SATICHE - 0839

Bar Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" "I do," the Lone Ranger replied. "Why?" The cowboy drawled, "You better take care of him. He's almost dead from the heat." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting. The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better." Tonto replied, "Sure, Kemosabe," and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" "I do," the Lone Ranger said, "what's wrong with him this time?" "Nothin'," the cowboy said, "but you left your Injun runnin."
After a rather wet night the bartender asks Bruce, who's lying on the floor: "Would you like a chair there, mate?" "No, I'm okay standing, thanks."
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I`ve got one `ere."
Mirror mirror There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first. She says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up. The brunette goes up. She says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up. Last is the blonde She says "I think........" Poof!!
A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?". The barman asks "what does he look like?".
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "That will be Ł7.50 please" says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don't very many hippos in here" mutters the bartender. The hippo replies, "At these prices it's no wonder!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He looks around, admiring the room and he soon notices that there are big lumps of meat hanging on the ceiling. He then says to the bartender, 'Why have you got all this meat hanging around?'. The barman says, 'Its a little bet that we are running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth then you can have all your drinks bought for you. If you fail then you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Are you going to have a try at it'?. The man shakes his head and says to the bartender, 'No, the stakes are too high'
A man walks into The King's Arms. "A pint of Carlsberg please." he asks. "You want to go to a Pub mate!" replies The King.
A man is taking his Rottweiller out for a walk. It is a hot day and after a while he decides to go into a bar for a drink. The bartender tells him dogs are not allowed and he must tie it up outside. After a few drinks a woman walks into the bar and asks if someone has a large dog out front. He proudly states "yes, it is my Rottweiller, why do you ask"? She blurts out "It's dead". Stunned the man asks "did you hit it with your car"? She replies "no, my dog killed it". Knowing how powerful a dog the rottweiller is he poses the question to her, "Pit-bull"? "No, I have a Chihuahua" came the answer. Puzzled he asked, "how did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiller"? She replies, "well I'm no vet, but I'd think she got stuck in his throat."
This blonde with a pig walks into a bar. The bartender looks them up and down and says, "Where did you get that dumb animal?" The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle."
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"
A magician walks down a back alley and turns into a bar.
A chicken walks into a bar , looks around and says to the barman "sorry, wrong joke"
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Giraffe, Lion, Camel, Lawyer, Policeman, Judge, Priest, Rabbi, Minister, all walk into a bar. "What's this?" says the barman "Some kind of a joke?"
A bloke walks into a pub and says "Can I have a pie and chips please?" The barman fetches the food, the guy sits down, eats the chips, puts the pie on his head and walks out. The barman is confused. The next day the same man returns to the pub and orders another pie and chips. The barman serves him his meal, he eats the chips, puts the pie on his head, and walks out. The barman only just resists the temptation to ask him what he's doing. The following day, the same man returns to the pub and orders another pie and chips. The barman says "Sorry, we're out of pies today, but you can have a pastie and chips if you want...." The man accepts the pastie and chips, sits down and eats the chips, and then puts the pastie in his head. He's just about to walk out, when the barman collars him and asks "Oi, mate, why have you got that pastie on your head?" The man replies "Well you haven't got any pies....."
Anyway, this Irish man went into a bar, where he found one other customer leaning against the bar. "Can Oi buy you a drink sir"? " That's aufy nice of you" replied the other. "BeJaezus", said the first, "where are you from". "From Dublin" replied the second. "That's amazin', Oim from Dublin also, have another drink." "Which school did you go to in Dublin" sez the first. "St Mary's on Portadown Road", sez the second. "That's amazin" sez the first, "Oi also went to St Mary's on Portadown Road, have another drink." "What year did you leave" sez the first. "June 1966", sez the second. "That's really amazin" sez the first, "Oi also left in June 1966, have another drink". Just then another customer walked in and asked the barman what was going on. "Oh nott'n" sez the barman, "only the O'Mally twins getting drunk again!"
A young blonde couple come into a bar and order a round for the fairly packed house. After serving the multitude the bartender asked, "What's the occasion?" The husband replied, "Well, my wife and I just finished a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle in just three months!" The bartender asked as delicately as possible, "Three months, huh? Don't you think that a little long for a 500 piece puzzle?" "Of course not," piped in the wife. "It said on the box 2-4 YEARS!!!"
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and some folks can't"
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?" "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not Jesus Christ." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not Jesus Christ." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you here again?"
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
A man sitting at the bar announces, "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I'll give you a hundred dollars." The bartender pours the 20 pints and lines them up at the bar. The man sitting next to him gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his challenge. The man who left, returns to the bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks where he went. "Well, I had to go to the bar next door and make sure I could do it first"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say, "Wow! You look GREAT tonight!" The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating peanuts and he hears something again! "That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!" He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?" And the man replies, "Good things, why?" And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Why not?" "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him Ł300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for Ł300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, “What'll you have?" The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out. The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, said no. The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
A dyslexic walks into a bra
A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling.
A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere."
A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: "Hey, we have a whisky here named after you!" The horse then says: "What? 'Eric?'"
A guy walks into a bar. The guy behind him ducks.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU GREEDY FLY!!!!"
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a mop".
A dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A woodworm walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A cowboy tied his horse to a hitching post and went into a bar for a drink. When he returned, his horse's nose had been painted green. He stormed back into the bar asking who had done this to his horse. "I did", a huge mean-looking cowboy said. "Well," gulped the first, "I came to tell you that the first coat is dry."
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked, thinking it must be a terminal disease. "Fifty pence."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'