones of the purple floor of the purple cell, they shouted: `Indigo!'

The Spider in the Pub
One Monday, a man goes into a pub for lunch. He orders his lunch and a pint from the barman, and takes a seat. He's never been there before, and is therefore quite surprised when, all of a sudden, a spider runs out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor, up the wall and out of the window. About an hour later, the spider comes in the window, down the wall, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor and into the kitchen.
He's so amazed by this spider, that he goes to the pub for lunch on Tuesday as well. He orders his lunch and a pint from the barman, and as he's sitting there, the spider runs out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor, up the wall and out of the window. About an hour later, the spider comes in the window, down the wall, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor and into the kitchen.
He tells a friend about this, and so on Wednesday they go to the pub together. They order lunch and a couple of pints from the barman, and sit down. After a little while, the spider runs out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor, up the wall and out of the window. About an hour later, the spider comes in the window, down the wall, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor and into the kitchen.
His friend is astonished by this, too, and so the next day they both tell a couple of people about this, so come lunchtime, there are about six or seven people in the pub, ordering lunch. As they wait, the spider runs out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor, up the wall and out of the window. About an hour later, the spider comes in the window, down the wall, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor and into the kitchen.
Everyone is astonished by the behaviour of this spider, and so on Friday there is a huge crowd of people filling this pub at lunchtime, waiting for the spider. Sure enough, eventually the spider comes out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor, and up the wall. It then runs back down the wall, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor and into the kitchen.
Our hero is confused by this, and asks the barman, `Why, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday did the spider run out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor, up the wall and out of the window, and then about an hour later, come in the window, down the wall, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor and into the kitchen, but today it came out of the kitchen, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor, and up the wall, back down the wall, across the floor, up the side of the bar, across the bar, down the other side of the bar, across the floor and into the kitchen again?'
And the barman replies, `Because the window's closed.'

The Skier and the Bell Rope
There's this man, Smith, who goes skiing in Switzerland every year. He's quite good at it, but, of course, accidents will happen, and one year Smith has a nasty fall, and breaks his leg very badly. Being pretty well off, Smith gets himself placed in a very good, very exclusive hospice, run by a group of nuns. Smith's leg isn't in terribly good condition, and they decide to keep him bed-ridden for a couple of weeks to take all the strain off it.
Now, in Smith's room, hanging next to his bed, there is a silken rope, like a bell rope, running up into the ceiling. It's got a little tassel on the end, and is a restful, tasteful and generally eye-pleasing shade of blue. When his nurse comes in, she empties his bedpan, and generally tidies up the room, and then Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. She says, `Well, we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, and she said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, and she said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, and she said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, and they said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's secretary', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's secretary to ask the Cardinal', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's Secretary to ask the Cardinal to ask the College of Cardinals', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, who asked the College of Cardinals, and they said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's Secretary to ask the Cardinal to ask the College of Cardinals to ask the Pope's secretary', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, who asked the College of Cardinals who asked the Pope's secretary, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's Secretary to ask the Cardinal to ask the College of Cardinals to ask the Pope's secretary to ask the Pope', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, who asked the College of Cardinals who asked the Pope's secretary, who asked the Pope, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's Secretary to ask the Cardinal to ask the College of Cardinals to ask the Pope's secretary to ask the Pope to ask St Peter', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, who asked the College of Cardinals who asked the Pope's secretary, who asked the Pope, who asked St Peter, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's Secretary to ask the Cardinal to ask the College of Cardinals to ask the Pope's secretary to ask the Pope to ask St Peter to ask the Archangel Gabriel', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, who asked the College of Cardinals who asked the Pope's secretary, who asked the Pope, who asked St Peter, who asked the Archangel Gabriel, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's Secretary to ask the Cardinal to ask the College of Cardinals to ask the Pope's secretary to ask the Pope to ask St Peter to ask the Archangel Gabriel to ask God', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, who asked the College of Cardinals who asked the Pope's secretary, who asked the Pope, who asked St Peter, who asked the Archangel Gabriel, who asked God, and he said that we don't normally let patients do that', and then leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `If you're so insistent about it, I'll ask Matron to ask the doctor to ask the Mother Superior to ask the Abbé to ask the Curé to ask the Bishop to ask the Diocesan Council to ask the Archbishop to ask the Cardinal's Secretary to ask the Cardinal to ask the College of Cardinals to ask the Pope's secretary to ask the Pope to ask St Peter to ask the Archangel Gabriel to ask God to ask Bill Gates', and she leaves the room.
The next day, the nurse comes in, empties his bedpan and tidies up the room, and Smith asks her if he can pull the cord. The nurse says `Well, I asked Matron, who asked the doctor, who asked the Mother Superior, who asked the Abbé, who asked the Curé, who asked the Bishop, who asked the Diocesan Council, who asked the Archbishop, who asked the Cardinal's secretary, who asked the Cardinal, who asked the College of Cardinals who asked the Pope's secretary, who asked the Pope, who asked St Peter, who asked the Archangel Gabriel, who asked God, who asked Bill Gates, and he said "yes"'.
Smith is astounded at getting an answer finally, and he asks, `So, Bill Gates told God who told the Archangel Gabriel who told St Peter who told the Pope who told his secretary who told the College of Cardinals who told the Cardinal who told his secretary who told the Archbishop who told the Diocesan Council who told the Bishop who told the Curé who told the Abbé who told the Mother Superior who told the doctor who told Matron who told you that you could tell me that I could pull this bell rope?' And the nurse says, `Yes'. So Smith reached out his hand, and pulled the bell rope, and the light came on.

The Gorilla
One night, a tired executive arrived back home and was just about to open the front door when he heard a terrible sound coming from the top of his house. He stepped back into the garden and looked up. There on his roof was a great big gorilla. He rushed inside and phoned the RSPCA. "Do you remove gorillas?" he asked. "Sorry, we don't deal with gorillas, try the police." Next he phoned the police. "Do you remove gorillas?" he asked. "Sorry, we don't deal with gorillas, try the Yellow Pages." Well, by this time our executive was becoming quite desperate, so he grabbed the phone book and started to look through the Yellow Pages. To his surprise and delight, he stumbled across "Paddy's Gorilla Removal Service". So he quickly phoned. "Paddy? I know it's late, but I have an emergency, there's a gorilla on my roof and I need it removed at once." "Sorry Sir," says Paddy, "I can't help you today." "What do you mean you can't help me today!" screamed our executive. "Well it's like this sir," says Paddy. "My assistants away, and I cannot possibly do such a dangerous job without an assistant." "Well, how about if I assist you?" says our desperate executive. "But sir, you have no training," says our Paddy. "Look, I'm a highly educated man and I'll pay you double if you come out tonight." "Done, that will be £1,000 " says Paddy. So the executive nervously awaited the arrival of Paddy. True to his word Paddy arrived in his van within the half-hour. On the roof of his van was a great big extension ladder that he proceeded to untie and lay on the lawn in front of the house. Next, Paddy went inside the van and grabbed a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. He laid these on the lawn next to the extension ladder. Finally Paddy opened the back of the van and wrestled the most ferocious dog out of the van and tied it to the back bumper of the van. "Well" says Paddy, "If you are to be my assistant, I'd better tell you what to do. I'm going to put the extension ladder up against the house and climb onto the roof. Next I'll wrestle the gorilla and throw him to the ground. When the gorilla lands on the ground he's going to be winded for a few moments - now the important part - the dog is going to get so excited he'll break his leash and dash and bite the gorilla's bum. The gorilla will be in so much pain he'll raise his hands over his head, and that is when you slap the handcuffs on him. Do you understand?" "I'm pretty sure I understand" says our executive, "but just to make sure, let me run through this with you. Paddy. You'll take the extension ladder, lay it against the house. You'll climb to the roof and wrestle the gorilla till he falls to the ground. The dog gets excited and breaks his leash and dashes to bite the gorilla's bum. The gorilla is in so much pain that he raises his arms and I slap the handcuffs on him." "Very good," says our Paddy. "I just have one question" says our executive, "what is the shotgun for?" "I'm very glad you asked" says Paddy. "It's like this sir, sometimes when I climb up on a roof, the gorilla gets the better of me and I land on the lawn." "That's when you shoot the dog!"

The Bold Knight
Once upon a time and very long ago, there was a bold knight who set out on a quest to rescue fair maidens and slay dragons. He travelled many miles on his trusty steed. Through fields, forests, deserts, across swamps, but could find no maidens to rescue, or dragons to slay. After many days of travel he entered a large forest. As he went further it became darker. Then it became really dark as a storm rolled in and it began to thunder and lightning. Eventually his faithful horse could go no further and collapsed from his great effort. The knight said a sad farewell and continued on foot. He marched many miles and the rain made his armour rusty and his food supplies were gone. Just as he began to have thoughts of this being his end, he saw a castle through the trees. He pressed onward till he reached the castle drawbridge. He drew his sword and rattled it on the drawbridge until they opened it for him. He was received with courtesy and given fresh food and his armour was serviced. The castle's owner said, "Sir knight, what are you doing in this dark forest on such an awful rainy day and with no horse." "Sire" said our knight, "I am on a quest to rescue fair maidens and slay dragons. I have travelled many many miles through deserts, swamps and forests. My trusty steed alas, expired. Now I am on foot and beseech you to give me victuals and a steed, so that I may continue my quest." "Sir Knight" says our castle owner, "I have victuals prepared for you, but alas, I have no horse. However, I do have the world's largest breed of dog, fully fifteen hands high at the shoulder. Let us go and see, what sayest thou?" So off they went through wind and driving rain, and sure enough there is a monstrous dog in the stables. "Sire" says our knight, "do not think me rude, but you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"

Dividing the Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

What a Dog
A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Pity's sake!", to which the guy responds "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key.

The Shepherd
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced towards him out of a dust cloud. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cellphone, surfs to a NASA page where he calls up a GPS navigation system, scans the area and opens a database and some 60 spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints a 150-page report on a miniature printer, turns to our shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!" "That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. As the car starts to pull away, he calls out: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not?" answers the young man, stopping the car. "You are a consultant" says the shepherd. "That's correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess?" "Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here without being asked. You want to be paid for information I already have. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

Do You Have A Light?
Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?) The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it!!!". Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again. The passenger says, "What did you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" All of a sudden, AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old man is looking in the window. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard. Suddenly, again there is more knocking! "HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

The Cake
A man walks into a cake shop and asks if they make speciality cakes to order. “Certainly, sir, what would you like on it?” “Well, I want 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and four doves: two up and two down.' Could you make that?” “Certainly sir, I'll just check to see I've got it right. You want 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and four doves: two up and two down,' is that right?” “That's right, how long would that take?” “Sir, we could have that for you in one week.” “Great, I'll come back in a week.”
The following week the man comes back and asks for his cake. The cook goes out the back and brings in his cake. “Here you are, sir, here's your cake, 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and five doves: three up and two down.' ” “No, No, No! That's not my cake. Listen, I asked for 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and FOUR doves: two up and two down.' How long will it take you to fix it up?” “My sincerest apologies, sir, let's see, you want 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and four doves: two up and two down,' is that right? Could you come back in four hours?” “I guess, so,” says the man and leaves.
Four hours later he returns and asks for his cake. The cook goes out the back and comes back with it. “Here you are, sir, 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and six doves: three up and three down.' ” “No, No, No! That's not my cake. Listen, I asked for 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and FOUR doves: two up and two down.' How long will it take you to fix it up?” “I'm very, very sorry sir, I don't know how this happened. Let's see, you want 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and FOUR doves: two up and two down.' Could you come back in an hour?” “I suppose so,” says the man and storms out.
When he comes back, he says, “I hope you've got my cake,” and the cook goes out the back and brings back a cake and says, “Here you go, sir, 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and two doves: one up and one down.' How's that?” The man hits the roof and is fair yelling down the throat of the cook. “No, No, No! That's not my cake. Listen, I asked for 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and FOUR doves: two up and two down.' What are you going to do about it???” “I'm terribly terribly sorry, sir, wait here one minute.” And the cook takes the cake out the back.
One minute later he comes back producing a cake and proudly announcing, “there you go, sir, 'Hands across the ocean, Hearts entwined, Herbert loves Helen, pink and white, all crinkly around the edges, with hundreds and thousands and FOUR doves: two up and two down.' How's that?” “That's perfect! That's great. THAT'S MY CAKE!!” The man was now quite excited. “Very good, sir.” The cook was now quite relieved. “Now, we have special gift boxes for special cakes. Would you like me to put it in a special cake box with special wrapping?” “No, thanks. Have you got a spoon? I'll eat it here.”

The Metalworker

A man and his dog go into a nice old country pub, you know, wooden bar, fireplace, cosy atmosphere, but the barman immediately says to him that he can't bring his dog in. “But you've got that other dog down the end of the bar,” he says. The bartender tells him that that's different, “he's a woodworker,” he says. “What do you mean he's a woodworker, he's just a dog.” Says the man. “Well,” replies the bartender, “ he's made this bar, he's built the publican a boat and he's installing the kitchen out the back.” “Oh well, did I forget to mention my dogs a metalworker?” says the man. “What?” says the bartender, “he's just a mangy mutt!” “No, he's a metalworker. If I prove that to you, can he stay?” “Oh, well, if you can prove he's a metalworker, I guess he can stay.”
“Okay. Can you just put the poker in the fire to heat up, and I'll have a beer while we're waiting,” says the man. The bartender decides to humour him and pulls him a beer and then puts the poker in the fire. Some time passes by and the bartender can't contain himself any longer. He says, “Just what is your dog going to make and what's the hot poker for?” “Well,” replies the man, finishing his drink, “when the poker's red hot, I'm going to touch the dog's tail with it and he's either going to make a spring for your throat or a bolt for the door!”