Thoughts on Mismanagement in the Workplace

Monkeybrain is ubiquitous, multifarious, and many-headed. We all know him, but how do we pin him down in words. This is one attempt. All characters are ficitious, of course, bearing no resemblence to the living or dead.

Definition of a Monkeybrain Manager

1. A manager who hears nothing, sees nothing, and knows nothing about management.
2. A manager who, if he had the slightest inkling of what it was to be a manager, wouldn't be interested. (For every he, read he/she, for it is widely known that Monkeybrains have no respect for gender.)
3. One who muddles management, simulates a simian, and is, by and large, largely brain dead.
4. A manager whose primary concern is his own concern.
5. A manager who leaves you with one important thought. That if you can survive him, you can survive anything.
6. A manager who can change his opinion in less time than it takes to say, “Duh ....”
7. A manager who knows nothing, basically knows he knows nothing, but persists in the pretense that he knows everything.
8. A vacuum that has risen from the status of a cipher to achieve the notoriety of a nonentity.

Monkeybrain's Responses to a New Idea

1. But ... but ... but ...
2. If only, you know ... (closing his eyes in deepest thought).
3. As a matter of fact, we had thought of that.
4. If only we had the people ...
5. If only we had the finances ...
6. Looks like rain.
7. Why don't you talk to, ahhh ...
8. Interesting.... But you'll never guess who I bumped into the other day?
9. There are two ways of looking at that. Neither of which are ... that is, both of which are ....
10. Funny, I was just thinking of that.
11. Say that again.
12. There was a guy before who thought like you.

Monkeybrain's Principles for Handling Staff

1. Steer clear of anyone who knows his stuff; if he knows his stuff, he is likely to know yours, too.
2. There two kinds of people: those who can be made use of and those who cannot. Telling them apart is easy: those who can be used are generally useless; those who cannot be used are generally useful.
3. Find people with weaknesses, and exploit them.
4. Wait for the lazy, the lacking, and the lamebrained. They'll come to you like ducks to water.
5. Never utter a kind word without an ulterior motive; and even then, think twice.
6. Never praise anyone's work unless there's something in it for you.
7. Do nothing that lacks political pinnings.
8. Performance evaluations should never made on their own merits, but closely tied to political objectives.
9. Foster dissension among staff to forestall feelings of solidarity.

Monkeybrain's Rules for Survival

1. Strive to keep people ignorant of your ignorance (if they are not ignorant of it already ... or whatever).
2. Occasionally impress by uttering a word of wisdom (ignoring agonized eyes).
3. Carry the Director's briefcase whenever possible.
4. Carry the Director's briefcase for as long as possible once glomed onto it.
5. Carry the Director's briefcase in such a way as to suggest that one's life would be too small a price to pay in its defence.
6. See that the Director appreciates how highly your staff regard you.
7. Agree, with seemly reservation, with all negative comments made by the Director about other people.
8. Agree, with increasingly seemly reservation, with all positive comments made by the Director about other people.
9. Let the Director know, in the most circulatory way, that you feel he is doing an exceedingly wonderful job.
10. When the Director says something, laugh, smile, and look solemn, as circumstances dictate. Then, as circumstances dictate, laugh, smile, and sook solemn.
11. Never forget that the most noteworthy detail of the day may lie in the crease in the Director's pants.

Monkeybrains in Conference

• #1. I've got an idea. #2. Where'd you get it?
• #1. The new guy seems to be a hard worker. #2. A troublemaker, mark my words.
• #1. You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours #2. No, no, no. You scratch my back, I'll scratch
• yours
• #1. I said blah-blah to the CEO, and he said blah to me. #2. No, no. I said blah to the CEO, he said blah-blah to me.
• #1. I don't know what this talk about training is all about. I picked everything I know along the way. #2. Yes, and it doesn't show a bit.
• #1. I'm so busy I hardly have time to work. #2. That's nothing. I'm busy, but I doing a lot of work as well.
• #1. I'm concerned with Efficiency. #2. Who do you mean?
• #1. I can't sleep nights thinking about my work. #2. I hate it when things get turned around like that.
• #1. If only ... #2. I know ... #3. But ... #4. On the other hand ... #5. From a different perspective ... #6. To be brief ... #1. I suggest we wrap it up. We seem to be in agreement.
• #1. We need new chairs in the office. #2. With armrests or without? #3. I should say “with,” except when there's no need. #1. To summarize: new chairs are to be ordered with armrests except when there's no need, subject to further discussion. #2. Let's take a well-deserved break.
• #1. The perfect employee ... someone who does what he's told, I'd say. #2. Does what he's told but nothing more. #3. And never bitches. #1. Asks your opinion but doesn't demand that you have one. #2. And if you do have one, doesn't dispute it. #3. Doesn't contradict you at meetings, that's important. #1. And no conniving with other staff. #2. Someone who works independently, but doesn't go too far. #3. You can never be sure about someone with a streak of independence. #1. Someone with some independence but someone you've got something on. #2. A give-and-take situation. #3. We give them something for something in return.

Monkeybrain and Zen Riddles

• What's the sound of two Monkeybrains convening? Answer: Robins Williams being interviewed while he stands on his head.
• If Monkeybrain had a brain, where would you find it? Answer: In a very small bird cage
• If two very different Monkeybrains are very much alike, to what natural objects might they be likened? Answer: Goat droppings and cow pies.
• Why is talking to a blank wall preferable to talking to Monkeybrain? Answer: There is a greater sense of potential.
• Why is Monkeybrain like a besotted sailor on New Year's Day? Answer: They have the same look of concentration.
• Why are Monkeybrain's thought processes like a vacuum containing a single atom that is traveling at a rate of 0.000000000000000001 mm per year? Answer: The sheer speed of it all.
• If Monkeybrain were to meet Einstein, what would they have in common? Answer: A sense of wonder at the unfathomability of the human mind.
• How can you tell when the blood rushes to Monkeybrain's head? Answer: There's a faint sloshing sound.
• When Monkeybrain sees the light, what does he do? Answer: Draws the curtains.
• If Monkeybrain had a original thought, what would he do with it? Answer: Wonder what to do with it.
• How are the budgets for Monkeybrain's projects different from other people's? Answer: The figures always work out, no matter which way he looks at them.
• How low do you have to sink in order to communicate with Monkeybrain? Answer: Low enough to take up shoe shining.
• Which is better, a Monkeybrain with a big mouth or a small mouth? Answer: Donkeys that don't bray are preferable to asses that do.
• If you put 100 hemming-and-hawing Monkeybrains in a small room, what would you have? Answer: Mayhem (or, meyhaw).
• How do you get a blathering Monkeybrain to shut up? Answer: The same way you get a blithering Monkeybrain to shut up.
• If a subordinate of Monkeybrain begins to take after him, what could be the cause? Answer: He wants to share with others the pain his has gone through.
• To what animal would you liken a Monkeybrain who has an the semblance of an idea? Answer: A dog with a tick in its ear.
• If you have to explain an idea to a Monkeybrain, what should you do first? Answer: Prepare for disappointment.
• What is more fearsome than a solitary Monkeybrain? Answer: A singular Monkeybrain.
• If you have six Monkeybrains in a conference room, how many brains do you have? Answer: Are fractions acceptable?
• If, in regard to a certain matter, Monkeybrain says “yes,” how many days will it be before he says “no.” Answer: Your guess is as good as mine.
• When Monkeybrains talk among themselves, what language do they speak? Answer: Backscratchinglingualitis.
• Which is worse in a Monkeybrain, to do something wrong or to do nothing at all? Answer: It makes no difference since they will both anyway.
• How is a Monkeybrain who speaks out of one side of his mouth one day and another side the next day different from the ordinary person who does the same? Answer: The ordinary man only has two sides to his mouth.
• What connection is there between Monkeybrain and responsibility? Answer: None. Responsibility always belongs to someone else.
• Is Monkeybrain capable of bald-faced lying? Answer: Yes, and even without shaving.
• Does Monkeybrain make a good study in human nature? Answer: No, but in the lack thereof, yes.
• Where does Monkeybrain deal most closely with facts? Answer: At the facsimile machine.
• Does Monkeybrain tend to steal ideas from others? Answer: No, but he does take them under “consideration.”
• Does Monkeybrain tend to give credit where credit is due? Answer: No, but he does tend to take credit where credit is not due.
• Why does Monkeybrain talk about himself more than anything else? Answer: Because that's the only thing he knows.
• If something went wrong in the office and Monkeybrain seemed to show a sense of responsibility for it, what would be the cause? Answer: The fear that he would actually have to take responsibility.
• Would Monkeybrain steal from his mother if he thought he wouldn't be caught? Answer: It would depend on how much money she had.
• Does Monkeybrain occasionally take out his people for a friendly drink? Answer: Yes, of course, but only if they pay for it.
• What is the chief characteristic of Monkeybrain's greatest successes? Answer: The fact that they were originated and brought to fruition by other people.
• Does Monkeybrain praise others with no thought of himself? Answer: Himself of thought no with others praise Monkeybrain does.
• Do Monkeybrain speak with a forked tongue? Answer: Yes, but only when he's without his Swiss army knife.
• Does Monkeybrain tend to work harder in the morning or in the evening? Answer: Does the sun rise in the west or set in the east?
• To what animal would you liken a Monkeybrain who continually spews forth trivia to the distraction of all nearby? Answer: Beep, beep.
• Since Monkeybrain can DO nothing, what does he focus his energy on? Answer: UNdoing.
• How are the world's Monkeybrains like a war? Answer: They have disrupted more lives than you can shake a stick at.
• Monkeybrain has the same relationship with fairness and honesty that a dog has with what object? Answer: The neighborhood fire hydrant.
• How is it possible to be so mean about Monkeybrain when he is, after all, a human being like all the rest of us? Answer: There are limits to everything.

General Thoughts on Monkeybrains

• If Monkeybrain even once gave the needs of his staff priority over his own, he would by no means be establishing a precedent.
• Monkeybrain has a profound place in his mind, fondly known as the Falls, where he deposits all original staff proposals--once they go down, they never come up again.
• If Monkeybrain knew his left foot from his right, the left side of his brain might know what the right was doing.
• Monkeybrain's version of apartheid: don't let the experienced and the inexperienced mix.
• Monkeybrain becomes sickeningly friendly when he thinks his position is endangered, and abominably arrogant when he feels safe.
• Once in a millennium Monkeybrain says something truly startling--an almost intelligible remark.
• Like a fractious child, Monkeybrain has the unconscious power to teach patience.
• Monkeybrain's order of retreat in the face of disaster is invariable: me first, me first, me first.
• The only thing Monkeybrain knows about responsibility is that it is something to be avoided.
• If Monkeybrain knew what his staff was doing (which he doesn't), he could accurately evaluate their performance (which he can't).
• There are three ways of dealing with Monkeybrain, but the fourth is the only one that works.
• Every man wants to be accepted in his essential self. Thus Monkeybrain delights in panderers because they not only know him but love him for what he is.
• Monkeybrain takes a genuine liking to boot lickers, being a old leather-lapper himself.
• What is Monkeybrain's greatest weakness? His stupidity.
• What is Monkeybrain's greatest strength? His stupidity.
• Stripped of his stupidity, what object could Monkeybrain be likened to? The hole in a doughnut after the doughnut has been eaten.
• Monkeybrain hates to think about thinking, is left thoughtless by thought, and only displays originality in his sheer unoriginality.
• It is in scheming that Monkeybrain overcomes his singular sloth. When he machinates, he does it with maniacal meanness.
• The word “responsibility” has only one meaning for Monkeybrain. “If I get caught at this, I'm going to be in deep shit.”
• When Monkeybrain hears the word “responsibility,” four words immediately pop into his mind. “It was your fault.”
• The Planet of the Monkeybrains--a place one finds oneself in during the worst of nightmares.
• Asking Monkeybrain his informed opinion is like asking a worm its thoughts on the hundred-meter dash.
• If Monkeybrain were boring in meetings, embarrassing in company, and ludicrous in leadership, he wouldn't be half-bad.
• The only people that Monkeybrain has any real feeling for are those who are as hopeless as he is but willing to suck up to the boss to get along.
• A scowl or a smile, there're one and the same to Monkeybrain--ways of getting his way.
• If Monkeybrain approaches you with a kind word, grab your wallet and protect your privates.
• One of the sadder rites of maturity is the realization that there is more than one kind of Monkeybrain in the world.
• Monkeybrain can drive one to distraction, drink, and despair, and finally to dire thoughts of damage dealt to the human diaphragm.
• Some thoughts are absolutely foreign to the healthy mind. To wit: Monkeybrain is not all that bad; things could be worse.
• Give Monkeybrain a happy, healthy, new employee, someone who's naive and can't say no. In no time at all he will produce a sick, bedraggled, neurotic wreck ready for the hospital.
• People, as people, mean nothing to Monkeybrain. Results, as results, meaning nothing. His main concern is ... You guessed it.
• If Monkeybrain had as many functioning cells in his brain as he has fingers on his hands, he would have nine more cells than previously thought.
• If you have a workable idea, Monkeybrain will gladly see that it never gets into the works.
• There are two ways to please Monkeybrain: say he has just been promoted; say another manager has just been demoted.
• If Monkeybrain could only rise to mediocrity, business would skyrocket.
• Monkeybrain, not being endowed with foresight, has been given a double dose of hindsight.
• Monkeybrain was brought into the world to see that the rest of us take life seriously.
• The only profit that Monkeybrain is interested in is self-profit.
• Some Monkeybrains are mean-minded through acclimation; others have an inborn tendency that flourishes through use; still others relish every opportunity to display the only talent they have.
• To Monkeybrain, the difference between title and work is the difference between gold and fool's-gold.
• Most men manage their own lives, for better or worse. Monkeybrain manages to manage the lives of others, for worse.
• There's a special hell for Monkeybrains as well as a special heaven--the latter closely resembling the former.
• If facts and figures couldn't be twisted in so many ways, the life of Monkeybrain would be incalculably difficult.
• The ideal situation for a Monkeybrain is to be the owner's son; second best is to be a relative of any sort. In either case, the only qualification is a birth certificate.
• When is one coworker worth a myriad Monkeybrains? When one is seeking advice about work.
• Does Monkeybrain mark a step in human progress? Not if he can help it.
• If Monkeybrain stopped counting his chickens before they were hatched, what would he have to count? About as many eggs as a rooster can lay in a week.
• What does a Monkeybrain look like who has two faces? A very handsome Monkeybrain, indeed.
• What is the difference between a Monkeybrain in accounting, in sales, and in administration? Only in the forms they file.
• If a Monkeybrain killed his wife, daughter, and son in cold blood, what would he say? My secretary made a mistake.
• Do Monkeybrains work to achieve profit? Yes
• Does Monkeybrain have a soul? One on each shoe.
• If Monkeybrain should say, “I have seen the light,” what should you do? Find the switch.
• If Monkeybrain should see the error of his ways, what would he do? Give you a poorer performance evaluation.
• How would you describe the ideal Monkeybrain? Semi-, rather than fully, comatose.
• If Monkeybrain had to decide between life and death, which would he choose? It depends on which of his staff he was thinking about.
• In the event that Monkeybrain were honest, hard-working, and sincere, how would you address him? As you would address any other wild hypothesis.
• If Monkeybrain were given the choice between being honest and unsuccessful or being dishonest and successful, which would he choose? Ah ...
• What is Monkeybrain's worst temptation? To reveal how much he admires himself.
• What is Monkeybrain's least temptation? To be honest with himself.
• If Monkeybrain could hire someone useful to the company or someone subject to his beck and call, which would he take? Beck n call, beck 'n' call.
• Is Monkeybrain interested in money? Only if it means a night on the town at company expense.
• Do Monkeybrain have an imagination? He imagines he does.
• If suffering is the origin of consciousness, what is Monkeybrain the origin of? Immense irritation.
• Meeting a client with Monkeybrain is like juggling three hand-grenades with a patch over one eye and sunglasses over the other, one arm in a cast and the other disabled after falling from a thirty-story building. Good luck.
• For Monkeybrain, what is the smallest perceived insult the grounds for? The pettiest grudge.
• If Monkeybrain only occasionally got things ass-backwards, what would happen? The strongest men would weep in gratitude and the weakest women pound their chests in delight.
• Once the shadow of a thought enters Monkeybrain's mind, it haunts it for weeks, like a poltergeist.
• In Monkeybrain's eyes what is the difference between a troublemaker and a complainer? The difference between teeth and mouth.
• What thought runs through the minds of all Monkeybrains when they learn that the office troublemaker has just been promoted? “Now we've got him.”
• What is the easiest way to get along with a roomful of Monkeybrains? Join in the antics.
• If Monkeybrain has a predilection for male subordinates, what do they do? They predilect.
• If Monkeybrain sees fit to lay a hand on your handsome hams at the New Year's bash, what do you do, considering your future in the company? You pretend you're a hamster in heat or a very modest maiden.
• When the office troublemaker, newly promoted, attends his first managerial meeting, what does Monkeybrain have the power to make him do? Think quietly about his future.
• What do Monkeybrains most fear in a woman? An opinion.
• What characteristics does Monkeybrain most appreciate in a woman? Sweetness and light, with a little fluff thrown in for ballast.
• If a woman employee is upset, what does Monkeybrain think she's in need of? Psychiatric help.
• Does Monkeybrain regard temporary staff as part of the human race? Only if sexually attractive.
• What will cause Monkeybrain to pay attention to his staff? Fear of finding himself alone.
• What is Monkeybrain's favorite sport? Playing tic-tac-toe, with the tac missing.
• What does a Monkeybrain's future depend on? Playing politics with other Monkeybrains.
• What does an original idea look like to Monkeybrain? A pomegranate with five legs, four mouths, and three strands of hair sprouting from the top.
• What is the first thought that comes into Monkeybrain's mind when confronted with an original idea? “Here comes trouble!”
• When Monkeybrain says, “Give me a break,” what is usually the occasion? Someone trying to make him unlimber his powers of thought.
• If Monkeybrain could think without busting a gut, what would be the result? Quadruple hernia.
• What do you call a Monkeybrain who plays up to his staff but has no backbone? A honeless bam.
• If Monkeybrain were abducted by a pack of monkeys, would he experience any trouble? No, because he has already mastered all their gestures of submission and aggression.
• What is Monkeybrain's definition of a long meeting? One in which he has failed to score a few infinitely trivial “points.”
• If rising to a challenge brings out the best in men, what does rising to Monkeybrain bring out? The worst.
• Why does Monkeybrain enjoy meetings? They give him a sense of importance without having to do anything.
• A wise man never matches wits with Monkeybrain. There is nothing to match.
• If Monkeybrain had the ability to learn from his mistakes, he'd have a backlog from here to Timbuktu.
• Monkeybrain needs something simple but productive to pass time at meetings: nose picking, fingernail biting, ear cleaning, with an occasional orchestrated fart to punctuate the proceedings.
• The only qualifications for being a Monkeybrain are a sterile brain and hollow heart.
• At all costs, steer clear of smiling Monkeybrains.
• Monkeybrains are best seen from a distance--with their mouths shut.
• Monkeybrain understands only one thing: a fist in the face.
• If Monkeybrain knew how to present a reasonable argument, Oscar Wilde would have been wild about Madonna.

Monkeybrain's Innermost thoughts

• I know I'm stupid, I know I'm not worth the fingernail of the girl who brings my coffee. But still I'll humiliate anyone standing in my way.
• I hate everyone but my wife (and I'm afraid to hate her).
• Just give me one good thing to live for. I'll happily give up all the rest.
• Why do I care only for myself? Because no one else does the job so well.
• Why are my ideas superior to anyone else's? Because there're mine, stupid.

Monkeybrain Laws of Management

1. My policy is no policy ... always has been, alway will.
2. There are no new ideas. I had them all twenty years ago.
3. Beware of those with ability. Befriend those with inability. All else ignore.
4. When in doubt do nothing. When not in doubt, do something dumb.
5. All meetings can be conducted using the following words: ah, uh, and zzz.
6. Ignorance is bliss. Make the most of it.
7. Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong--repeatedly.
8. If there is a right way and a wrong way of doing something, choose the easier course.
9. Up is down, and down is up. Right is left, and left is right. Good is bad, and bad is good. (You get the general idea.)
10. If you have a new idea, bring it to me. I'll make it a memorable occasion.